Five Friends, A Blonde and the Wind Princess
by BradhadairWyver
Summary: The sequel to the most pointless adventure of all time. It's been two years, so our 'heroes' have drifted apart and found their calling in life. Until someone starts threatening to destroy the entire plot of the universe!
1. Character Guide

Five Friends, a Blonde and the Mystic Wind Princess

And now, the Big! Huge! Fat! Character List! This is for anyone who hasn't read the first story and can't be bothered, or has forgotten who all the characters are. I didn't put one in initially, which was probably a dumb idea as there are (counts) 48 main and supporting characters with profiles spanning 6 pages in Word. Bloody hell, I can be pretty prolific when I want to be. This'll probably get even bigger as I keep on writing. Eeesh.

---

Cerrin Wyver- The brightest (and meanest) of them is Cerrin Wyver, a former student of the University of Bitchcraft and Bitchery, who was top of the honour roll as the biggest bitch at the school. Arrogant, ruthless and bitchy, she's not the most well liked person on the planet, but don't tell her that or she may burn your face off. With her flame red hair, angular face and icy blue eyes she stands out a mile among the throngs of losers in Lumbridge. She has a rather weird obsession with magic and runes, and follows Guthix, even though she acts like a power hungry bitch. Although she acts like she doesn't care about anyone but herself, she has a real soft spot for Trip.

---

Ansela Jonla: A sneaky thief with absolutely no morals, she can and will steal anything. She and her brother were abandoned when she was only nine and she took up thieving to support them then, but now she mostly does it for fun. Stole a sacred ninja scroll which gave her ninja powers, and now she uses them for her own personal gain. She will mug anything that comes within two feet, but she is a really nice person. Really. Oh, and she's a Zamorakian. Likes to drink, swear and fight.

---

Rozy Wyver: Cerrin's sister, Rozy Wyver, has the stupid genes in the family and is the blonde. Just one look at this blonde haired, blue eyed, elfin faced ADHD cherub is all the proof you need that blondes are stupid. She dresses primarily in pink and loves to skip around singing about bunnies. Trained with the legendary ranger Angus McArrowhead to learn to shoot properly, and now she divides her time between the Ranger's Guild and visiting Lumbridge to see her baby brother.

---

Alex Ilidan: The biggest pervert on the face of the planet. Thinks he's Saradomin's gift to women. His hobby is skirt chasing. His main ambition (other than having a harem of hundred beautiful women) is to become a brave White Knight, however his distinct lack of a spine holds him back. Recently passed the White Knight's training program though, but refused to join the main force so he could pursue his love of women, or more specifically Rozy.

---

Timmus Jonla: Ansela's brother, a meat obsessed barbarian and the dumbest guy you could ever meet. His diet consists almost wholly of meat and meat related products and is brain I'm afraid is non-existent. Conan the Barbarian comparisons are apt. Inherited the Jonla family fortune of 15 million gold and has ended up married to Amelia despite not knowing what marriage is. Is fiercely protective of his sister.

---

Trip Tiptree: The unfortunately named Trip is incredibly clumsy due to a curse from an evil wizard and can fall over his own shadow. This led to him being picked on a lot at school until his mom beat up the bullies. In spite of that he is probably the sanest individual in the story. Went to school to learn healing magic, because he wanted to be a doctor but was far too clumsy to be one. Really likes Cerrin. Wants to ask her to marry him but is far too nervous to attempt it.

---

Other People's characters (In order of appearance)

Zanithir as Ruarai: A treasure hunter who pursued the gang into the jungle. Has not been seen since the ninja incident but is rumoured to be raiding ancient tombs for a living.

Ozzyiwannabeagoat as Ozzy: A hack wrestler who teams up with the gang to try and stop an evil wizard taking over Runescape. Now works in a hot dog stand in Ardounge. Has a short attention sp- ooh, a butterfly!

SSJ4 Aragorn as Terrence Wolfblade: A mercenary who puts his life (and wages) on the line to team up with the gang. Is the last known survivor of his home village and carries his father's sword as a memento. Has a dog called Brandy.

CerridwynBradhadairWyver as The Plot Bunny: The written incarnation of the authoress herself, who seals up plotholes. Spends half her time fixing plotholes and the other half fixing things her dumb twin brother wrecks. Can appear as anything she wants but prefers to be a red haired twenty-something woman dressed in a white crop top and hot pants. She has white rabbit ears and a fluffy tail. Resides in a comfortable house at the edge of the cosmos.

---

Bunny's Plotholing Team

Plot Demon: Plot Bunny's twin brother. He has the same powers as Bunny but is unfortunately as thick as two short planks. This leads to much chaos. Likes to play videogames 24/7. Has a phobia of microwaveable dinners.

Mishi: Sexy mechanic from Venus, she exudes ten thousand times more pheromones than a human, and most men are reduced to simpering twits at the sight of her. Can fix pretty much anything, has a black belt in karate and enjoys

Harry: Self-proclaimed to be the gayest being in the universe. He is a Sylph (wind spirit) from the realm of Twa-an'tarra and he looks very feminine. He is a computer expert and can hack into any computer mainframe in the universe.

Jumbo: His real name is Ah'du'kakalla'mabanga'shmah (but everyone calls him Jumbo) and he is from Jupiter. He looks like the Incredible Hulk but red, and just as strong. Loves to cook, and so Bunny employed him as a bodyguard and a head chef. Makes a divine crème bruleé.

Katy: Bunny's personal assistant, she is a fairy from Zanaris. Highly organised and efficient, and can be known to make things explode if people don't listen to her. Has a weakness for sugary candy and chocolate.

---

Notable Others

Meryl Peemstein: A 280-pound German pro-wrestler with a grudge against Cerrin and a weird crush on Alex. Is determined to marry Alex and consummate their erotic passion (I feel ill) even if it kills her (or him). She lives at the University of Bitchcraft and Bitchery.

Wotsisname: A mysterious wizard who's real name is so dumb and unpronounceable that no one can remember it, except Rozy. Was last seen in Karamja, partying with several young girls and drinking cocktails.

Drak: A particularly stupid treasure hunter. He and Timmus bonded over their one digit IQ's and a love of hitting things with blunt objects. Was last seen on a beach in Etceteria, going stark raving mad.

Gem: A whip-wielding assassin with a fetish for leather and bondage. Is actually a Terminatrix who came from a plothole in the third movie. Has a lot of issues with phobias, death and fish. Is currently in Antarctica after Bunny shattered her and dumped her there.

Salazar Slimebucket: The less said, the better. Tried to take over the world twice. Nearly succeeded once, but has so far been thwarted by the gang. Has a comb over and a crappy moustache/goatee combo that makes him look like a second rate pantomime villain. Is currently locked up in a maximum security magic-proof jail for numerous crimes against humanity, the environment and Princess Amelia's hair.

Sniffly: An evil henchman with blocked sinuses and an attitude problem. Gets treated badly by Slimey but puts up with it because no one else will hire him. Is currently employed by Second Rate Henchman Ltd as a spare henchman.

Mordred: An evil knight with some 'growing' issues. Tried to force Rozy (And Cerrin) to marry him to fulfil a really dumb ancient prophecy but was thwarted by the gang. Is currently living in his mom's basement.

Stephanie Ilidan: Alex's sister and the only sane Ilidan. Broke Alex's poor, fragile (not) heart by eloping with Alex's former girlfriend Lynne three years ago. Works at the Royal Palace in Ardounge as one of Princess Amelia's ladies in waiting.

Shade: Ultra cool half demon assassin/kidnapper/hero/plot device/traitor/hottie who wears too much leather. Was arrested for working for Slimebucket but his mom bailed him out and dragged him back home by his pointed ear. His dad is probably the stupidest demon to exist. Is currently looking for work at the Assassin's guild.

Jane Fletcher: A mercenary who was hired by Slimebucket but changed sides after being offered a helluva lotta cash. She has some connection to Terrence (probably romantic, but I shan't say that for fear of -shhhhuck- OW!!!). Loves takeaway food, specifically egg rolls. The location of her home is currently unknown.

Violet Fletcher: Jane's mom. After hearing that Bob/Lord Darkvel kidnapped Jane, Violet has been searching for her. A skilled ranger who taught Jane everything she knows.

Her Royal Highness the Beautiful, Kind and Like Sooo Totally Cool Princess Amelia: Princess of Kandarin. Spoiled, perky and like totally talks like a retarded American teenager. Looks exactly like Cerrin, except Cerrin has nicer eyes and is slightly taller (As Trip said). Has a crush on Timmus because he's a 'real man' (muscled, sweaty, grunts a lot and kills things with his bare hands. Love really IS blind). Lives at the Royal Palace (duh).

Wally Watkins: Former guard, currently earns money as a travelling bard. Travelled with Ansela for nearly two years, not completely of his own free will, was captured by ninjas, rescued and then had to help defeat the evil demon Delrith. He is quite weak physically, and is often joking called Wimpkins by people he knows, but he has a knack for survival, accidental though it may be.

Robert Watkins: Head guard in Ardougne. Getting on a bit but still a skilled officer. Hates the new ways of guarding, with bureaucracy and red tape. Despite this he admires Hench for his tenacity and willingness to fight to get what he wants. Tries to push his kids into the guards, but only two of them went in and stayed in.

Mrs and Mrs Wyver: Cerrin and Rozy's parents. Mrs Wyver is a newly awakened post-feminist housewife who takes her anger out on her husband, who is a lazy unemployed layabout. Mrs Wyver and Cerrin hate each other very much. Mr Wyver adores both his daughters and used to spoil them a lot when they were kids, which pissed Mrs Wyver off. Live in a comfortable semi-detached house in one of the nicer areas of Lumbridge.

Ryan Wyver: Rozy and Cerrin's 17-month old brother. Is too young to really understand anything that's going on in the story, which is a good thing as it would probably traumatise him. Mr Wyver puts him to bed with a football every night so he'll grow up to be a championship player, but young Ryan seems to take a greater interest in his toy xylophone.

Mr and Mrs Tiptree: Trip's parents. Both of them love him a lot and are very protective of him, Mrs Tiptree especially so. Mrs Tiptree is a former bounty hunter turned housewife, Mr Tiptree is a chartered accountant for the Varrock Mining office. They live next door to the Wyvers. Mr Tiptree spends most of his time working and so Trip hardly sees him.

Ms Ilidan: Alex's crack whore mother. Lives in a trailer, smokes anything and everything and swears a lot. Can't remember who Alex and Stephanie's dad is even though they're three years apart and have the same dad. Current residence is Lumbridge Trailer Park.

Patrick Hench: Former DA of Varrock and new chief of the Ardougne guard, most everyone hates him including his long suffering secretary, all the criminals in the world and Ansela, who used want him dead, preferably in a nasty, bloody Reservoir Dogs-esqe torture killing. Seems like a scumbag but may be nicer than he lets on. Lives alone in a small apartment in Ardougne.

Dalton Firespear: A recent addition. He is an assassin who apparently gets hit by cows often, but so far in this story he hasn't killed anyone. He has been hit by a cow, though. The location of his home is currently unknown.

Mary Crumple: Long suffering secretary of Hench and an old family friend of the Jonlas who turned traitor to get her hands on their fortune. Was more two-faced, sneaky and determined than Hench or anyone else gave her credit for. was killed by Sally, the owner of the speakeasy Mary ratted on.

Lynne Scrogget: Alex's ex girlfriend. Was unsure of her sexuality when she started dating Alex but definitely decided she was a lesbian after she ran away with his sister. Shares Alex's profound love of the popular porn magazine 'Hot Runescape Babes'. Lives in Ardounge with Stephanie.

Mr and Mrs Jonla: Ansela and Timmus' parents. Former con artists. Have been missing for seven years. Presumed dead or in a mental asylum.

Junko and Tokutaro Katsutoshi: Two twin ninjas who were shamed by Ansela and now are hunting her down to regain the scroll and their honour. Both are as stubborn and proud as each other. Although they stick together they don't really know how to works as a team, and half the time end up arguing with each other.

Kazemi Hoshiko: The Mystic Wind Princess. The granddaughter of Masato and daughter of Miyuki. She's ten years old, cute and sweet and loves to be told fairy tales. Is the only one powerful enough to defeat the great evil, but can't gain her full powers without the scroll Ansela stole. Oh dear.

Masato and Miyuki Hoshiko: Masato is the stoic leader of the ninja village and Miyuki is his daughter and personal assistant. Masato took Miyuki back into the house after her husband died in a freak beaver accident.

Suzume Akako: Known as the Red Sparrow, proud leader of the ninja squadron and Kazemi's personal bodyguard.

Lord Darkvel/Bob: A former plothole maintenance worker who grew bored of being subservient to people like Bunny, so he stole a lot of plot bending equipment and escaped into this story. Plans to rule the Runescape universe by infecting the characters with Plot Bugs (which Bunny tends to blame on Demon even though it's not his fault). Is fairly unimaginative and relies on other sources for his ideas.


	2. Crouching Ninja

Five Friends, a Blonde and the Mystic Wind Princess

SerraBradhadair: Welcome to the sequel! Yep. If you're expecting much action revolving around the mystic wind princess, then, er, you're a little early. The first few chapters are there to set up what happened in the past two years. Ok, time to get rolling! But first, we have the Q and A round! Today's guest is none other than the most beautiful and evil bitch on the face of Runescape, she's fiery, feisty and never uses contractions, Miss Cerrin Wyver! I usually like to reproduce emails faithfully, but she insisted on correcting all their spelling and grammar mistakes.

Cerrin: Can we just get this over with already?

SerraBradhadair: Question 1: _Are Terrence and Jane together or something?_

Cerrin: I think so. There seems to be something there. But they are SSJ4's characters so he is the only one who can say for sure. Go ask him.

SerraBradhadair: Question 2: _Why is Alex afraid of squirrels?_

Cerrin: Because he is stupid. He is more afraid of squirrels than he is of me, which is not right.

SerraBradhadair: Actually, he's afraid of squirrels because Timmus dropped one on Alex's head when they were kids. Alex thought the squirrel had tried to attack him and he's been afraid since. Question 3: _Is Meryl Peemstein Dutch or German, because I read SSJ4's fic and now I am confused._

Cerrin: She is German.

SerraBradhadair: Final Question: _Why did Dalton get hit by a flying cow?_

Cerrin: Dalton is a character from another fanfiction. The author requested that SerraBradhadair write him in. If you had read it, you would know that Dalton has an affinity for attracting bovine missiles.

SerraBradhadair: Well, that's all folks. Send in any questions, as the next guest will be (checks list) Alex. Oh, great...

Alex: Hey ladies, feel free to send me your numbers and addresses URK!

Cerrin: Shut the fuck up. I have things to do, I have to go now. (Leaves)

SerraBradhadair: Could you two stop it? We haven't even started yet and you're fighting. Anyway, the next six chapters tell you the entire back story you need to know. Then the real adventure begins. We'll decide the order using the (dramatic music) Wheel of Torture! Bunny, the wheel please.

(Bunny appears wearing a gold spangled leotard. She waves her hands and Plot Demon rolls out a large wheel with different coloured sections on it. Each section has one of the characters' names on it.)

Alex: How is that a wheel of torture?

SerraBradhadair: You'll see. Jumbo, strap the green haired guy onto the wheel!

(A large, red, hulk like guy walks in, wearing a fancy spangled suit. He looks about then foot tall and eight feet wide. He grabs Alex and straps him to the Wheel of Torture.)

Alex: Hey! What gives? Get me off this thing! I want my mom! On second thoughts, my mom's a bitch. I WANT MY TEDDY BEAR!

SerraBradhadair: Mishi, bring me the butcher knives!

(A pink skinned blonde woman in a gold leotard prances on with a tray of knives. Bunny puts a blindfold on.)

Alex: Awah!

SerraBradhadair: Jumbo, spin the wheel!

(Jumbo nods and gives the wheel a heave. It spins round, and round and round, with Alex strapped to it, screaming. Bunny grabs one of the knives and hurls it at the wheel. It lands just to the side of Alex's head. He passes out.)

SerraBradhadair: _Round and round and round it goes, where it stops, no one knows_... its stopping! And it has landed on... ANSELA!

Ansela: Woo! Go me!

SerraBradhadair: Ok, this next chapter is Ansela's story. If you want to throw a knife at the Wheel of Torture, tell me what character you'd like strapped to it, either by way of a review or PM. We can't use Alex twice, it isn't fair. And after the six filler chapters, we'll see more of those freaks. (Points to Mishi and Jumbo) They're actually some of Bunny's plothole fixing workers, but we hired them to be temporary show assistants. Give them a big hand, folks! (Applause.) Several old characters will be making appearances, including Meryl Peemstein!

Meryl: Alex! Let me get du off of dat wheel, meine klein sweetypie! (grabs Alex from the wheel and drags his unconscious, limp form away)

SerraBradhadair: Yucky...there's Ruarai and Drak!

Ruarai: Revenge will be mine!

Drak: Uh, what's my name again?

SerraBradhadair: There's also Gem who's back from Antarctica, and she has a lovely suntan!

Gem: It's frostburn, you bitch.

SerraBradhadair: Terrence and Jane will also be here.

SerraBradhadair: Where the fuck ARE Terrence and Jane? (Mishi hands SerraBradhadair a piece of paper) On a mission? Never mind then. And of course, Slimebucket and Shade will be reappearing!

Slimebucket: This time I **will** take over the world! Muahahaha!

Shade: You're a fucking moron.

Alex: AAAAAAAAGH! NOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (breathes) OOOOOOOOOOO! (comes running in with his shirt half torn off.) IT WAS MERYL! SHE JUST GRABBED ME!

SerraBradhadair: Stop yelling! What did she do?

Alex: (falls on the floor crying) I saw more than I ever wanted to see! I tried to gouge my eyes out but she tied my hands together! I was going to chew my arms off but then I found a penknife in my pocket and cut myself free! It was horrible! (grabs Shade's legs and sobs) IT WAS HORRIBLE! HORRIBLE!

Shade: Get off me. Right now.

SerraBradhadair: Alright, I'll protect Alex from Meryl Peemstein. (shudders) That's a fate even Alex doesn't deserve.

---

Chapter 1: Crouching Ninja, Hidden Thief

---

Ansela's Seven Rules of Thieving

1- If it looks valuable, steal it.

2- If you're not sure, steal it anyway for there will always be n00bs stupid enough to buy useless crap.

3-Mugging little kids and old ladies is not right. They never have much money anyway.

4- Stealing from churches is fine. If the gods wanted a font made of gold and diamonds, they could make one themselves.

5- Don't steal from your friends, or you may find that you no longer have any friends.

6- Don't try and steal anything you can't carry.

7- I am not above using my 'feminine wiles' to get my own way.

---

"C'mon, stop!" Wally wailed as the tenth cart rushed straight past him. He had been standing on the side of the road, trying to get picked up by a passing cart for about three hours. At this rate, he wouldn't get anywhere today. It had been a week since he left home, he had no idea where Ansela was taking him so he had decided to try and hitchhike on his own. He wanted to go back already. Ansela was lying on the side of the embankment, reading a magazine and giggling at his frenzied howls. "Why isn't this working? Am I pointing my thumb wrong or something?" He said, staring at his hand. Ansela sighed and decided she'd better help him out or they'd be on this stretch of road forever.

"Let me do it." She shoved the magazine in his hands. "Hide down there and let me work my magic, and don't come up before I tell ya." She said, hoisting up the waistband of her skirt and rolling it over. She unbuttoned her shirt and tied it in a knot below her chest, and waited for a cart to come trundling past. Wally decided to give up and. immerse himself in the magazine. He turned to an article named _'Gold- All that Glitters and How to Steal it'_.

It wasn't long before a cart came thundering down the path. Ansela leant over, struck a seductive pose and stuck her arm out with her thumb up. The cart ground to a halt and the driver whistled.

"Well hey there. You need a ride?" The driver grinned. He was old, wrinkled and had several teeth missing. _Eww_, Ansela thought to herself.

"Oh, yes, I'm sooo totally like, lost. And I'm so glad you like, found me!" She giggled, putting on her best 'dumb girl' act. She walked around the other side of the cart and sat in the passenger seat. "Uh, can my like, friend come along too?"

"She as pretty as you?"

"Oh, like yeah. Come on up!" Wally took this as his cue, shoved the magazine in his bag and clambered up. When the driver caught sight of him, he snorted.

"What kind of game or you playing at OOF!" Ansela swiftly kicked him out of the cart and grabbed the reins.

"Climb in, Wally!" He tossed their bags in the back of the cart and clambered in. Ansela whipped the reins. The horse neighed loudly and trotted off. She whipped the reins and it went faster, leaving the former driver in a trail of dust.

"Bitch!" The driver yelled, stomping on the ground. "Fucking evil bitch!" Ansela just laughed.

"Eat my dust, fugly!" She yelled, laughing. "Oh, well, he was obviously delusional if he thought I was actually into him." She did her stupid girl giggle, something she'd perfected from listening to Amelia and Rozy. "Like, ew, hee hee!"

"Oh, Saradomin, he was really mad. We aren't gonna get into trouble, are we?"

"How? 'Officer, I got my cart stolen by a little girl!' That'll go down really well at the guard station, I bet."

---

"I'm sorry sir, but we only deal with important, serious crimes here. Having your cart stolen by a woman is a case for the police." Hench said as he sat at his desk in his (newly rebuilt) office, reading through his mail. The man stormed out, grumbling about bureaucrats and red tape. Hench shook his head and opened the rest of his mail. "Serves him right for picking up hitchhikers. No, I don't need another loan, or credit card deal, or a holiday to Karamja... actually, I might keep that one." He shoved it in his desk drawer. "Huh? When the fuck did I spend 2000 gold coins on booze and room service?"

---

They'd taken the long trail north to Rellekka and abandoned the cart some miles away, and sold the horse to a passing traveller. Neither of them knew much about the place, but it was somewhere none of their friends and family would go, so it was perfect. Wally had said that there were no pubs in the city when they got there, but Ansela had simply winked at him and said you had to know where to look. Within half and hour she had struck up a rapport with the local criminal gangs and they had found plenty of pubs where the ale flowed and plenty of drunk guys liked to sing a long.

It had been one months. One whole, long, arduous and strange month since Ansela had dragged him out of his house kicking and screaming. It was a little undignified, especially the screaming. He thought it was a bit unfair of Ansela to tell him he screamed like a girl, even if it **was** true. Ever since then, they'd been travelling on the road, Ansela robbing people to get by, and him singing in pubs. He didn't like her that much, but it was nice to be able to sing without fear of the guys in the pub beating you up. In fact, he thought, as they boarded the ship to Miscellania, their journey together had been quite fun. Ansela was definitely a live wire; she was energetic, funny, could drink any sailor under the table and still be sober enough to win a game of darts. Though the journey was nice, there were definitely a lot of other things he could do without.

"Hey, look at this!" Ansela had dragged him up to their ship room right after he'd finished his set on deck. Sailors loved a sing song, though after the fifth request of "What Shall We Do With the Drunken Sailor?" he'd gotten a bit bored. Ansela was bouncing around, grinning like the Cheshire Cat on Prozac and she had all her thieving gear laid out neatly on her bed. It was definitely not a good sign. She sat on the floor and spread out a large scroll of paper.

"A map?"

"Yeah a map! A treasure map!" She grinned and spread it out on the floor. "I nicked it off some bloke in the bar who was bragging about his treasure map. Sit down and take a look." Wally kicked off his boots and sat down cross legged on the floor, looking down at the map.

"Uh, I don't know Ansela."

"Well, if we go there and there's nothing, no harm done. But if there is something, we run in, get it and leave all the other treasure hunters with nothing! Ha!" Ansela said, applying her unique brand of Ansela-logic to the situation. Wally sighed. Here they go again.

"So, it's in Miscellania?"

"Nope, it's this island to the south. No one goes there anymore because all those who ever went there..." She paused and moved the candle under her face and let the light illuminate her features. She put on a creepy voice. "They never retuuuurrrned..." she croaked.

"Stop that." He said, before placing his lute bad in its case and crawling into bed. "Why do you have to do this? Why?"

"Because... I'm Ansela Jonla!" She grinned. Wally decided not to add to that. It was the perfect answer.

---

And the next morning, as Wally and Ansela got ready to go ashore in Miscellania, two people in the cabin below were frantically ripping their room apart in frustration. The shorter one was slim, yet muscled and had dark, spiky hair. He was barking orders at his companion, a huge guy, wide as he was tall, muscles like He-Man and dressed solely in Red Dragonskin armour. Well, when your companion had the brains of a retarded amoeba, there was little choice other than to shout as loudly and as clearly as possible.

"Come on Drak! The map has to be here somewhere! We need it! Look, dammit!" Ruarai yelled as he looked under the mattress. He tossed it back onto the bedstead, and bent down to look under the bed. He ran over to the set of drawers and rummaged through them, tossing everything out. He looked through his and Drak's bags a second time, a third time, a fourth, tipped the contents of the bags out and emptied the waste basket to forage through it. "Why? Why did I let you look after it?"

"Uh?" Drak looked up at the ceiling. "You did?"

"Retarded twit!" Ruarai tossed his dagger at Drak, who ducked. It hit the window and become stuck in the shattered glass. Ruarai sighed and went to retrieve it. He pulled it out and, glass fell apart and the shards fell on the floor. He glanced out of the window at some people getting off the boat. Just a guy with a lute and girl with a large scroll. Wait. A girl WITH A LARGE SCROLL! He screamed mentally. "Drak! Move your ass! I found out who stole the map!"

"What map?"

"Aaaargh!"

---

"How'd you get a boat for us if the locals are so afraid of this island we're going to?" Wally asked. He and Ansela were rowing out to the island south of Miscellania. Actually, Ansela was rowing; Wally was sort of slapping the oars in the water, gasping for breath. They'd been rowing for ten minutes an already his arms were starting to ache. Ansela seemed to be as bright and energetic as she had been when they'd set off.

"Well, I paid 'em a lot. Besides, they said it was their gain 'cause we wouldn't be going back."

"If that's the case, WHY THE HECK ARE WE GOING THERE?" Wally panicked. There might be monsters, like dragons, zombies, ogres, evil bloodsucking tentacle fiends and oh god, such horrible, horrible thoughts.

"Calm down. I'm going to infiltrate the secret place, you just stay and watch the boat, ok?" She said. Wally sighed. Watch the boat? Well, as long as he didn't have to infiltrate any dangerous temples or fight bandits, he didn't care.

---

"They've landed. Drak, bring us ashore!" Ruarai said as he looked though his binoculars from their position, hidden behind some large, mossy rocks.

"Aye aye!" Drak said. "Full steam ahead!" He rowed as hard as he could while Ruarai sighed and smacked himself on the head with his binoculars.

---

When they landed on the beach, the sand quickly gave way to an immense forest. The beach was surrounded by cliffs that were almost totally covered in moss vertically with trees lined up along the top. The forest looked dense and forbidding, and there was no sound on the island except the crashing of the waves and the odd bird flapping through the trees and chirping.

"I guess it's really true that no one ever comes here. It's a jungle." Wally looked at it. "It's creepy."

"Mm-yep." Ansela picked up her bag, placed the scroll inside and did a last check to make sure all of her hidden weapons were in place. "You wait here with the boat. If you get scared, no worries, just call me on this." She handed him a communicator crystal. "Stole 'em from King Toole." She placed the other one in her bag. "See ya in a few hours, Wimpkins!"

"I said don't call me..." She had already disappeared into the forest. "...that. By Saradomin, dammit!" he yelled, kicking a pebble across the sand. He had no idea whether she'd heard him yelling. He bet she was laughing her head off, ha ha ha, hilarious. He stood around for a while, tracing patterns in the sand with his toe. "What am I gonna do for a few hours?" He muttered to himself, unaware that was being watched and snuck up on.

"Hey."

"AAAAGH!"

---

Ansela was far too into the forest o hear Wally's scream. She was following the directions the map said. They were mostly in riddles which was what she had spent a few hours this morning before breakfast working on. She felt she had them pretty much figured out. Keep going northwest, the map said, so she checked her compass.

"Halt!" A stern woman's voice resounded through the forest. Ansela stopped in her tracks and looked up in the direction of the voice. A woman was standing high up on a branch on one of the trees. She was dressed in an all black outfit. Her face was partially hidden with a cloth mask and she wore a headband tied around her forehead. Her hair was black and tied back in a ponytail that came down to her waist. She looked supremely pissed off. "You are trespassing on sacred land. I suggest you leave before you regret you decision."

"You want me to go? Make me." Ansela grinned, put the map bag in her bag and unsheathed her dagger. "Maybe you can help me take the rust off of this little thing." The woman jumped straight down from the tree and landed in a crouching position, unharmed. Ansela figured she must have trained intensely in the Agility Training areas. She drew her own knife and readied herself.

"You are a petulant one. I must warn you that I am trained in the ancient martial art of ninjitsu. You have no hopes of defeating me, so I suggest that you change your mind immediately."

"Not gonna happen. See, I'm trained in the ancient art of kickyoass, and I never lose unless I want to." Ansela grinned and sized up her opponent. The woman was taller than her, but she wasn't that tall. She didn't look too strong, but her whole form was hidden by her baggy clothing, so Ansela couldn't see her muscles. She seemed to have no other weapons except her knife, but Ansela was a master of concealed weapons. She knew to expect anything. She waited for the woman to strike first, and she was not disappointed. She charged at Ansela, aiming for her neck. Ansela deftly blocked it, and aimed a slash at the woman. She jumped back, somersaulted high into a tree and threw several star shaped throwing objects at Ansela. Ansela wasn't fast enough to block them with her dagger, so she dodged and threw one of her own knives at the woman. It missed by a hair's breadth as the woman jumped out of the tree and threw a barrage of throwing stars at Ansela, who dodged each one.

"I see. You aren't all bravado after all. You may actually be a challenge." She assumed an attacking stance, knife ready to strike. Ansela grinned.

"Bring it, bitch."

---

"Mmph! Mmwg! Mm, grrph mmmph!" Wally tried to yell for help through his gag. Two guys had just jumped on him, tied him up and shoved him into the bottom of the boat as they sat around plotting.

"Ain't we gonna look for the map?"

"Moron. There were two people here, and that girl went into the forest. She'll have the map with her and all we have to do is wait for her to come out with the treasure, and then we'll ambush her! Is it me or does this whole set up seem familiar? Come to think of it, I'm sure I remember her from somewhere." Ruarai pondered. "Never mind that. All we need to do is be patient."

"What about him?"

"Nah, he's obviously the weak one. He's harmless to us."

"Can we smash him?"

"MRRRG!" Wally screeched. Ruarai shook his head and sighed in exasperation. He did that a lot when Drak was around.

"No, Drak, we agreed. You don't get any free steaks if you smash anyone you're not supposed to. Besides, don't waste your energy smashing a wimp. He's not going anywhere." Wally could hear them perfectly. All he needed to do was crawl a few inches closer to his bag and try and get his gag off. Crawling when tied up was hard, but he was getting there. Very slowly.

---

Ansela was gasping for breath, and so was the woman who had attacked her. They were both cut up and bruised a little, but were mostly tired from running, jumping and dodging. The woman looked up at Ansela, clutching her chest and groaning;

"You are impressive. I underestimated you. Don't get too sure, as you won't get to the village."

"What village?"

"The secret ninja village!"

"Secret ninja village? Never heard of it."

"Of course you haven't, you idiot! It's a secret ninja village! Besides, I am going to kill you so it doesn't really matter whether I tell you this or not. We train here to master the art of ninjitsu and reach the pinnacle of ninjahood. Only those born in the village may be in the village and use our treasures. You are skilled, but you are an outsider, and all outsiders must die to protect the village and out honour. We live as one with nature and as such we are bound to this forest and our home- AGH!" Ansela kicked her in the stomach and knocked her around the head.

"Ooh, nice monologue, Princess Mononoke." She pulled the map out of her bag and continued walking. "Don't worry, I won't hurt any of your ninja friends. Your treasures on the other hand? Now they're mine, no doubt about it."

---

Back in the world of the relatively normal...

"Any sixes?"

"Go fish. Got any nines?" Drak handed Ruarai his nine. Ruarai placed his four nines on the sand and grinned. "I win again!"

"Aw nuts, I hate this game. Can't we play Snap?"

"No."

---

The woman sat on the tatami mat floor, kneeling before two me and a little girl. The youngest man was dressed in the same black garb as her, but he wasn't wearing a mask. His features were quite plain and shallowly set. The room was made up of wood and paper panelled doors decorated lavishly with flower patterns.

"I-I'm sorry, Tokutaro. She used trickery to make me drop my guard and I-" The woman stammered. The man raised his hand and she fell silent.

"No excuses, Junko. You failed to subdue an intruder and so you will be demoted. I will deal with this girl, and you will return your first level emblem to the academy and get a second level emblem. Do you understand?"

"Yes, honourable brother." She bowed and left the room through the sliding door. Hayao shook his head and pulled up his mask.

"I'm sorry my sister has brought shame upon our village, honourable elder and honourable princess. She will be punished further, I shall see to it." He was talking to an old man, seated at the other end of the room wearing red and gold robes. A little girl with long green hair in pigtails, wearing a white kimono, sat next to him.

"Oh, no, grandfather, don't punish her any more than that!" The little girl chirped. "She did her best!"

"Quiet, Kazemi, it is not your place to speak. Junko has indeed brought shame upon us, but I feel that is punishment enough for her." He paused for a moment to consider things. "Tokutaro, your sister is a good ninja. This opponent must be very skilled. Be careful."

"I will, honourable elder Masato." Hayao bowed and exited the room by one of the side panels.

"Miyuki, can you come in here a moment?" One of the panels behind them opened and a graceful looking woman dressed in a blue kimono stepped out.

"Yes honourable elder?" She said, bowing.

"Send a scout team to the beach and tell them to bring anyone they find here. Don't kill them."

"I will see to it right away." She bowed and left through the same panel she had come in through. The elder sighed.

"Intruders are so troublesome. We go to extreme lengths to hide ourselves, yet they still seek us out."

"Why do they do that, honourable grandfather?" Kazemi asked. Masato smiled and turned to his granddaughter.

"Maybe they think we have great treasures. I hope they are summarily disappointed when they see this place." He smiled and patted his granddaughter on the head.

---

"Gees, what a shithole." Ansela said, looking over the village from her vantage spot atop a nearby cliff. From her leafy hiding place, she could see the whole village. It wasn't very big, for a start. Maybe about a hundred people at most, she guessed from the number of buildings. A small area of farmland and grazing land, and most of the buildings were small except for the one in the middle. "I bet that's where the mayor or the lord or whatever lives. They might have something worth stealing there." She got ready to leave, before being interrupted by someone crashing down from a tree behind her.

"Halt, intruder." Ansela sighed.

"Another one?" She turned around. Yep, a guy in black clothes wearing a headband and a mask. "If that other chick was anything to go by, you ninjas are really crap."

"My sister is weak. I am much more skilled than her, and I share none of her weaknesses."

"Yeah, but you have a weakness she doesn't." The ninja scoffed.

"What?" Ansela dashed over and kneed him swiftly in the groin. He doubled up in pain, giving her a chance to knock him out quickly. She smiled and made her way down the cliff path to the village.

"Hope you didn't want kids." She said with a grin.

---

Just a little closer... yes! Wally had finally got to the bag and managed to nudge the crystal out with his chin. He managed to get the gag off by placing his cheek on the bottom of the boat and pulling. He hoped he wouldn't get any splinters. That would just make this already crappy day even worse, if it could get any worse. The gag fell off and he whispered into the crystal.

"Ansela!" He hissed. Her voice came back through the crystal, sounding crackly, like someone was rustling a bag of chips on the other end.

"What? What's _bzzp_? Why are you whispering? Speak up, there's this _bzzp_ noise."

"These two guys have tied me up and I can't escape! They're waiting to ambush you!" He could hear a loud snort on the other end of the line. He looked over at the two guys. They seemed to be totally engrossed in their game of Snap, so he figured he'd be ok.

"Give me a _bzzp_. I'm just outside this secret _bzzp _village. By Zamorak, these _bzzp _must... _bzzp _defective _bzzzp bzzz. _I bet that _bzzp _King Toole gave us _bzzp_ ones, the _bzzp bzzp bzzzzz_Wal_zzzp _hey_ bzzp _can't_ bzzp._"There was no more after that. He stared at the crystal. It didn't seem to be broken, but you could never tell with magical things. He looked over at his captors again. At this rate, he'd just have to hold out and wait for Ansela to come and rescue him. He rested his head on the wooden bottom of the boat and sighed.

A loud yell made him snap up quickly. He looked over. Several men in black clothes were restraining the two men who had captured him and taken him away. They were running around looking for others. Were they friendly? Er, well, probably not. One of the men came over to the boat and looked in.

"I'm not with them! They kidnapped me! So, uh, can you let me go?" The man said nothing and motioned for someone else to come over. They lifted Wally out of the boat and carried him with them, still tied up. "Ok, I guess that means no."

---

Ansela had thought about waiting till night time and then sneaking in, but she figured these people might tighten their security more the longer they knew she was here, so now would be the best time to sneak in. She snuck around the back of the largest building. There had better be treasures in here, she thought to herself as she opened the back door and peered in. The room was made up of the same wood and paper panels. It was empty save for a small ornate gold box in the centre. Treasure chest! Ansela grinned to herself and walked over slowly. She took a small cut log out of her bag, and slid it along the floor. No booby traps, good. She stepped over towards the box and opened it. These people have no sense of security systems. Too easy.

She found out why it was too easy. There was nothing in the box but a small paper scroll. The box was probably worth way more. She put the scroll back in the box and slipped the box into her bag. Easy peasy, and not a bad gain. The box looked nice and valuable, and maybe some magic guy would pay her for the scroll.

"Halt!" A loud voice called from behind her. "Subdue the intruder! She has the sacred scroll!" About five ninja dressed in black were standing behind her. Now **this **would be fun.

---

Takutaro and Junko were kneeling before the elder, both looking ashamed of themselves. Takutaro groaned in pain and bowed.

"I'm sorry, honourable elder. She must have had the aid of others. There is no way she could have subdued me aloooone." He groaned, holding his crotch. Junko looked at him, concerned.

"Brother? Is something wrong?"

"Nooooo." He groaned, far too embarrassed to admit how he'd been beaten, especially as it involved his... manhood. Masato sighed.

"Two of my best ninja beaten and shamed in one day. Perhaps I need to ask Suzume to deal with her. This opponent must be powerful, smart and skilled."

"You know it, baby!" Ansela yelled, bursting through one of the panels, pursued by several ninja. "I'm pretty hot, too."

"IT'S HER!" Junko and Takutaro jumped up at the same time and pointed. Takutaro groaned in pain. Moving hurt. The five ninja leapt through the hole in the wall and prepared to attack. The leader of them was a woman with brown hair pulled up into a plait.

"Suzume, I see you've already found her. Subdue her at all costs!" Masato ordered.

"I will, honourable elder." She readied herself, drawing her knife. The other four did the same. Now, taking on one ninja, Ansela could do. But in a situation where there were five highly armed, highly skilled killing machines about to unleash some major ninja whoopass upon you, there was only one solution. She pulled a bottle out of her bag. She tossed it on the ground and the room quickly filled with blinding purple smoke, letting Ansela dash out of the front door, leaving several coughing ninja behind.

"Cerrin's patented Smoke Potion Recipe number three! Bye bye, losers!" Yep, copying down some of Cerrin's recipes had been a good idea. They weren't too hard to reproduce. She ran straight through the village, leaving shrieking kids and surprised farmers in her wake. As she made her way out, she was aware that someone was running after her. It was the female ninja she'd beaten up in the forest. She was jumping through the tree branches, following Ansela.

"I lost once! I shall not lose again!" She yelled. Ansela laughed and threw a bottle of potion at her. "Another smoke bomb? I will not be fooled again!" She caught the potion in her hand. "See AAGH!" The bottle exploded in her hand, knocking her out of the tree and into a bush. Ansela turned her head and winked as she ran away.

"Cerrin's Exploding Potion number 12! Explodes when caught! See, mages ARE useful for something."

---

"ROW! Row as fast as you can, you asshole, row like you've never rowed before!"

"I'm rowing! Rowing!" Drak yelled, gasping for breath. They'd escaped from the ninjas and were now rowing away as fast as they could. That kid they'd tied up was still captured, though, and they didn't care.

"Good! Now don't stop until we reach the shores of Miscellania and of freedom!"

---

Ansela reached the beach and hopped the boat. Never mind Wally, they'd find him and probably realise he was so not a threat he probably wasn't even worth killing. She'd come back for him after she sold this box. It sure had gotten dark quick. Then again, you lose all sense of time when wandering through a forest.

---

"... and that is the tale of the beautiful princess trapped in the golden tower."

"Yay, another one!" Kazemi giggled and clapped her hands. Wally sighed and started to re-tune his lute, but Masato motioned for him to stop.

"Kazemi, it's time for bed now. You can hear some more tomorrow."

"Aww!" Kazemi pouted as Miyuki led her away to her room. "Sing me some stories tomorrow!" She squealed, waving happily at Wally. Masato sighed.

"Well, Kazemi seems to like you. And from what I have heard, you didn't come here of your own free will. But we have rules in this village. No one can learn the location of this place."

"Ok, I won't tell anyone."

"It is not that simple. No one who learns the location of this village can leave."

"Err."

"You will have to remain and live here."

"Oh!" Wally breathed a sigh on relief. For a second there, he thought he'd be executed or locked up in a dungeon for the rest of his life.

"Well, we need a babysitter for Kazemi and the other children in the village for when Miyuki has days off. Do you think you can do that?"

"I can try." Wally sighed. Well, it could have been worse. Much worse. But hopefully Ansela would rescue him at some point. Spending the rest of his life singing nursery rhymes to the village kids was not how he wanted to live for the rest of his life.

---

Ansela had left Miscellania and was camping out a few miles west. Best not to be in a populated place when carrying valuable stuff. She opened the box and took the scroll out. They'd called it a sacred scroll. Well it didn't look valuable. Maybe she'd drop it off after she'd sold the box. And she couldn't leave Wally there forever. She pondered to herself. That trip had been a real dud. The map made it look like there was real treasure. Unless it was really well hidden. No sense in getting herself in any more trouble. She looked at the scroll and unravelled it.

"None of this writing makes any sense at all. I wonder if Cerrin could read it? She seems to know everything." Oh yeah, she thought, I can't ask Cerrin to read it for me. Ansela sighed. She did miss them, that was true. Maybe in a few years when all the furore with Hench had died down properly. She rolled out the scroll fully. There was a picture of a girl surrounded by what looked like wind. "Hmm." As she looked at it, the scroll began to glow green.

"Eyargh!" She dropped it in shock as green light enveloped her tent.

---

"Junko, Takutaro, this is serious indeed. The intruder stole the sacred scroll. Without it, the wind princess will never gain her full powers. You must retrieve it, understand? Since you were both shamed, it is your duty to regain your honour and the scroll. Do you feel that you can take on this serious duty?" Both ninja nodded.

"Yes, honourable elder. We will take down the thief and regain the scroll. I swear on my lost honour." Takutaro said, bowing.

"I as well, honourable elder." Junko bowed.

"Then go. Pursue her to the ends of the earth and retrieve that scroll. Stop at nothing. And Takutaro... put some ice on it. "

---

"Oog." Ansela groaned and rubbed her pounding head. The sunlight pouring in through the gap in the tent door was blinding. "S'funny. Don't remember drinking." She groaned, pulling a blanket over her head. After a couple of minutes, she decided she'd have to get up. She slowly got up, groaning. She opened the tent flap and walked out to the edge of the stream she'd camped by. She knelt down and splashed some water on her face to try and wake herself up. _I don't usually get hangovers this bad, and I'm never so drunk I remember nothing. It must have been a really long night._ She opened her eyes and looked at her reflection in the stream.

"EEEEEEYYAAAAARRRGH!" She was wearing a ninja uniform, but this one was bottle green. Her normal headband had been replaced with a ninja's headband, all her knives had changed into throwing stars, and her hair was now a lot longer and tied back in a ponytail. It still looked a mess though. "The ninjas got me drunk and turned me into a ninja! Or something! No wait, that doesn't make any sense at all." She thought for a moment. "The scroll! That green light! It's a magic scroll that makes you a ninja! No wonder they didn't want me to take it." She looked down at her ninja outfit. "This is really crappy. Way too dowdy looking." She grabbed her dagger and started to make some alterations. When she tore one of the sleeves off, there were symbols written on her arm. She had no idea what they meant and they wouldn't come off with water.

She got up, having made her outfit to her liking, and decided to enjoy this. She wondered if this magic scroll gave her the same abilities as all the other ninja.

---

"IT DOOOOOOOES! YAAAAAAAHOOOOOOO!" She squealed as she bounced through the trees, startling squirrels, birds and other tree dwelling creatures as she made her way through the forest. Testing her ninja abilities was step one. Making use of them that was step two. And she'd completely forgot about the box, Wally and everyone else. Well, they were still inside her head, but right now she was just enjoying her newfound ability to somersault twenty feet into the air. She'd better get a handle on her abilities soon, because there were a few people who wanted her dead.

---

Ruarai breathed a sigh of relief as he and Drak landed ashore. A whole night of rowing around in circles and they'd finally reached dry land on Miscellania's shores. Drak wasn't too happy though.

"Where are we?"

"Miscellania, you dope. I think."

"This ain't Miscellania! I grew up on Miscellania and this ain't it! We're lost! We're on a weird island with no way to escape! No way to escape! Help! We're stranded! Polar bears! Monsters in the trees! What's that weird hatch? WHO ARE THE OTHERS? WE'RE GONNA DIE! PUSH THE BUTTON! AAAAA-" Ruarai tugged off Drak's helmet and hit him hard over the head with an oar. Drak fell silent and stared at Ruarai dumbly.

"You fucking moron!" He yelled, pointing to a sign that read 'Welcome to Etceteria'. "We're on the other side of the island."

"What island? WHY CAN'T WE GET OFF THE ISLAND? LOOOOOOOCKE!" Ruarai shook his head and walked off the beach, heading straight for the local bank, leaving Drak alone to run around, panicking about an island that didn't exist.

"I'm going to get a new sidekick. I am."

---

One year and ten months later...

Well, Wally had been rescued from the ninja village, much to the dismay of the young princess Kazemi. Unfortunately, the two of them had spent most of the past year and ten months fleeing from two angry ninja. Attempts to reason with them were pointless, as both brother and sister were as determined and as pigheaded as each other and set on capturing or killing Ansela. Ansela however, had gotten ninja powers as well and was pretty determined to use them not only to evade the brother and sister, but to steal as much stuff as possible. It was after all this time that fleeing the ninja had inexplicably drawn them to Varrock. Well, Varrock had always been one of Ansela's favourite places to steal in. She just hoped that no one she knew would be there. Of course, there were the underground criminal syndicates, the Phoenix gang and the Black Arm gang, both of whom Ansela knew and was on good terms with. Not choosing sides was always a good idea as neither of them ever tried to kill you.

"Varrock? I hate to tell you, but this place is really close to Lumbridge. What if some of your friends come up to shop and see you?" They were leaning against the brick walls of the alley situated near the local school.

"Cerrin graduated this place years ago, and she says the magic stuff is too pricey here, so she won't be here. And if they do see me, they'll think they're seeing things. I'm dead, remember? Now, there are plenty of lowlifes around here if you know where to look, and I know plenty of good places to look. Now, should I stay at Big Jimmy's place or shall I see if Katrina's willing to bunk me up for a few days?"

"Katrina? Isn't she the leader of the Black Arm gang? She's mean! Or so I've heard."

"Aw, don't worry about it. As long as you're with me, you'll be ok!"

"Hand over the scroll!" A voice yelled from high up in the air. Ansela looked up to see Junko and Takutaro standing on top of the roof of a nearby building, weapons ready. They both leapt down, intent on stabbing Ansela as much as they could possibly manage. Ansela sighed and drew her dagger. The fifth time this month. Wouldn't these guys ever get bored? She readied herself for a fight.

"Come and get me, losers!" She grinned and pulled a few throwing knives out of her robe. Before any of them could do anything, a plothole opened up beneath Ansela and Wally's feet, and they fell in, screaming. It closed up before the two ninja reached the ground.

"Where did they go? That was not a ninjitsu technique!" Takutaro looked around, puzzled.

"Never mind that, brother! I can hear someone coming round the corner! We must hide!" The two of them jumped into the air and onto the roof, running across the rooftops just as someone came stumbling around the corner.

"I could have sworn I heard Ansela's voice." Trip said, peering around the corner and down the alley. "Maybe I **should** do what Professor Holborn says and stop studying till three in the morning."

---

"What. The. FUCK?" Ansela yelled as she rubbed her ass. She and Wally, not expecting the plothole at all, had both landed in awkward and slightly painful positions. Wally groaned and checked to see if his lute was still in one piece. It was, but he wasn't sure about his spine. They were slap bang in the middle of a large room. The walls were painted white and the floor was covered in white ceramic tiles. In the centre was a huge device with a large flat (what appeared to be to them) viewing crystal in it.

"Don't worry you two! I just need to fill you in on some important info! And besides, you don't have to fight the ninja now, do you?"

"Well, no. So, Bunny, what the heck is going on?"

"B-b-b-bunny! Talking bunny woman!" Wally screamed, backing away. Bunny rolled her eyes and smoothed her ears back.

"Talking bunny woman? Learn some manners and have some respect! I am the Plot Bunny, and I fix all plotholes and plot bugs in the fanfiction universe!" She said with a grin, her whiskers wiggling. "Now, I'm going to tell you what's going on. You're aware of the Zamorakian cult that tries to resurrect Delrith once every year? It's getting around that time again, but this year they're doing it early for some reason. Now, usually they fail, but this year someone's helping them. Now, if this was a normal progression of plot, I wouldn't be telling you this. But their newest leader is using an Orb of Plotholing similar to the one Slimebucket used in the Al Kharid wrestling tournament plot. I don't know who this guy is, but I checked on Slimebucket, and he's still in jail. I need your help to stop this guy."

"O-ok..." Wally stammered.

"Not you, I was talking to Ansela." Bunny led them over to the device (which we know to be a supercomputer) in the middle of the room. She pushed a few keys and the screen came up with several hideous creatures howling and snapping at the screen, then bursting into green goo as they were shot at. Wally and Ansela both took a few steps away.

"I am NOT fighting those." Ansela said. Bunny sighed and pressed a few keys, and it went back to the desktop. "Demon! Stop playing _Halo 2_ on the supercomputer, you brainless bucket of Saturnian hurkyblimp puke! You have a PC in your room, for the cosmos' sake!" Bunny yelled. She brought up a picture of the wizards' circle surrounded by the wizards, who were preparing their ritual by decorating the arch by painting elaborate symbols on the arches with Dulux matt paint. "_Arabian Crimson_ with _Dusky Rose_? My, they are terrible with colour schemes. Never mind that, the important thing is, you can't stop the summoning once it's started. So, you're going to defeat Delrith."

"You're nigh omnipotent! You do it." Ansela said, resting her hands on her hips and glaring at Bunny.

"I can't. I can interfere in plots, but I can't defeat major bad guys for you. Taking care of Gem was different because she wasn't meant to be in the story, but these guys are an established part of Runescape. Besides, you'll get some quest points." She grinned. "Anyway, go and see the gypsy in Varrock. Just ignore whatever she says and go straight for the Rune Tips guide." She brought it up on the computer. Ansela and Wally stared at it.

"Wow! This thing has everything about Runescape on it. Online Role-playing Game? The fuck?"

"Ignore that and read the guide!" Bunny snapped. Characters discovering that their very existence was fake would be a very bad idea.

"Go see the gypsy, talk to three guys... travel to the wizard's tower? Screw that, I can break in and steal it." Ansela said, clapping her hands together. "Come on, Bunny, send us back." Bunny rolled her eyes. No sense in trying to push it. She snapped her fingers and they landed back in the alley they'd been in previously. "Now, onwards to Varrock Castle!" They ran around the corner and ran straight into a school kid carrying about twenty books.

"Oh, I'm sorry!" Trip looked up at them. "Oh..." He nearly fainted.

"Uh oh."

"Um, wasn't he one of your friends?"

"Yeah! What're we gonna do?" Ansela looked around. "If Trip's here, Cerrin's usually near."

"Aah." Trip was staring at Ansela, stammering but not managing to get any words out. "G-g-gho-o-o..." Ansela sighed. She'd have to handle this the proper way, not making any excuses.

"Trip." She shook him by the shoulders. "I'm not dead. Bunny caught me in a plothole and I've been pretending that I'm dead for nearly two years so Hench and Mary wouldn't come after any of you again." Trip stopped stammering and stared dumbly at her for a moment, while his brain processed all of this.

"Oh." He was silent for a minute, thinking hard. "Well, that makes sense. Um, well, Mary's dead. Sally stuck a knife in her head. And Hench burned all the Jonla files, saying that he's going to put it behind him." Trip smiled at her, nearly in tears. "I knew it was your voice I heard earlier! Cerrin and Timmus are going to be so happy when they hear ab- mmph!" Ansela clamped her hand over his mouth and looked around.

"What? Are they here?" Trip shook his head. "Then get this. Don't tell anyone. At least, not for a few more months. I wanna assess Hench myself." Trip looked shocked. "No, I'm not gonna kill him! Just make sure all my files are actually gone. So, keep it a secret and make sure that you don't act too, yah know, suspicious. Promise?"

"Cross my heart."

"And hey, look at you! You've grown! You're taller than me! (A/N Ansela is only 5'4'' anyway, she's pint-sized and mean!) Where is Cerrin, anyway? Aren't you usually with her?"

"Last I heard, she's travelling in Morytania, learning Slayer magic. I've been going to Varrock High for the past, um, about two years? I passed the exam a week after my birthday and got accepted."

"That's wonderful! Uh, Wally, you can go and see the gypsy on your own. I have some catching up to do!" Wally rolled his eyes. Why should he? She always bossed him about, like he was her pet dog or something. Well, he hadn't got anything better to do, so he walked off towards the gypsy's tent on the side of the market place. "So, you're at school here. What're you studying?"

"I'm studying Healing Magic Theory, Rune Studies, Advanced Prayers and Enchanting Theory."

"Meh? You? Studying healing, of all things. You can't be a doctor."

"Well, you don't need to be a good doctor to heal. You just need high magic."

"Ok, that makes sense. How is everyone, then?"

"Everything's changed so much; I don't know where to begin. Um, well, Timmus married Amelia..."

"Say what now?"

---

Wally lifted the tent flap and peered into the gloom. There wasn't a lot of light in the gypsy's tent, but even though it was nearly evening it was still relatively light outside. He saw a dark figure hunched over a crystal ball, muttering something. The ball was filled with swirling mists which were strangely hypnotic. Wally stepped forward to try and speak to the gypsy.

"Um, excuse me, ma'am?"

"_Nooo!"_ The figure howled. Wally took a few steps back in fear. "I do not want to change my long distance provider! Fuck the hell off!" The gypsy yelled into her crystal ball, then smacked it hard with her fist. The swirling mists vanished, and the gypsy stood up, smiling. "I'm so sorry if I startled you, dearie. I just CAN'T STAND TELEMARKETERS!" She yelled, kicking her crystal ball off the table. "So, have you come for a reading? I do palms, tarot, runestones, ceromancy, and many others if you would be so kind as to read the chalkboard outside."

"Um." _She's clearly a few sandwiches short of a picnic, _Wally thought to himself. "What do you know about Delrith?" The colour drained out of her face and she ran over to the door, checked outside, and then closed it quickly.

"What is your name, child?"

"Child? I'm twenty one!"

"Your name, young man!"

"It's Wally Watkins, ma'am." The gypsy gasped and took a few steps back. She looked thrilled.

"Of course it is! I foresaw the rebirth of a great hero, come to defeat the evil demon once and for all!"

"I think you're confusing me with someone else."

"I don't think so!" She ran up to him and shook him by his shoulders. "If you aren't the hero, how did you come by the name of Delrith?"

"Well, a rabbit woman told me."

"An oracle?"

"Um, well she sees everything in the universe, so I guess so."

"An oracle has told you that you must slay the demon, and slay the demon you shall! Go, brave hero Wally, go and retrieve your blade, Silverlight! Go and see Sir Prysin at the castle, and he will tell you about your blade. Seize your destiny! Go! Go! GOOOOOO! And remember this phrase- _Abraxis Wibble Poppycock!"_ She shrieked, turning him round and shoving him out the tent, leaving him standing in the middle of the city square, puzzled. Ansela and Trip walked over, eating some cake that Ansela had obviously stolen a few minutes ago.

"So, what did the gypsy say?"

"That crazy old bat? She said we have to go and see Sir Prysin at the castle about the sword."

"Ok, to Varrock castle, and then we can finally slay that demon!" Ansela said. "Hop to it, you two!" She said, leading the way up the road to the castle. Junko and Takutaro peered around the corner of the nearby alley.

"Slay a demon? Should we allow them to do it?"

"Well, retrieving the scroll is our priority, first and foremost. But demon slaying is beyond us. We should just stick to our main objectives and attack them as soon as possible."

"But a demon? I'm finding it hard to make up my mind."

"Lemme make it up **for** you." A voice cackled before the two of them fell screaming into a plothole.

---

"The Delrith? The Delrith, are you sure?"

"As sure as eggs is eggs. Where's this Silverlight, so we can get on our way and slay this demon before those ninja assassins catch up with us."

"What ninja assassins?" Trip asked.

"I'll explain later." Ansela said. "Silverlight?" Sir Prysin stared at her blankly for a moment.

"Oh! Ah, yes, Silverlight. It's kept in a box. We need three keys to open it. Captain Rovin has a key, and the other one belongs to Wizard Traiborn."

"You said three but you only accounted for two." Trip told him. Sir Prysin glared at him indignantly.

"I did not! I have one. Oh, wait, no I don't. I dropped it down the drain a while ago. You'll have to retrieve it from the sewers."

"The fuck?" Ansela and Wally glared at him. Trip shivered.

"Sewers? I bet they have loads of rats in them..." Ansela glared at Sir Prysin, folding her arms and tapping her foot on the ground. She looked around the room. There was a box with three keyholes above it hidden in an alcove.

"Whatever. Let's hurry up and go get those keys!"

---

"I can teleport to Lumbridge and get the key from Wizard Traiborn." Trip said as they left the castle. Ansela shook her head.

"Nope. That'll take too long. I'll just break in and steal Silverlight. It'll be quicker, easer and we won't need to prat around in the sewers looking for keys."

"But..." Trip started but Ansela motioned for him to be quiet.

"If we collect the keys, you're going down the sewers." Trip quickly shut up. "Ok, you two wait here, I'll go in and get it. Remember, I have ninja reflexes!" She grinned, before jumping over the wall, hopping from shrub to tree and up to the window of the room where Silverlight was kept. Deftly, she pulled a lockpick out of her robe, and opened the window quick as a flash before clambering in. Trip had to laugh.

"She's exactly the same. My mom said that everyone changes a little bit every day, but Ansela never does."

"You're telling me." Wally laughed. "It's sure getting dark. Maybe we should hide before those ninja come after us again."

"What ninja? Ansela said she'd explain, but she didn't."

"Oh, Ansela stole this treasure from this ancient ninja clan and now they're pissed at us. So they're chasing us all over trying to kill us and take it back. Yep, good times." Wally muttered the last part sarcastically. "And now some crazy rabbit woman ordered us to kill this demon. Life is weird." Trip smiled and laughed. That sure sounded like Bunny, always popping up randomly with some new thing to do.

---

Meanwhile, a procession of dark wizards was making its way from the north of Varrock, through the darkened streets and to the altar to the south. The leader motioned for them all to stop just as they reached the square.

"Now, tonight is the night that our lord Delrith shall be reborn!"

"Don't we usually do it in July?" One of the followers asked. "The leader sighed.

"Yes, we do. But this year, we're doing it in June!" He cast a large fireball at the wizard who had asked, which burned him into a crisp. "Anyone else got a question?" There was absolute silence. "Good! Now, before we go any further, I need some volunteers-"

"Me!"

"Pick me, great leader!"

"Don't pick him, pick me!"

"Ooh! Me!"

"Meeee!"

"...to be human sacrifices." The leader finished. The entire group fell silent. The leader sighed and smacked his palm on his forehead. "Well, someone has to volunteer, unless you can find two new human sacrifices standing around."

"What about those guys!" One of the cultists pointed down the road at where Trip and Wally were standing. The two of them turned and stared at the black robed mob. The cult leader grinned and clapped his hands.

"Brothers, get them!"

"Ruuuuuun!" Wally and Trip yelled at the same time.

---

Wally, being of weak constitution and lanky legs, and Trip being incredibly clumsy, they didn't get very far before the dark wizards grabbed them, tied them up, and dragged them off to the altar. Just as they were at the end of the street, Ansela hopped over the wall, sword in hand, just in time to see the end of the procession dragging a loud, screaming Wally away.

"Oh, great, got themselves kidnapped again. I guess I'll have to go and rescue them. Again."

---

"Oh mana maaa, mana maaa, dah bada, dah bada baaaaah..." The dark wizards chanted as they walked in a circle around the stone altar, bowing and dancing in a strange elaborate fashion. The cult leader raised his hand and they began chanting again, and dancing in formation with what looked suspiciously like 'The Macarena'. Wally and Trip were both sat, tied up, in the centre of the altar, looking at the wizards nervously.

"I think we're dead."

"Hopefully Bunny and Ansela will save us. I hope." Trip sighed. "Too bad they took my runes away."

"Meh, I don't think I could've done anything." Wally sighed. "Maybe if I convert to their religion they'll let me go?"

"Uh, I doubt it."

"Worth a try." As the dance and chant came to an end, the leader stepped forward and raised his arms.

"Welcome, brave and loyal followers! I, Denath, welcome you to the 253 rd Annual Raising of Delrith!"

"I know him!" Trip hissed. "He works at the post office!" Wally stared at Denath.

"Looks really are deceiving." Denath couldn't hear what they were saying, so he continued.

"It has failed so far in the past, but this year, I have a secret weapon! Step forward, oh great and mighty one, Lord Darkvel!" A huge, tall man in head to toe black robes stepped forward, holding a black stone that shone with an eerie purple light. "Commemorative photos, key chains, t-shirts and mugs will be on sale at our gift shop!"

"I am Lord Darkvel!" Lord Darkvel proclaimed, holding the stone in the air.

"These dark wizards really don't like subtlety." Trip muttered.

"Today, we will achieve what none of our brothers in the past has achieved! We shall raise the great demon Delrith, to help us raze this land of Saradominists to ash and re-build it as our Zamorakian Utopia! And remember that the Bi-Annual Cult of Delrith Family Picnic is next week, folks! Now, we shall chant and raise our great lord!" The cultists began to chant again, dancing around the altar like crazy. Lord Darkvel stepped forward, glanced at Trip and Wally for a second, and then placed the stone on the altar. The wizards all circled round, chanted and danced as red light began to engulf the altar. Trip and Wally clung to each other for dear life as the light rushed upwards, converging at one points as Delrith slowly began to emerge. The light stopped and Trip and Wally stared in horror at the sight that befell them.

"Guys! I got Silverli-ai ai aaai!" Ansela yelled. "What the hell?"

"Doo di doo doo doo!" Delrith was singing... "Ah'm a siiiiiiingin' in the rain! Ah'm a siiiiiiiingin' in the rain! What a glorious feeeeelliiiiin', ah'm happy agaaaaain!" And that wasn't all. He was wearing a pink, flowery shower cap, holding a rubber ducky in one hand and a loofah in the other. It took him a moment to notice the hordes of shocked cultists, a shocked bard, a shocked magic student and a shocked ninja-thief staring at him and his rubber ducky. "Eeeeek!" He reached back into the hell dimensions, pulled a pink towel out and wrapped it around his waist. "Why the heck are you damn cultists summoning me in Ju- I mean" He cleared his throat noisily. "**WHY HATH THOU SUMMONED ME, PUNY MORTALS! I SHALL CRUSH THEE! I MEAN, SMASH THEE, I MEAN **aw, nah, they sound crap. **I SHALL SMITE THEE! **Yeah, that sounds great! I need to remember that."

"G-great Lord Delrith! We have summoned you t-to raze the land to ash and smite all Saradominists!"

"Oh, for the love of cheese, can't a demon get a break? I mean, why don't you raze the land yourselves! I get very little me-time, and you morons have interrupted it! And, those human sacrifices are lame! Not a virginal maiden among them!"

"S-she's a virginal maiden!" The cult leader pointed at Ansela, who was standing at the edge of the stone circle, looking at the palaver with a very amused expression.

"Ansela? Virgin?" Wally and Trip burst out laughing so hard, they nearly fell off the altar. Delrith stared at Silverlight.

"Not only have you morons summoned me at a bad time, but that girl has Silverlight! Which one of you morons is responsible for this?" All of the dark wizards took a step away and pointed at Denath. Delrith glared at him, ready to blast him with a fireball.

"No! Wait! Lord Darkvel!" He looked around, but the robed man was nowhere to be seen. "Lord Darkvel AAAAAARGH!" Those were his last words before Delrith incinerated him. The rest of the dark wizards ran before Delrith could turn his attentions to them. Delrith turned towards Trip and Wally, who backed away, but Ansela was quick enough to leap up and strike him with Silverlight. Delrith screeched in pain.

"Dude, I'm a Zamorakian through and through. But don't you dare think you can whale in my friends and get away with it!" She grinned. Delrith laughed.

"You may be able to weaken me with that glorified butter knife, but if you think you can beat me without thte magic incantation, you're sorely mistaken!"

"Incantation?" Ansela, Trip and Wally yelled in unison.

"Yep! You can't re-seal me without the incantation! Ha!" He aimed a swipe at Ansela, who dodged and stuck the sword in his arm, slashed him across the chest and sliced a chunk out of his neck. Even though he was weakened, Delrith couldn't be killed, and continued to laugh it up. Ansela growled in frustration, but Wally had an idea.

"Abraxis!"

"Blarrgh!" Delrith squirmed in pain. Wally grinned. So, the gypsy's gibberish hadn't been gibberish after all.

"_Abraxis Wibble Poppycock!" _Wally yelled. Delrith screamed, before he was sucked back into the hell dimensions, rubber ducky and all. Ansela stared at Wally.

"What was that?"

"Well, the gypsy told me something that sounded like gibberish, but I figured out that it was actually the incantation!"

"Go Wally!" Trip cheered, and Wally smiled contently, basking in his newfound glory.

"Fine, we sorted out all that, but what about Lord Darkvel and Bunny EEEEP!"

---

"Well done!" Bunny clapped her hands and cheered. "You sealed Delrith!"

"Why can't you warn us before you do that? My ass is bruised all over!" Ansela yelled. Demon ran over to Wally and Trip and cut their ropes, then ran back behind his sister. The two of them clambered up, re-adjusting their clothes. Wally was relieved to find out that his lute still remained undamaged.

"Hey, Bunny, could you drop me off so I can teleport back home? My mom's gonna be worried."

"You still live at home with your mom?"

"Well, until the deposit on the apartment is secured and Cerrin pays her half, yeah."

"Awuh!" Ansela cooed. "You're moving in together!"

"Um, yes, do you have to pat my head like that?"

"Yes! It's sooo cute!" Bunny laughed and clicked her fingers. Trip dropped down through a plothole.

"Ok, back to business, you two! I take it 'Lord Darkvel' disappeared again?"

"Yeah. Pretty dumb name." Wally said.

"Well, it's not his real name, by any accounts. Now, I'll explain so all this doesn't go over you heads."

"Wall of text!" Demon yelled, before a stone wall with 'text' written on it fell from the ceiling. Bunny glared at him and he shoved it in a plothole.

"Guys, you can come out now!" Bunny snapped her fingers. Four people jumped out of the shadows and stood in a line next to Bunny. There was a blonde woman with pink skin and unusual red tattoos on her head, wearing a pair of short legged dungarees over a red t-shirt, a man (or was it a woman? Ansela couldn't tell) wearing a long, pale blue robe that billowed even though there was no wind, a huge, ten foot tall red ogre-like guy in a chef's outfit and a small, fairy with blue hair and wings wearing a white dress and holding a Filofax.

"What the fuck?" Ansela took a few steps back in shock.

"This is my Plotholing Team! Ok, the blonde chick is Mishi, she's a mechanic." Mishi giggled and wiggled her hips. "And she's from Venus, which is why Wally is currently passed out on the floor, drooling. They exude ten thousand times more pheromones than a human." Ansela had noticed that Wally seemed to be barely conscious.

"You know, I think **I'm **becoming attracted to her."

"Well, you get used to it eventually. This is Harry." She pointed to the very feminine looking man wearing the flowing robe. "Yes, he **is** a man. Actually, he's a Sylph, you know, a wind spirit. He's a computer expert, surprisingly. The big red fellow, he's from Jupiter. His real name is Ah'du'kakalla'mabanga'shmah, but we just call him Jumbo. He's the head chef. Try his soufflé, it's divine."

"Ah du smalla..." Ansela tried to recall the name.

"Just stick with Jumbo." Bunny smiled. "And last, but no least, this is Katy. She's from Zanaris, and she's super, super organised. We put her in charge of all the travelling schedules, the plotholing ventures, and most importantly the TV schedules. She's basically like a personal assistant, but way, way cuter!" Bunny said, patting her on the head. Katy giggled and flapped her wings. Bunny stepped over to Wally and tossed a load of blue powder over him. "Anti-pheromone dust. Should stop all that drooling." Wally snapped out of his lust induced trance and sat up.

"My cheek is wet." He mumbled, wiping it off with his sleeve.

"Now, plotholing beings like me come from all over the cosmos. Now, I'm basically in charge of the whole cosmos, but I can't keep track of everything at once. Even the gods can't, and that's why I'm here, and I have lots of little plot beings everywhere to keep track of things. A little while ago, one of the minor plot beings disappeared, and with his disappearance lots of weird things began happening. Let's see, just citing your friends, Cerrin's been pursued by plot bugs, Alex, Timmus and Amelia have been trapped in plotholes until I've rescued them, and now the wizards of the cult of Delrith found a way to bend to plot to finally get the summons to work with the help of one of those plot bending stones, like what Slimebucket had."

"How do you get one of those? You don't give them out, do you?" Wally asked.

"Hell no! Some plot beings, especially weaker ones, have trouble bending the cosmos like I do. So they have plot bending stones to help them channel their powers. Sometimes, they get lost or displaced, and most of the time they get retrieved before any harm is done."

"I see." Ansela smiled. "So one of your boys has gone renegade but you can't find him, huh? And since you can't directly defeat characters unless they're from the wrong plot, like Gem, you need people to help you?"

"Got it in one! Now, this may hurt you, but I'm going to need to get the whole of your gang together. Even Rozy, Alex and Timmus. So, are you willing to explain to them why you faked your own death?" Ansela sighed and considered it for a second.

"Sure. Why not?"

---


	3. Requiem for a Black Mage

Five Friends, a Blonde and the Mystic Wind Princess

SerraBradhadair: Hello, and welcome to chapter 2! This week's questions will be answered by Runescape's number one green-haired wannabe womaniser! Presenting the pathetic, the perverted, and the pathologically creepy Alex Ilidan!

Alex: That wasn't much of an introduction, my sexy scribe. Now, what questions do you have for me?

SerraBradhadair: (rolls eyes) Ok, first question. Well, this one is actually for you, Alex._ Is Alex straight, gay or bisexual?_

Alex: I am... (long pause) SEXUAL!

SerraBradhadair: There you go. Alex will screw anything with a pulse. Question two: _Who's the shortest member of the gang?_

Alex: I think Trip is the titchiest.

SerraBradhadair: Well, at the start of the story, Trip was the shortest, measuring at 5'2'', two inches behind Rozy and Ansela who were 5'4''. But after the two year time-skip, Trip has grown to 5'6'', Rozy is 5'5'' and Ansela is now the shortest because she hasn't grown at all. Question three: _Why did Sephiroth appear in the story? That was kind of stupid_.

Alex: Beats the crap out of me.

SerraBradhadair: He came through an unsealed plothole, which was probably Plot Demon's fault. As for why, well, any well known bad guy would have sufficed. And the final question, I really hope this one was a joke: _Which of the girls has the biggest boobs?_

Alex: Ansela! D cups, I checked her bra when it was hanging on the line. I don't know what size Cerrin's are though. Mind taking off that robe, huh sexy- AAH! (Sounds of bones cracking and Alex's screams fill the air.) Oh, Saradomin, I can't breathe... Trip, heeeeal meeee...

Trip: I'm only a trainee healer. I'm not actually allowed to heal anyone without proper supervision.

Alex: Aahahagaaah...

SerraBradhadair: I'll heal him (SHAZAM!) because we need him for the next part. Roll out the wheel of torture, boys! (Demon and Jumbo heave out the wheel, which has Ansela's name blacked out.) Jumbo, strap Rozy to the wheel.

(Jumbo walks a giggling Rozy into the room. She got dressed up in a sequinned dress for the occasion. He straps her to the wheel while she giggles uncontrollably.)

Alex: Rozy! My Rozy! You can't throw knives at my Rozy! No! I'll save you! (Tries to save her but gets restrained by Jumbo.) NOOOOOO!

SerraBradhadair: And now! TRIP will throw this REALLY BIG DART at the spinning wheel! BLINDFOLDED!

Alex: NOOOOO!

Trip: Um, do I have to?

Cerrin: What Alex does not know is that the wheel is made of Velcro, and the dart is Velcro tipped. Now, watch and enjoy as we give Alex the fright of his life.

(Jumbo spins the wheel and Rozy squeals happily as Trip tosses the dart at the wheel. Alex screams like a girl.)

SerraBradhadair: Round and round and round it goes, where it stops, no one knows... Trip and Cerrin! Yes, we're doing both of their stories at the same time. Well done Rozy, have some pocky.

Rozy: (has been let off the wheel) Yay pocky!

Cerrin: I have to share? Well, at least I do not have to share with Alex.

Trip: Um, oh, my life's not really that interesting...

SerraBradhadair: (hugs Trip) Aww, my ickle baby! Your life is interesting!

Trip: You're acting like my mom.

Rozy: Alex? Are you ok? You look funny.

Alex: Oh, Rozy! Never fear, for I will forever, from now on, protect you with my life!

Rozy: Aw, that's so sweet! But I really don't need you to protect me Alex! Anyway your combat level is lower than mine, hee hee!

Alex: Uwaaah.

Katy: People, we're nearly out of time! There's a spatial anomaly in the plothole dimension! We have to wrap up these authors notes!

Rozy: OMG KAWAII FAIRY!

Katy: Oh, fuck no. (flies away)

Rozy: KAWAII KAWAII KAWAII KAWAII...

SerraBradhadair: All right, everyone listen to the organiser fairy! This is chapter two, it's about Trip and Cerrin, enjoy!

Chapter 2: Requiem for a Black Mage

Well, his birthday party had gone pretty much like it always had. Cerrin had lost her temper again, Alex had been knocked unconscious and dragged out, Rozy had had too much sugar and was bouncing down the road like Tigger on crack, Timmus had left without a word and Trip and his mom were left clearing up the mess, with Mr Tiptree nowhere in sight. Well, Cerrin had stayed behind to help. This was a good thing, because as kind and earnest as Trip was, he was pretty damn useless too.

"Oops!" Trip exclaimed as he fell over the bucket of water for the third time. He was trying to pick up all the discarded streamers and party hats, but every time he picked something up he knocked something else over. Cerrin rolled her eyes and smacked him on the ankles with her mop.

"Just go up to your room! I will finish cleaning up."

"But you hate cleaning."

"No buts! Go!" Cerrin yelled, chasing him away with her mop. Mrs Tiptree just leant on her broom and giggled quietly, watching the two of them. She sighed and shook her head. Cerrin glared at her. "Is something amusing?"

"Well, yes. You act so much like you're his wife, heh heh!" Mrs Tiptree giggled. Cerrin turned away, blushing and cursing under her breath.

---

"My, my, you do keep your room very tidy. Are you not going to open the present?" Cerrin asked as she entered Trip's bedroom. He had been sitting cross-legged on his bed, staring at Hench's birthday gift for ten minutes.

"I don't know. I've only known him a week. What if it's something I really, really like and my dad gets jealous or something? Mom didn't tell dad that Hench came to the party."

"Well, if your dad is too busy working to make five minutes for your birthday party, who cares about him?"

"Cerrin, my dad supports all of us. It's not his fault."

"I am very surprised that I am saying this, but Hench crawls out of hospital to bring you a present and the dad who raised you will not leave work on time to get home for your birthday. Sorry, Trip, but your father, your adoptive father is behaving like an idiot. Open the damn present." That was it; there was no arguing with Cerrin as far as Trip was concerned. He tugged the ribbon off the box and tore the paper off. There was no point trying to be neat. He pulled off the box lid and rummaged through the tissue paper.

"'The Complete Guide to Healing'?" He stared at the cover of the book.

"Why would he get you something like that? Does he think you want to be a healer?"

"Well, we were talking, when he took me to his apartment, and I told him I wanted to be a doctor when I was younger. But I obviously couldn't be one, because, well, obviously."

"Well, the thought of you performing something like cardiomyoplasty or a heart bypass is quite scary. But healing, I think I would trust you to be good at. Shall we read it together?" Trip smiled.

"Sure."

---

"Well, it says 'Anyone wishing to become a successful healer must have moderate mastery of basic magic and prayer techniques.' Magic level?" Cerrin asked.

"Um..." Trip though for a second. "The highest spell I can cast is Earth Strike, so nine." Cerrin snorted with laughter behind the book, but continued to read.

"Prayer level?"

"Forty seven."

"Much better. The book recommends a magic and prayer level of forty each. So, we shall have to practice magic until you reach that level. And the next entrance exam for Varrock College of Magic is next week, so you will have to get up to scratch before then or wait another year."

"I can do it! I learned an entire textbook in one night once. Well, I still fell asleep in the test the next day and had to take it again."

"Well, we will not be pulling any all nighters. Magic strains your body and your mind, so you had better get as much sleep as possible." Cerrin tapped a stack of large crates, before grabbing a crowbar and prying the lid off the top. Trip looked in. It was filled to bursting with runes- Water, Earth, Fire, Mind, Body, Chaos, and a few others Trip didn't recognise. He assumed they were combination Runes.

"There's no Air Runes."

"That is because you will be using this!" Cerrin tossed him her Air Staff. "A well prepared mage knows that Air runes are used as a primary base in most offensive spells! And the staff eliminates the need to carry around Air runes." Trip nodded. "Good thing I thre- persuaded Aubury to give me a load of his rune stocks at a reduced price. So, we shall start with the next spell, which is Weaken. And, I have enlisted someone to help us with that."

"Oh. I wondered why you had Alex tied to a post."

"Hey, come on! This is really unfair! Why don't you use, I don't know, Timmus! Or a goblin?"

"Well, you were in the immediate vicinity, and Timmus is in Ardougne. And I would never, ever treat a goblin the same way as I treat you, Alex. They deserve better."

"Bitch!"

"Flattery will get you nowhere! Trip, get your runes and aim the spell at Alex."

"I dunno, I don't think I can cast spells on Alex."

"That's right! Don't listen to that evil flame-haired sexpot trying to lead you astray AAARGH!" Trip had hit him with an Earth Strike.

"Ok, I think I can now." Cerrin smiled at him, and they both laughed.

"Nooo! She's corrupted you! AGH! Stop it! YEARGH! ACK! You're mean! OW!"

---

Alex limped off back to his trailer, bruised and debilitated from repeated spell abuse as Cerrin and Trip reviewed the day's spell-casting. The stock of runes had been greatly reduced, the ground was torn up from missed spells and Trip was absolutely exhausted, so he was lying on the sofa in his living room while Cerrin looked over he notes.

"Well, you have good mastery over the basic Strike spells, and your advancement onto the Bolt spells is impressive. You have advanced from level nine to level twenty-three in just ten hours! My, you might be almost as good as me one day." Trip groaned loudly and pulled a cushion over his face.

"I wanna sleep." Trip mumbled. "Mooooommyyyy." Mrs Tiptree came in and sighed happily.

"Oh, Trip, you've been working so hard! I'll make you a cup of cocoa and some toast."

"I just want to sleep."

"Come on! You need to eat too, or you will be too tired to practice tomorrow and go out and do practical work the day after tomorrow. The book states that 'a healer must have enough mastery over basic offensive spells to defend themselves in a battle situation'." Trip lifted the cushion off his face and stared at Cerrin, bleary-eyed.

"Practical? Wasn't today practical?"

"Firing spells at an immobile wimp will not prepare you for maging in the field!" Cerrin said, slamming the book shut and tapping Trip on the forehead with it. "You need to fight some real monsters! So, after you have raised your level to thirty tomorrow, we will go to Al Kharid the next day and practice magic on some scorpions." Trip groaned and placed the cushion back over his face. Mrs Tiptree came trotting in with two large mugs of cocoa and a plate stacked with buttered toast.

"Oh, Cerrin, aren't scorpions, you know, a little dangerous?"

"No. I have been fighting scorpions since I was old enough to hold a staff. Besides, Trip is sixteen. I do believe that he is old and strong enough to start fighting." Cerrin picked up a piece of toast and nibbled the corner. Mrs Tiptree sighed. Cerrin was quite hard to argue with. There was a loud knocking at the door and Mrs Tiptree skipped out of the living room to answer it.

"Oh, hello Julie!"

"Hello, Sarah, don't mind me; I'm just here to fetch Cerrin. She's been gone all day and it's her turn to cook dinner."

"Is that wise?"

"Well, Andrew can't cook and I ain't bloody doing it!" She snapped. "Cerrin! Get here right now!" Cerrin rolled her eyes, put the half eaten toast back on the plate and placed the book next to Trip.

"Make sure to get some sleep." Then she heard a quiet snore. She lifted the cushion and Trip was already asleep. She laughed and smacked him softly on the head with the cushion. He stirred but he didn't wake up. "Now I have to go home and try not to burn holes in the pans again."

---

"Take your time, won't you?" Mrs Wyver growled as Cerrin left the Tiptrees' house and walked down the street to her house.

"Oh, shut up. I swear, you are even more grouchy than usual."

"You as well. You know I've been run down this past week! I've been throwing up, my ankles are swollen, and I'm putting on weight!" Cerrin stared at her mom.

"Uh, mother, have you considered that you might be, well..."

"What?"

"Pregnant?" The cogs whirred around in Mrs Wyver's head and clicked into place.

"ARGH! I WILL MURDER YOU ANDREW!

---

"Mommy's cross again." Rozy sighed as she took the casserole out of the oven. "I hope she still likes my yummy casserole!" She giggled as she placed it on the table.

"I know dear. Don't worry, she'll get over it soon-" Was all he managed to muster before a frying pan collided with his head.

---

Cerrin yawned and flopped down on her bed. It had been a week and two days since Ansela's death. Everyone seemed to be taking it well. Timmus was eating meat again, and Cerrin figured that his friendship with Amelia was also helping him. Rozy was skipping around singing bunny songs, although she didn't seem quite as bubbly as normal. Cerrin supposed that even Rozy wasn't immune to the pain of bereavement, even though she was a little too immature to really comprehend it. Alex seemed just as perverted as usual, but he really had liked Ansela as a friend, so Cerrin knew he was hurting underneath it all. And Trip, Trip was as happy as Cerrin had ever seen him, but recently he seemed very determined to get better at magic. He hadn't cried in front of anyone else once; even when she'd collapsed on his shoulder, crying, he hadn't cried. She'd heard him crying in his room when no one else was around, though, but he'd come out determined to kick magical ass. He was tougher than he looked.

There was the sound of a plate smashing downstairs and of Mrs Wyver storming upstairs angrily, slamming her bedroom door and locking it tight. Cerrin looked out as her dad came up the stairs, sighing.

"Boy, looks like I'm sleeping on the couch again. You ok, Cerrin?"

"I am fine, daddy. Do you need any extra blankets?"

"Oh, no, I already have enough fluffy pink blankets and teddies from little Rozy. It's sweet, but considering she's fifteen, a little creepy. Night, see you in the morning."

"Goodnight, daddy."

---

"Wow! So, do you think it'll be a boy or a girl?" Trip asked as the two of them made their way through the Al Kharid gates, laden down with sacks of runes and some homemade pastries from Mrs Tiptree. Cerrin shrugged.

"I do not care, as long as it does not take after my parents. Hopefully, it will not end up like Rozy either."

"Well, you're going to have another brother or sister in a few months! You're so lucky. I've always wanted a little sister to play with, you know?"

"You can have Rozy if you want."

"No way." Trip laughed. They made their way up to the mining area of Al Kharid. The miners tended to leave you alone so long as you didn't threaten their patch. The scorpions, however, were a major annoyance to everyone. Taking care of the scorpions meant that the miners would definitely leave you alone. Cerrin and Trip stood on top of the embankment, Trip holding his staff and looking nervous.

"All right, scorpions. They are not very strong, but they are not very weak either. Try to dispatch them as quickly and easily as possible. Now, try to do a Fire Bolt."

"I'm only level thirty three, and Fire Bolts are-"

"Stop whining! You will not advance unless you try!" She snapped. Trip sighed and decided to try to attempt it. He picked out the right runes, concentrated and aimed at a nearby scorpion. A flicker of flame spluttered out of his outstretched hand and fell on the sand. Cerrin shook her head. "Maybe we should stick with the Earth Bolts for a while longer."

"No, I can keep trying!" His next attempt was little better, his third attempt set a nearby bush on fire and his fourth hit the scorpion, but did so little damage the scorpion simply scratched it's head before scuttling off to attack some more miners trying to grab the runes that re-spawned in this area. "Ok, it's not really working."

"The last one was not too bad." Cerrin's voice sounded strained. "Oh, forget it! You suck!"

"I'm trying!" Trip yelled, shooting a jet of fire out of his hand that burned the scorpion, which screeched in pain before being incinerated. The miners turned away from their mining for a moment to clap. Trip blushed and laughed nervously.

"See? You can do it, with the proper encouragement."

"You told me I sucked."

"It made you want to try harder so you would not suck! Do you see what I am trying to do?"

"Yeah."

"Now, try it again on that scorpion next to you."

"Eyargh!" Trip jumped back, away from the scorpion that had scuttled around and was about to snap at him with its pincers. Cerrin smacked him on the shoulder.

"Stop screaming like a girl! Kill it!" Cerrin yelled. Trip cast another Fire Bolt; it went wide and he had to quickly cast another before the scorpion pounced on him. It shrieked and died as the spell hit it. After a few more shaky attempts, Trip began to cast the spell with ease, killing the troublesome blighters with one or two spells a pop.

"I have to say, you really are good at this. The next spell up is Crumble Undead. Well, try a few more Fire Bolts and then I will teleport us up to Varrock. We can walk up to Edgeville and try Crumble Undead on the skeletons."

"Ok!" Trip burned another scorpion to death and picked up his bag. Cerrin was about to cast the teleport spell when a voice resounded behind them;

"LOLz dud ho u kil scrop wi fir sho mi hw or i repot u!11!2"

"A n00b! N00b alert! Take cover and pray to whatever deity you worship!" Cerrin yelled. All the miners in the pit quickly dived behind the nearest rock in terror. Trip backed away nervously and tripped over a rock. He stumbled and fell down the pit.

"Ow..." The n00b jumped down, and every miner squealed in terror and ran. It was wearing really crappy bronze armour that looked like it had been smithed by a blind eight year old with no hands.

"u no sho mi fir i r repotin u lolz!1"

"Kill it! Kill it before it begs for money!" Cerrin yelled. Trip blasted the n00b with a Fire Bolt. It shrieked in pain as its ugly, warped, inhuman features twisted and burnt into ash.

"ow fuak u!1! omg i r ash bi mi 1000 coinz!11" It yelled before dying. Cerrin hopped down into the pit and hugged Trip tightly.

"You killed your first n00b! I am so proud of you!" She kissed him on the lips and squealed happily. "I knew you would be good! Now, off to Varrock! And the wilderness!" She said, as they were enveloped in purple light.

"Ok. Wait, the WILDERNESS?"

---

"Oh, my little baby! My baby is so clever! I'm so proud of you!" Mrs Tiptree wailed happily as she hugged Trip, nearly squashing him. "You passed! And with honours too!" Trip had just left the school with his test results. The moment he showed them to his mom, she'd hugged him and hadn't let go yet.

"Mom! We're-in-the-middle-of-Varrock!" He hissed. People in the market were giggling as they passed Trip and his mom. Trip sighed. Why did she treat him like he was six, instead of sixteen?

"Oh, I'm sorry! I'm just so proud of you!" She stopped hugging him and patted him on the head. "I'm sure Cerrin will be happy to see how well you've done!"

"I hope so. Maybe she'll actually think I'm smart enough to help her out with her research. I mean, with the serious parts and not just finding books and stuff."

"Oh, of course she thinks you're smart enough already! She never invites anyone else to help her, does she?"

"Well, no."

"Then stop putting yourself down! You're my clever little baby and don't let anyone ever tell you any different!"

"Mom, you're hugging me again."

---

Cerrin placed the neatly folded robes into her suitcase, along with her vast array of talismans, tiaras, her recently obtained Amulet of Fury, a large map of Runescape, vials of herbs, various other ingredients and all the books she needed. Everything was ready. Well, nearly everything. Now, how to put this in words...

"Cerrin!" Her thoughts were interrupted by Trip stumbling up the stairs and charging into her room. "I passed! I really passed!" His happy expression faded when he saw the suitcase on her bed. "Are you going away?"

"Just for a while. I am sorry, Trip. I am going to travel to the remaining Rune Altars and try to find out more about this strange phenomenon."

"Ok, then take me with you." Cerrin had to laugh.

"You let me put you through absolute hell to get you into high school, and study healing. Come on, when we got to the last few spells you were half dead from exhaustion. Do not give up everything I taught you just because you want to come with me." She looked at Trip's downcast face and sighed. "It is only for a few months. I will teleport straight back to see you. Plus, as you'll be in Varrock and I'll be miles away, neither of us will have to see Alex for a while."

"Well, we wouldn't have to see him anyway. He's gone to Falador to become a White Knight."

"Again?" They both laughed and collapsed on each other, giggling. "How long do you think it will be before he is back, living in that awful trailer with his mom?"

"I'd say a week."

"I would not give him a day." Cerrin laughed. "So, I will see you in a few months. And, as I recall I did not buy you a present for your birthday, here." She handed him a folded up piece of paper. "Just follow it." She smiled, picked up her suitcase and cast a teleport spell on herself. As she disappeared in a swirl of purple light, Trip unfolded the piece of paper and read it.

"'Go to your room and look under your bed. You will never be late to school'."

---

"My Saradomin." He said, looking at the box overflowing with Law Runes. "These cost a fortune." He gawped. Well, she might have crafted them herself, but it was still a grand gesture. He smiled, although he still looked a little sad.

---

Four months and her journey was finally at an end. Cerrin stepped out of the temple and looked at the Death talisman in her hand. The final altar, and now she had collected the powers of all the altars in Runescape. She also had some theories, and as soon as she wrote them up she'd present them to the Wizards' Council. As she prepared a teleport spell, a rustling in the nearby bushes interrupted her. She figured that it was probably a wild animal and resumed her concentration. Big mistake. As she turned away, the creature leapt out and pounced on her.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

---

Well, seven months after he'd started studying at Varrock High, he was heading home on a brisk and breezy February Friday. The forecast had said snow, but it was actually dry and crisp, which was a good thing if you fell over as much as Trip did. Trip was doing well at school, his grades were good, no one really picked on him (he suspected that, after seeing his mother beat that bullying senior into the ground, everyone was too scared to) and Cerrin hadn't returned yet. He was really starting to worry, but he figured Cerrin must have become really absorbed in her research. She'd once spent a whole month in her room researching ancient spells, only coming out to use the bathroom and eat. As he heaved his heavy satchel of books over his shoulder and trudged up to the school, a loud and shrill voice interrupted him;

"Hello, Tripper!" Trip sighed and hoped he was mistaken. He turned around and looked at the familiar figure dressed in the armour of a White Knight. "So, what brings you to this lovely town?"

"I go to school here, remember? Anyway, what are you doing here? Don't tell me you actually passed this time?"

"Yep! We're on a field trip to beat up some of those Black Knights! So I came here to see if any nubile high school girls would fall for my chivalric charm!"

"Um, I don't think they will be."

"Aw, come on, I'll get a girl for you, too." Trip rolled his eyes and shook his head.

"You're an idiot." He muttered. Alex ignored him and decided to go and try some chat up lines on a group of girls that had just come through the school doors. Trip heard a loud yell of 'pervert' and the sound of a satchel hitting someone's skull, and he laughed quietly to himself. Maybe he'd go and see Mrs Wyver after school and see if Cerrin was back.

---

"Oh. Hello, Trip." Mrs Wyver sighed. "Cerrin isn't back yet." She growled. "Anything else you want to bother me with?"

"No, Mrs Wyver. I'm just a little worried." Trip shook his head and looked at Mrs Wyver. She was getting big. He wondered if it was actually twins or just a really big baby.

"Yes, I am nine months pregnant. Stop staring." She growled.

"I'm sorry."

"Fine, fine, whatever." A familiar squeal sounded down the end of the path.

"Trippy! Trippy-pie!" Rozy squealed, bounced down the path and hugged Trip. "Hey, hey, guess what I've been doing! Guess, guess, guess!" She squealed, hanging from his neck as she bounced up and down. Trip tried to move her arms so it didn't feel like she was trying to throttle him.

"Uh, chasing bunnies?"

"Nope! I've been training with a master archer so now I can shoot properly! Watch!" She grabbed her bow off of her back, pulled an arrow out of her quiver and pulled it back, aiming across the river. She let the arrow go and it killed a n00b who had been badgering a warrior. He waved at Rozy in thanks and kicked the n00b's corpse. "Cerrin said that n00bs are pests, so everyone should kill them!" She giggled. Trip wondered if Rozy being able to shoot properly was a good thing. She had been dangerous enough when she couldn't hit the side of a barn.

"That's great, Rozy. Has Cerrin written to you, or anything?"

"Uh, nope! But, but, I bumped into Terrence on the way here and he said he saw her in Taverly yesterday!" She whooped and ran off. "Hello, mommy! Hello, baby Ryan slash Susie!" She said as she went in the house. "Guess what I did!"

"Oh, I don't know." Mrs Wyver said as she closed the door. Trip felt relieved. Cerrin really liked Taverly, so she'd probably just gone there to relax. He ran home, passed his mom as she came downstairs, and ran up to his room, grabbing a few Law Runes out of his box.

"Mom! I'm going to Taverly for a while!"

"Be back before nine!" She shouted upstairs. "And wrap up warm!"

"I know!" He said, grabbing a scarf out of his wardrobe before teleporting away.

---

Well, the forecast actually had been right, Trip found out as he ran up the path from Falador to Taverly, slipping and sliding on the snowy ground. As soon as he'd left through the gates of Falador, a blizzard had started up. He finally reached the gate, staggered through, and headed for the nearest house, Serafew's house. He knocked on the door and was let in by a cheery and jovial looking Serafew.

"Ah, Miss Wyver's friend! If you've come to see her, she'll be back here shortly. She went to Falador to fetch me some potion ingredients." Trip smacked himself on the forehead. So, he could have stayed in Falador. Crap. "Here, have a nice, hot cup of tea, it's freezing out there. What's your name again, young man? I'm terrible with names."

"It's Trip. How long has Cerrin been here, Serafew?"

"Oh, about three months today." Trip dropped his cup in surprise, and it fell to the ground, shattered and spilled tea everywhere.

"Oh, no, I'm sorry!" Serafew laughed.

"Ha! I'd forgotten about you, the clumsy one who fell in a box of newts! Ha ha ha. Don't worry about it. I can clean it up." He swept all the broken pieces away while Trip sat in the chair, looking and feeling incredibly embarrassed. He'd been shocked to hear that Cerrin had been so near and se hadn't written to him. He'd received letters with postmarks from Edgeville, Miscellania, Entrana, and even Zanaris, but she'd been here for three months and not even a hello. The door swung open and a tall druidess stepped in, shaking the snow from her white veil. Trip gawked.

Cerrin was wearing a druidess' gown, carrying her Staff of Guthix in one hand, a prayer book in the other, a basket of herbs carried in the crook of one arm and a white veil on her head. This was not the surprising part, as Cerrin was known for wearing lots of different kinds of robes and she was an avid believer in the power of Guthix. No, the surprising part was the expression of happiness and serenity on her face.

"Serafew, I have your herbs here. Is there anything else I may do while I am here?" She smiled sweetly. Serafew came out of the kitchen.

"No, no, Miss Wyver. You've been such a big help to me." He took the basket of herbs off her and placed it on his table. "And, look, your friend has come to visit!" Cerrin turned to Trip and smiled so sweetly he wondered if she'd been taking Rozy's medication.

"Oh, Trip, it is so lovely to see you again! How have you been?"

"Um, fine?" He said. "So, how come you didn't write to me while you were here?"

"Oh, I am sorry. I have become a fully ordained druidess, and I have been so busy with my duties I have not had time to write nor visit. How is your schooling going? I trust you will be a wonderful healer when you are finished."

"Well I hope... so..." Trip was unsure what to say. "Um, Cerrin, are you alright? What about your quest to find out the mysteries of the Rune Altars? And, um, why are you being so... nice?" Cerrin sighed blithely.

"Oh, Trip, Runes are not important to me. All I wish for is to live a simple, humble life, with Guthix as my guide and to treat everyone as well as I wish them to treat me."

"Even n00bs? You burn them to death." Cerrin took a step back in shock.

"I would never do such a terrible thing! I am so shocked that you would think that! I am so, so, oh, please do not say that again!" She began to cry. Trip stared at her blankly, and then turned to Serafew, who shrugged.

"Well, she's been like this ever since she arrived here three months ago. I think she had a revelation. She's been doing wonders for the druid community and she's even helped us build an orphanage!" Serafew looked very happy. "But even I have to admit, it's very strange. Most people who have revelations don't change so utterly." Trip nodded and turned to Cerrin, who was crying softly onto her sleeve.

"Cerrin, I'm really sorry I said that. And I'm going to make sure I find out what's happened to you, ok?" Cerrin looked up and hugged him.

"Oh, thank you, Trip! Eve though I am not sure what you meant, I believe that you will do something wonderful!"

"Er, yeah."

---

"That's freaky weird, Tripper." Alex said as they all sat around a table in the Mithril Kettle, the safest pub in Falador, with the least number of bar fights per week. Trip had stopped overnight in Taverly and had walked back to Falador, only to run into everyone. Alec had a day off from his White Knight training and Timmus and Amelia happened to stop by on their return from their honeymoon in Karamja.

"Yep." Timmus grunted.

"I know, isn't it so odd?" Amelia said. She was currently hanging off Timmus' arm, who seemed to be paying her little attention besides when he handed her the basket of bread a few minutes ago. Trip sighed and stirred his milkshake with the straw.

"I mean, I get her wanting a bit more spirituality. She's told me before she'd like to get closer to her faith. But this, it's not getting closer to her faith, it's like someone's taken Cerrin's body and put someone's else's mind in it."

"Too bad they didn't put the mind of a sex-starved nympho in, huh?" Alex grinned. Trip glared at him. "Well, come on Tripper, if she's serious about being a druidess, you're not really ever gonna get any from her now, are you?"

"Alex, stop it. This is serious, and I'm really worried."

"Maybe she bumped her head and she's brain-damaged." Alex suggested. Trip sighed and buried his head in his hands.

"Maybe it's my fault. I always tried to get her to be less angry and a bit nicer."

"S'not your fault Trip." Timmus grunted, taking a bite of his steak. "People change when they love someone."

"Aw, he's so lovely, isn't he?" Amelia giggled.

"Ooh, get you, just because you're married now you think you're Mister Relationship Expert." Alex said. "Well, then, how the heck do I get Rozy to talk to me again?"

"Stop actin' like a jerk to her." Timmus muttered before shovelling his steak in his mouth whole. Amelia fawned over him and sighed happily. Trip wondered if she had been hit over the head.

"Well, odd as it seems, Tim's actually right. Maybe we do need to be a bit more sensitive to how our girlfriends- well, ex girlfriends, in Alex's case- really feel." Alex snorted and drank his coffee in silence for the rest of the evening.

---

After waving goodbye to Alex, Timmus and Amelia, Trip headed to the Post Office and sent a carrier pigeon with a letter to his mom. He was going back to Taverly, and he had the rest of the evening and all Sunday to try and figure out what was wrong with Cerrin. The snow that had fallen earlier was still crisp and white along the path to Taverly, and his footprints were the only ones headed up the path. He pulled open the gate, and wrapped his scarf tighter around his neck. It was really freezing.

"Oh, hello there Trip!" Cerrin smiled as he trudged in the house and wiped his feet on the mat. She had come out of the kitchen and was wearing a pink frilly apron. A pink frilly apron with hearts embroidered on it. "It is so lovely of you to visit again! Would you like some tea?"

"No, I'm fine. I think I actually need to go out again..." Trip really couldn't find anything else to say, so he left.

"Come back soon!" Cerrin smiled. "Ooh, now I have to do the laundry! Busy, busy, busy!"

---

Bunny sat at her supercomputer, typing furiously as Harry the sylph/ IT technician monitored the printouts. He rifled through the masses of paper, and quickly typed the analysis into his laptop.

"We've got the location of the anomaly. It was within a character, and that's why it's taken so long to track. Now, what do the readouts say?"

"The plot bug has latched onto one of the main characters. Cerrin Wyver." Harry looked up. "Now, that's going to screw things up, major style."

"I know. Quick, Katy, arrange me a warp speed transport to the circle outside Taverly. Everyone's coming. Even you Demon."

"Aw, do I have to?"

"It's your fault the bug got out in the first place, you pestilent moron!" She grabbed Harry's laptop and smacked Demon over the head with it.

"Hey, don't break it!"

---

Trip had been wandering around, trying to get his head straight. If anything, she seemed worse than before. He'd ended up wandering up to the stone circle dedicated to worshipping Guthix. He walked up the snowy slope, cleared a space on the stone altar of snow and sat down, nearly falling off and having to regain his balance. Well, it was nice and quiet here.

As Trip was sat on the altar, several cloaked figures were lurking in the shadows behind the stone pillars. Lurking in the shadows seemed to be a favourite pastime for evil guys. They moved silently in the darkness, before turning and looking to their leader, a guy in an even bigger black cloak. The nearest figure hissed to him;

"Now, Lord Darkvel?"

"Yes, now." He whispered. They leapt out from behind the pillars and charged at Trip.

---

Well, Trip got the shock of his life when several cloaked figures leapt out from behind the stone pillars and charged straight at him. He fell to the snowy ground and tried to run away, but it was more stumbling that running. One of them grabbed his arm and tried to drag him away, so he quickly cast an Earth Bolt at it. It let go quickly as the bolt sent it flying. Trip quickly looked around to see how many there were. It was too dark to count them, but there were loads.

He got an even bigger shock when a huge vehicle zoomed out of the sky. It looked like one of those mine cart-trains, but it was painted with bright colours, and the words 'Plothole Express' emblazoned in fiery writing on the side. It zoomed through the sky and landed in the middle of the stone circle with a horrendous crash, but none of the stones or the ground were damaged at all. All the cloaked figures quickly ran away and disappeared into the night. Trip stared at the strange train, and then the door opened with a hiss and smoke pouring out.

"Thank you for riding the Plothole Express!" Bunny bounced out, wearing a train conductor's uniform. "This is the last stop, Taverly Druid's Circle! Please dispose of your tickets in the bins provided, 'k?" She grinned. She snapped her fingers and her clothes changed back to her usual attire. "Hello, Trip! I guess you're wondering what's going on."

"Uh... huh..." He gawped at the train, from which several odd looking people were coming out of.

"Ok, everyone, this is Cerrin's boyfriend, Trip. Trip, this is Mishi, Jumbo, Harry, Katy and my stupid brother Demon. You got that? Ok, Jumbo, you wait here and guard the train, and Mishi, Harry, grab the box and bring it."

"Yeah." Trip had no idea what to say. Harry skipped over to Trip.

"Oh, this one's a total cutie. Want to come back to mine later?" He winked. Trip gawked.

"Uh, no thanks."

"Leave off, you pansy. Stop hitting on every guy in the cosmos and keep your mind on your job." Bunny smacked him around the head.

"Oh, stop cajoling me, you militant femi-nazi. I was just being nice." Harry sighed. "Honestly, if I didn't know better I'd say you were jealous that I can get guys and you can't."

"Shut your face, you stupid poof, and move your ass!" Bunny kicked him down the hill.

"You messed up my hair, you ugly bitch!" Harry yelled from the base of the hill. "Get down here and fight like a woman!"

"Keep your Prada on, I'm coming!" Bunny yelled, bouncing down to the base of the cliff.

"Oh, don't worry about those two. They're best friends, really." Plot Demon laughed. Bunny jumped back up dragging Harry by his feet.

"Well, I'll introduce everyone properly in a mo. Let's go and find Cerrin!"

"Wait, what about Cerrin?" Trip asked as Bunny was dragging him back to Taverly. "What's wrong with her? And what about those robed guys?"

"What robed guys? Well, I'll explain what's up with Cerrin. She's been bitten by a plot bug, deary. They infect characters and cause all sorts of problems. It seems an OOC plot bug- out of character, you see, has bitten Cerrin and she's pretty much gonna barking mad." Trip was shocked, but at least it explained her weird nature. "And as for robed guys, I guess it's a good thing we got here quickly. I have a feeling about those guys."

---

"Oh! Bunny! It is so lovely to see you. Would you like a cup of tea? Or some fairy cakes, they are so cute!" Cerrin smiled and giggled. She was still wearing her frilly apron, and she was dusting ornaments on the shelves and singing happily. "Sanfew has gone away for a few days, so if there is anything you need, just ask me!"

"My goddess, she's been lobotomised." Bunny gawked. "Right, Katy, hand me the scanner." The fairy reached into her satchel and handed her a small device. Bunny began scanning Cerrin, who stared at Trip blankly. Trip shrugged. "It's worse than I thought." Bunny sighed and shook her head.

"What? Am I ill or something?" Cerrin asked.

"That's probably the best way to put it. I'm sorry Trip, but she's been infected too long for me to fix it."

"Huh? How?" Trip asked.

"Well, normally we inject a reverser, which undoes the effect of the plot bug venom. But it's been circulating in her for three months now. It's attached itself to all of her cells and it's imprinted in her brain. The condition, I'm afraid, is terminal. The only way to reverse it now is for Cerrin to snap out of it and let her immune system destroy the venom. Once the mind has recovered, the venom has little power and will be destroyed easily."

"Ok, how do we snap her out of it?" Trip said as he watched Cerrin sweeping up and dancing around happily. "Because it's really freaking me out."

"Remember when the world turned around and everyone's personality was the total opposite? Well, it seems exposing someone to what the used to be like is the best way to reverse this condition." Bunny folded her arms and grinned evilly. "So, Trip, what does Cerrin like most in the world?"

"Runes and magic."

"Done!" Mishi and Harry carted a load of runes and potions into the room. "We got them, boss." Mishi grinned and winked at Trip, who nearly fainted. Bunny caught him and chucked blue powder over him.

"Yeah, she does that to people. You get used to it." Trip stood up, feeling a little groggy. Cerrin was rearranging the cushions on the sofa. Trip cleared his throat and motioned to Cerrin to come over. She trotted over and stood in front of him, smiling sweetly. Trip was a little taken aback, but carried on.

"Um, Cerrin, you're good with magic, and I need some help with my school work. Could you show me some spells?"

"Oh, no, I am terrible with magic. I can barely perform the simplest of spells."

"What about Herblore?"

"No, I am simply no good."

"Runecrafting?"

"No, no, no." She sighed. "All I am good at is cooking, cleaning and being happy!" She grabbed Trip's hands and looked at him. "Oh, Trip, you are so wonderful, really you are, and all I want is to be your faithful, loving housewife!" Trip had absolutely no idea how to reply to that.

"This is almost too painful to watch." Demon said, turning around.

"Oh, don't you chicken out! You let all the bugs free!"

"It was an accident, I swear!"

"It's always an accident, isn't it, you moron?" Bunny smacked him around the head and kicked him out of the door. He limped back in and closed the door. Trip looked over at the kafuffle for a second, and then turned back to Cerrin.

"Um, Cerrin, I don't think I want to marry you."

"Why? Am I not doing something right?"

"Well, I fell in love with the old Cerrin. The one that would snap at me, set fire to things, hit Alex, and didn't ever let what anyone else thought bother her. So, this new you is just... it's not right." He said, looking down at the floor. Cerrin let go of his hands and collapsed on the sofa crying. "Oh, great, now I've made her cry."

"This isn't working. I mean, it worked on the other guys." Bunny scratched her head and stared at the sobbing Cerrin. "Ansela only had to see a fur pelt to return to her old self. But we've stuffed this place full of runes, Herblore stuff and you, and she's still crazy." She sighed. "Well, I for one am completely stumped."

"Bunny! Bunny, Bunny, the scanner is picking up plot distortions outside!" Katy had been scanning the room for the past five minutes, and now was flapping around, panicking. Harry grabbed the scanner and pressed a few buttons.

"She's right, Bun, there's several distortions advancing on this house. They're closing in now!" Something slammed hard on the door, and Bunny formed a plothole, pulled out a large gun, and readied herself to fire. Mishi and Harry did the same, and Katy pulled out a magic wand. Cerrin looked up from crying on the sofa to see what the noise was. The door burst open in a shower of splinters and a tall, robed creature walked in, followed by a bunch of smaller but similar looking robed creatures.

"It's them!" Trip hissed. "Those are the guys who attacked me!"

"Well, well, I think I know who this is. It's the rogue Plothole Worker number 274, also known as Bob. So, when you disappeared you were actually recruiting more plot beings into your little army, were you?" 'Bob' answered in a horse, croaking voice;

"I am no longer Bob. I am now... Lord Darkvel!" he proclaimed.

"That's a crap name." Mishi muttered.

"And I though Slimebucket was bad." Harry whispered. Lord Darkvel ignored these cracks and ordered his army of weird cloaked people;

"Attack them! Grab the red haired woman and the blue haired kid!" He roared. Bunny jumped straight in front of Trip and readied her gun. She shot at one of the robed creatures, and it enclosed them in a kind of blue sticky goo. Mishi and Harry followed suit, and Katy flew around hitting them with her wand, which sent them back to the train where Jumbo bundled them into cells. Trip grabbed Cerrin's hand and tried to pull her of the sofa.

"Come on, Cerrin, we have to get out of here."

"I thought you did not love me." She wailed.

"I do love you, and that's why we have to get out of here! It's dangerous and I don't want you to get hurt." Cerrin sobbed quietly and got up off the sofa. They ran through the kitchen and out the back door, and straight into a bunch of dark robed people that had obviously been sent to block the exit. "New plan. Back into the house!" Trip yelled, but before they could even turn around the people surrounded them.

"Oh no, what do we do?" Cerrin wailed. "I am helpless!" Trip cast a Fire Bolt at one of the robed figures, who shrieked in pain before recovering and tackling Trip to the ground. Trip groaned in discomfort as his face was smashed into cold, snowy mud. He spat out the mud and coughed. "Oh, no, Trip, what do I do?"

"Cast a spell! You can do it, you can -ugh!" The person who was holding him down pushed his face back into the mud. Cerrin wailed as the people advanced on her. They began casting spells and one of them tossed a Fire Bolt at Cerrin. She dodged out of the way, but her hair wasn't so lucky. She dived to the ground, her hair flowing to the side and the bolt burned off a large chunk of her hair, leaving her with one side a shoulder length and the other going past her waist. She sat in the mud, too shocked to move.

"My hair." She mumbled.

"Cerrin?" Trip looked over at her. "Are you ok?"

"My hair. They burned my hair." She stood up, her fists shaking. "YOU BURNED MY HAIR, NOW DIE YOU FUCKING BASTARDS!" She screamed, throwing Fire Blasts in every direction, hitting the robed people and sending them flying about twenty feet. She punched the nearest one in the stomach and threw an Earth Blast in their face. The people ran away, screaming in terror. She stormed over to the one holding Trip, who was backing away, holding Trip as a human shield. "Let go of him or I will kill you." She growled, readying a Fire Blast, The person dropped Trip in the mud and ran away, screaming, before being trapped in a blue bubble and sent away to the train by Katy. Mishi and Harry ran out through the back exit and picked off any still within range. Bunny popped out of a plothole in the ground.

"Well, Bob, or Lord Darkvel, disappeared into a plothole and cut his signature off. I can't track him." She sighed in exasperation. "What the hell happened here?" She said, looking at the burned and charred ground. She looked at Cerrin, who was kicking the corpse of one of the people she'd burned to death. "You're back to normal!"

"I KNOW!" She yelled. "I was acting like a stupid, simpering little wimp, but I was conscious of it the whole fucking time! But I could not stop myself from acting like that! It was horrible!" She screeched, casting another Fire Blast on the corpse, charring it further. "Oh, my Guthix." She muttered.

"Cerrin!" Trip got up off the ground and ran over to her. He fell over and landed in the mud at her feet. He got up and hugged her, covering her in mud. "I missed you! And I'm so, so glad you're back to normal."

"You have not changed. Get off me, you idiot, you are getting mud all over my robes!" She tried to wrench his arms off from around her, but there was no moving him. She sighed and wiped the mud off his face with her sleeves. "I would have written you if I had not been under that spell, or whatever it was, you know that, right?"

"Uh huh." He leant up and looked at her. "You look beautiful."

"My hair is ruined and I am covered in mud. How the hell is that considered 'beautiful'?"

"You always look beautiful. You're Cerrin." She smiled softly and they kissed, snuggling close in the cold winter air.

---

"Mm, they've been kissing out there for a while. Should we tell them to come in?" Harry asked. He and Mishi were looking out of the kitchen window.

"Oh, no, leave them. I think it's sweet." Mishi giggled. "They make such a sweet couple, don't you think?"

"You'd know, you're a Venusian. Ah, why are all the nice guys straight?" Harry sighed. Bunny and Demon cam back into the house.

"Well, we've got twenty eight captured and five dead, thanks to Cerrin and her spellage there. They're just plothole maintenance workers and production line workers roped into Bob's plan, mostly. Are they still smooching out there?"

"Yes." Katy flew in. "Are we going to sort out this mess? We have several plotholing appointments scheduled, and if we don't move now we'll miss the first one."

"Keep your wings on sweetie, I'll fix it." Bunny snapped her fingers and everything was fixed and back where it was supposed to be. "Hurry up, Demon, we're going!" Demon followed them as they walked out of the house. He was playing on his PSP as he walked along. Bunny snatched it off him and tossed it down a plothole. "I said no videogames on a mission!"

"But I was on the last level!" Bunny glared at him. "Sorry sis."

"Hey!" Bunny yelled. "Lovebirds!" Trip and Cerrin looked over at her. Cerrin looked supremely pissed off at her. "Oh, don't give me that look. Anyway, we have to leave now. Be careful, I think those guys were after you so they could get to me."

"What do you mean?" Trip asked.

"Well, you're main characters."

"Characters? Of what?" Cerrin glared at her. "What are you talking about now?"

"Never mind. Just keep an eye out and look after each other. And make sure you find your other friends as soon as possible. The Plothole Express train thundered in front of Bunny, with Jumbo at the wheel.

"All aboard!" He shouted, and they all hopped on. It began to move and flew up into the sky, where it disappeared into a plothole. Cerrin and Trip sighed and hugged each other tightly. A loud squelch resounded. They both laughed. This day, well the last few months, had been weird to say the least.

---

As soon as school ended, Trip teleported home and ran straight down to Cerrin's house. Yesterday she'd gone o the hairdresser's to get her hair fixed, and she'd been taking her research home, so he'd hardly seen her. He knocked on the door and Mr Wyver opened it, leapt out and skipped around the porch, yelling;

"It's a boy! It's a boy! Finally, I can play football with one of my kids without getting hit by magic or shot at!" He whooped. "Hello, Trip, you want to see the new addition to the Wyver family? He's the cutest son ever! I have a son, I have a son, whooo, whooo..." Trip tried not to laugh and went inside the house. In the living room, everyone was standing around the crib in the middle, cooing over the new baby. Mrs Wyver was lying on the sofa, looking exhausted. Cerrin and Rozy were both leaning over the crib, cooing and pulling faces. Cerrin's hair had been cut into a short bob. It actually really suited her.

"Hey, Trip, come see baby Ryan!" Rozy giggled. "He's sooo KAWAII!" Trip leant over the crib. Baby Ryan was dressed in a blue romper suit, wearing a little blue hat and surrounded by cuddly toys, courtesy of Rozy.

"Ah, I remember when you were that tiny." Mrs Tiptree came out of the kitchen with a cup of tea, which she handed to Mrs Wyver. She gulped it down with relief. "He was born yesterday. Oh, isn't he sweet?"

"You say that now, but they grow up to be right little shits." Mrs Wyver muttered, drinking her tea.

"Are Grandma and Grandpa coming to visit?" Rozy asked.

"Your grandfather is skiing in Trollweiss with his fifth wife." Mrs Wyver slammed her empty cup on the coffee table. "But unfortunately my mother is coming to visit and see her grandson. Oh, joy, joy, fucking buckets of joy." She groaned. "I need a break. I've only just got rid of my first two kids and now I have another."

"I'll be happy to baby-sit whenever you want, Julie." Mrs Tiptree said, taking the cup away.

"Oh, would you Sarah? Start now, I'm going to bed. Tell Andrew he's sleeping on the couch BECAUSE I HATE HIM!" She groaned, getting up and hobbling upstairs. Mrs Tiptree giggled quietly. Cerrin sighed walked over to Trip, while Rozy remained cooing over little baby Ryan, who was looking around his environment blankly.

"So, how was school? No one bullies you, right?"

"They're too scared of my mom to pick on me." He said, laughing as he recalled the way she'd elbow dropped that bully. "And all my teachers are pretty cool, too. Professor Holborn likes to do loads of practical experiments, and they're loads of fun."

"Ah, Professor Holborn. I had him for Advanced Magic. He is quite eccentric, is he not?"

"Yeah, he is. Your hair looks nice." Cerrin flicked a strand of hair away from her face.

"Thanks. If you say it, I know you mean it." She smiled. "So, where do we go from here? I am going to be in Lumbridge for a while, as I have to write up my research. And mom is going to ratty, so me and Rozy are going to have to look after the baby as well to keep her from going ballistic. So, while I am here, and when you have some time off school, would you like to go out somewhere?"

"Um, you mean like, on a date or something?"

"If you want to put it that way."

"Yes! I do, I mean I would like to do that!" He yelled happily, and then smacked his hands over his mouth. "Sorry." He whispered, remembering that there was a newborn in the room. Ryan hadn't really paid much attention to Trip; he was more interested in wiggling his feet.

"Do not worry. Ryan will have to get used to loud noises if he lives in this house. Believe me."

---

A year and six months later, on a warm, sunny August day, they were all sat watching some random guy rabbit on about values and standards. So much had happened since last year, Cerrin's head was pretty much in a whirl. Timmus was going to be the next king of Kandarin. Alex and Rozy had made up and were back together (neither of them could remember what they had split up over in the first place). Cerrin was uneasy about that, but Rozy was seventeen now so there was nothing she could do about it. Alex had also graduated from the White Knight's Academy, much to everyone's surprise, but he had declined joining the White Knights. Instead he would be a travelling 'chivalrous lone knight'. In other words, he'd try using his knighthood to pick up girls. But the biggest surprise was Ansela. Ansela, Ansela, damn that Ansela. Well, she'd nearly given everyone a heart attack when she'd turned up at Cerrin's house, with an annoyed looking Wally in tow, saying she'd only pretended to be dead and that she was being chased by ninjas. Timmus had cried with joy for a whole hour, and Wally's parents had come down from Ardounge, overjoyed. Hench had even agreed to stop badgering Ansela provided she stopped stealing from the stalls in Ardounge Marketplace. She had stopped stealing from them- but not when Hench wasn't looking. He'd also come to Trip's graduation, as Mr Tiptree was working late at the office again.

"This is boring, huh?" Ansela smirked. She was sitting next to Cerrin.

"Just be patient a little longer." Cerrin said. The valedictorian finished his speech to a round of applause, and the headmaster stepped up to the podium.

"Graduating students of Varrock High, I congratulate you. Over the past two years, you've done so well in your chosen fields and may you all find success in your futures." He pulled out a scroll, unravelled it and began to read off the names. "Adam Adamson!" The students began milling across as their names were read out, collecting their diplomas to much applause from the audience.

"How long till Tripper gets his?" Alex asked.

"Well, they do it in alphabetical order, so it will be quite a while." Cerrin replied.

"A, B, C, D, E, F, Q, I, T." Timmus grunted. "S'not long. They all laughed quietly.

"Well, you got the first six letters right." Ansela patted him on the head. "You'd better re-read Learn the Alphabet with Elmo, your majesty."

"What was he studying? I asked him, but he didn't say." Hench asked.

"Healing Studies. He is going to be a healer." Cerrin smiled at Hench. "Let us just say it was an inspired decision." Hench smiled back.

"Trip Tiptree!" The headmaster called out. Trip walked up to the podium, accepted his diploma and shook the headmaster's hand giddily. As he left the stage he tripped on the hem of his gown and tumbled down the steps. Everyone laughed.

"I'm ok!" He jumped up, took a bow and walked over to join the rest of the graduating students who had already gotten their diplomas. Everyone applauded loudly.

"He's a good sport." Hench laughed.

"Yeah, if that had been me, I'd have died of shame." Alex said.

"Good, then we would not have to put up with you any more." Cerrin kicked Alex in the shin. Mrs Tiptree waved at Trip excitedly.

"That's my baby! That's my clever baby that just fell off the stage! Go Trip!"

"Gimme a T! Gimme an R! Gimme an I! Gimme a P! Trip, Trip, go go Trip!" Rozy was wearing a cheerleader's outfit and bouncing on her chair, waving her pompoms around as Alex tried to look up her skirt.

"Well, if he was not embarrassed then, he will be now." Cerrin muttered.

---

"Well, smarty-pants, how do you feel now you've left school? Gonna use your braininess to pick up chicks?" Alex asked as they all walked away from the school and down the streets of Varrock.

"Alex, you know Cerrin's my girlfriend."

"So? I got Rozy, and that doesn't stop me from picking up girls."

"Nope, it's your personality and your ugly face that stops you." Ansela giggled. Alex glared at her then turned back to Rozy, who hadn't heard a word he'd said.

"I am proud of you, Trip. Where are you going to go to become a fully fledged healer?"

"Well, Edgeville Monastery is giving healing apprenticeships. Since I have a diploma and I've already learned some healing spells, I'm eligible, and I sent a letter to them yesterday."

"Can you heal this bump on my head?" Alex asked, pointing to where Cerrin had smacked him with her staff earlier.

"No."

"You can't?"

"I don't want to." Trip laughed. "Hey, what's that?"

"What's what?" Everyone asked. Trip pointed up the road, where someone was lurching down the road from the wilderness.

"A failed PKer, big deal." Ansela said. "Let's ignore him and go get some grub to celebrate.

"Yay!" Rozy giggled, waving her pompoms in the air. "Ice cream! Ice cream, please!"

"He looks familiar." Hench said. Cerrin looked at the man staggering down the road. He reached his hand out before collapsing on the ground. He had red hair and was wearing Adamantite armour.

"That is... Terrence?" Cerrin gasped. Everyone rushed over to him. He had bruises and cuts all over, and he looked exhausted, like he'd been walking for days. Trip rolled up his sleeves and began to heal, focusing his magic energy onto Terrence's wounds.

"Terrence is a very competent fighter, so whoever did this-"

"Is very powerful!" Bunny jumped out of a plothole that had suddenly formed in the ground. "Want to know who's behind it?"

"Let me guess. It's that freaky Lord Darkvel guy." Ansela said. Bunny nodded. "Thought so!" As Trip was trying to heal Terrence, Terrence woke up, grabbed Trip's hand and croaked out a few words before he collapsed again.

"Darkvel... got... Jane..."

---


	4. Omake Theatre 1

Five Friends, a Blonde and the Mystic Wind Princess Omake Theatre

Randomness. I'm writing all three of the next chapters simultaneously. At this rate I may end up squashing Rozy's and Alex's together, as they're quite similar. I like to write random crap to blow off steam.

Omake Theatre 1- Growing Pains.

---

_-chik-chik-_

---

"Can you say 'runes'? Or, can you say 'magic'?" Cerrin said, waving a book in front of her baby brother.

"Goo ba ba." Ryan Wyver gurgled. Yes, they were all trying to get little baby Ryan to speak, with varying degrees of success, but so far he hadn't said a word. Well, a real word.

"Say 'I'm going to be football player'!" Mr Wyver waved a football in front of Ryan. Ryan grabbed the football and chewed on it happily. "Aw..."

"Say 'bunny'! Bunny bunny bunny!" Rozy giggled. Ryan stared at her blankly, and tossed the football away. Mr Wyver picked it up.

"Ew, baby drool."

"Hmm. Well, I know he is not eighteen months old yet, but surely there should be a little more development that this."

"Well, I know you started talking at fourteen months, but Rozy didn't start talking till two years." Mr Wyver said as he wiped Ryan's spit off the football. "Aw, Cer, you won't remember, but your first word was 'daddy'. Oh, you were so cute."

"Do not embarrass me, daddy."

"My first word was bunny!" Rozy giggled. It probably was.

"And they haven't stopped talking since. Don't rush him." Mrs Wyver muttered as she sat on the sofa, knitting another hat for Ryan. He grew out of stuff really quickly, and everyone reckoned he'd be tall when he grew up.

"Ma..." Ryan gurgled and Mrs Wyver looked up from her knitting.

"I think he's going to say mama!" She squealed happily, dropped her knitting and picked Ryan up. "Go on, say mama! Mama!" She was smiling so widely it looked like her face would crack from the strain.

"Ma... da... daddy." Mrs Wyver's face sprung back into a gurning frown.

"No! Mama! Or Mommy!"

"Daddy!"

"Mommy!"

"Daddy!"

"Mommy!"

"Daddy! Daddy Daddy!" Ryan gurgled happily and bounced up and down in Mrs Wyver's arms. She handed Ryan to Mr Wyver, kicked her knitting off the sofa and collapsed on it, crying.

"That's my clever boy! Now, say 'football'! Say 'I'm going to be a football player'!"

---

**-goooonnnnng-**

---

Omake Theatre 2- Misadventures Stand-Up

---

_-chik-chik-_

---

Alex: A hooded creature went into a store and asked the guy working at the counter; "Can I have a worm burger and a large tankard of ale, please?" The guy replied "You must be a goblin."

Obviously, the creature was annoyed by this. "That's such a stereotypical remark. If I came in here and asked 'Can I have a raw steak' would you ask me if I were a barbarian?"

"No." The guy replied.

"If I came in here and asked for

"No."

"If I asked for battered squid, would you ask me if I were a Mogre?"

"No."

"And if I asked for some MRE's, would you assume I was a soldier?"

"No."

"Then why the heck are you assuming I'm a goblin?"

"Because this is a hardware store."

_-badum-tish!-_

Alex: Thank you, thank you, I'm here till Thursday. How many half-demons does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they'll just sit in the dark and brood. How may witches does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they'll just set fire to something instead. Now, did you hear the one about the thief with the D cups-erk! (Alex is yanked off stage and pummelled to within an inch of his life. Ansela, Shade and Cerrin step on and take the microphone.)

Cerrin: How many men does it take to change a lightbulb? Ten, one to screw it in and nine to boast about the screwing.

_-badum-tish!-_

Ansela: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? No one knows, it's never happened.

_-badum-tish!-_

Shade: What do you get when you cross a demon and a kitten? Ansela's damn cat. (Fiona is chewing on his trouser leg)

_-badum-tish!-_

Ansela: Rozy walks into a bar. She says 'Ouch'!

_-badum-tish!-_

Cerrin: A monk, a dark wizard and a druidess come to a fast flowing, wide river. The monk prays to Saradomin for the strength to cross the river. Saradomin grants him great strength and he swims across the river. The dark wizard prays to Zamorak for the power to cross the river. Zamorak grants him magic powers and he levitates over. The druidess uses the bridge.

_-badum-tish!-_

Ansela: We'll be here all week, folks!

---

**-goooonnnnng-**


	5. The Pink Knight

Five Friends, A Blonde and The Mystic Wind Princess

SerraBradhadair: Welcome! This week, our victim, I mean, guest, will be Salazar Slimebucket, who's come out of prison for the day just to see us!

Slimebucket: Freedom! Freedom, freedom, oh sweet, fleeting freedom!

SerraBradhadair: Jumbo, get him on that wheel!

Slimebucket: No! You said we were going to Disneyland!

SerraBradhadair: Strap him in quickly!

Jumbo: Yup. (drags the screaming Slimebucket onto the wheel and straps him in. Mishi brings in the tray of knives.)

Slimebucket: Who? Who nominated me?

Sniffly: I did! For all those cracks about how short I was and how useless I was! And now, I've discovered anti-histamines and my allergies don't bother me any more! Now, people will start using my real name!

Slimebucket: What **is** your real name?

Sniffly: (proudly) Sidney von Snortington!

SerraBradhadair: Okay! Jumbo, spin the wheel! Sidney, throw your knife!

Jumbo: (spins wheel)

Sidney: Yah! (tosses knife)

SerraBradhadair: All together now: Round and round and round it goes, where it stops, no one knows! And it's stopped, and the knife is on Rozy and Alex. Another joint chapter, featuring Misadventures' second oddest couple.

Slimebucket: Take me back to jail! Take me back, PLEASE!

SerraBradhadair: And our question master this week, well we're all very honoured that he's come in to answer all of our questions, because everyone else is apparently too busy. Please, give a hand for the almighty, all seeing, all knowing, all singing, all dancing great god Guthix! Applause, everyone!

Everyone: (manic applause)

Guthix: I thanketh thee very much. Thou must remembereth though that I am a very busy deity, so I must make haste with thy quiz.

SerraBradhadair: Of course, your godliness. First question: _Why did Amelia marry Timmus? Or, what does she see in Timmus?_

Guthix: Love is wondrous, and verily it is a complex and mystical phenomenon. Perhaps Amelia can see the good qualities that lie beneath Timmus' oafish and odorous demeanour.

SerraBradhadair: Uh, I think that means she likes him for what he is under everything. Or something. Anyway, next question: _Why is Cerrin such a bitch?_

Guthix: I do not knoweth of any particular reason that would make Miss Cerridwyn Wyver behave in such a manner, but if I were to suggest a reason, I would sayeth that verily, she taketh after her mother.

SerraBradhadair: Makes sense. Next question: _Did you base the characters' personalities off their star signs, cause I saw that Cerrin was a Scorpio and they're supposed to be mean, and Trip is a Cancer and they're supposed to be nice, and so on. _Uh, no, I decided their birthdays after I made the characters.

Guthix: Astrology beeth complete twaddle. Thy innate characteristics are not decided by the positioning of the stars in the heavens, but are rather a result of thy upbringing. I should know, I created everything.

SerraBradhadair: And one last question before you goeth- I mean, go, your godliness. _ What happened to Fiona? _(Ansela's kitten)

Guthix: I am sure she is safe. I say this because I haveth no idea where she beeth.

SerraBradhadair: Mrs Tiptree looked after her for a while, but she ran away one day. She'll be back I the story soon. Well, we know next chapter will be Timmus, but we're going to put someone on the wheel next chapter anyway. Just for fun. Ha ha. Hahaha! (thunder, lightning, darkness) MUAHAHAHAHAAA!

Guthix: Dost thou associate with my evil brother? I am reminded of him.

SerraBradhadair: Nah, Zammy's too cranky. Next week's question answerer is the one and only Patrick Hench.

Hench: Why?

SerraBradhadair: Because I said so, fucker!

Chapter 3: The Pink Knight

"So, if I just use this, I can get the answers?" Alex said, holding up the tiny communicator crystal. "And I just put it in my ear?" Him, Cerrin and Trip were sitting in the courtyard of the White Knights' castle, hiding behind some steps. They'd moved some boxes to cover their position from anyone walking in the courtyard. Cerrin was rifling through a bunch of papers, and she and Trip were both looking through a bunch of books.

"Yes, and make sure to cover your ear with your hair. Now, I have a copy of the exam paper, and when the test begins I will start telling you the answers very quietly. We shall take it a steady pace and not finish the paper too quickly. You do not want them to be suspicious."

"Especially because you failed all your past attempts." Trip said.

"He is right. Maybe we should get some of the questions wrong on purpose."

"Hey, you aren't gonna screw up my chances, are you?"

"Of course not! I promised you and Trip I would get you into the academy, and I shall do that." Cerrin looked through the paper. "And do not even think of changing any of my answers. By Guthix, this is easy. They must have dumbed down the tests when they became short of recruits. How did you fail the tests in the first place?"

"Uh, I didn't study." Cerrin and Trip rolled their eyes. Cerrin grabbed her communicator crystal, and started noting down the answers as Alex made his way into the academy, putting the small crystal inside his ear before joining the line. Cerrin and Trip waited until the throng of hopeful students had trotted in, and then they giggled quietly to themselves. Cerrin shoved the crystal into her bag.

"This was a great idea. If Alex gets into the academy, we will not have to see him again for at least two years." Cerrin smiled and leant towards Trip. "Do I have the best ideas or what?"

"You're the best. Two years without Alex bothering us and you didn't try to kill him."

"Two years without perverted comments."

"Two years without him coming round to my house and eating all the cookies."

"Two years without him interrupting us and making stupid comments every time we try to do this." Cerrin pulled Trip towards her and kissed him. He snuggled closer and wrapped his arms around her waist. The bell to signal the start of the exam rang, and Cerrin sighed. "Well, no more interruptions after this one." She smiled, and pulled the communicator crystal out of her bag. Trip smiled back and handed her the answers she'd written down. "Alright, Alex, question one, the rebellion of the Black Knights began in..."

---

"They'll be announcing the results in a minute. How many questions did you give him the answers to?" Trip whispered as the bell rang again and Cerrin put the crystal back in her bag.

"I gave him the answers to enough to get more than seventy percent, the pass rate. I also tried to dumb them down a little. It really is hard to lower my intellect down to Alex's level, but I think I did it well."

"You're a genius even when you're trying to be dumb." Trip laughed.

"I know." Cerrin smiled. "So, it will be another ten minutes before they let them out, and another hour to grade the papers. So, what can we do in that time?"

"Um, go get lunch?"

"Oh, alright." Cerrin sighed and collected up all her papers.

---

"So, Rozy, I'm going to stay here in Falador until I finish White Knight school. Will you miss me?" They were stood outside the main shop in Falador, while Cerrin was waiting behind the other wall, ready to teleport them home (and to zap Alex if he got too touchy-feely with Rozy).

"Uh huh! But you won't have to miss me!" She pulled a stuffed bunny toy out of her bag and shoved it into Alex's arms. "Keep Fluffy Bunny close and think of me!" She giggled. Alex stared at the plushie.

"Yeah, I'll... do that. So, I'll be seeing you. Maybe I'll come to Lumbridge at the weekend and we can get up to..." He noticed Cerrin leaning around the wall and making a fireball in her hand. "Hanging out with the rest of the guys?" Cerrin nodded.

"That sounds fun! Bye bye Alex, Cerrin's taking me home, so I'll see you on Saturday! And bye bye to Bunny too, oh sooo kawaii, wheeee! I love you!" She giggled, skipping over to Cerrin, while Alex took in the view of her short skirt flapping up and down.

"I love yah too, sweetie." He grinned. Cerrin conjured another fireball and he quickly turned away. The two sisters disappeared in a flash of purple light, and he stared at the plush bunny Rozy had given him. It had 'Wuv you forever' written on its stomach. "Gees, she's sure keen."

---

Alex had never actually gotten into the Academy before, having failed all the entrance tests. He had assumed that after the arduous written tests, it would be relatively easy to pass all the other tasks a White Knight would have to perform. The training exercises couldn't be **that **hard, surely.

Oh by Saradomin, how wrong he had been.

"How... can I... hurt so... much... and not... be... dead?" He croaked, lying on the hard, dusty ground, collapsed from exhaustion after being made to do the assault course three extra times after telling the training instructor she had 'nice cans'.

"Don't sass me again, Ilidan, or you'll be doing shuttle runs every morning at dawn for the rest of your stay here!" The instructor roared and blew her whistle. The rest of the group walked off, exhausted, and Alex slowly climbed up and walked off, ouch-ing all the way back to the shared dorms.

"Hey." He said to one of the other guys sharing his dorm. "Why's the training instructor so militant?"

"Well, she's the first woman teacher here, so she's trying to prove she's as tough as the men. Shame, she'd be hot if she weren't trying to be so butch."

"Man, the only reason I came here was to get girls. I never wanted to do all this."

"Same here. I'm Alan Oladon, by the way." He offered his hand, and Alex shook it.

"Alex Ilidan. So, have you gotten any girls since being here?"

"Yeah!" Alan looked pleased with himself. "The armour is a real chick magnet. Just concoct a few tales of bravery and daring, and they're putty in your hands."

"Thanks mate!"

"No problem."

---

"It's Saturday, yay!" Rozy squealed, bouncing down the stairs happily, much to the annoyance of the rest of her family. Mrs Wyver groaned and drank her coffee in silence as usual. Mr Wyver carried on reading his paper and Cerrin just carried on eating her muesli and yoghurt, trying her best to ignore her younger sister's frenzied whooping as much as humanly possible. Rozy skipped into the kitchen, amazingly cheery for so early in the morning. Well, she was Rozy after all. "So Alex is coming back today!"

"Oh, great joy." Cerrin muttered sarcastically. "Luckily, I am leaving today, so I will probably not see him. Now **that** is a great joy."

"Aw, Cerrin you're so funny!" Rozy giggled. "I wonder what time he's coming? Maybe I should go see Timmus, I mean he was in Falador yesterday and I bet he saw Alex."

"Do whatever you want, just don't bother me too much." Mrs Wyver poured herself another cup of coffee.

"And take care crossing the road, sweetie." Mr Wyver said as Rozy happily skipped out of the house, singing one of her annoying songs about bunnies. Cerrin sighed.

"Daddy, hand me the newspaper."

"I want the cartoons." He said as Cerrin turned to the current events. She dropped the paper.

"Something wrong, sweetie?"

"No, just a really big shock." She said, picking the paper up and looking at the headline 'Princess Amelia to Marry Rich Barbarian'.

---

"He said he ain't coming back." Timmus grunted ineffectually. "Said he's busy."

"Busy doing what?" Rozy asked. Timmus shrugged and continued chopping logs. He'd been woodcutting for about an hour and there was a huge pile of roughly chopped wood next to him.

"I dunno, but I'm busy now getting oak wood fer 'Melia's wedding horse drawn... thing."

"Carriage?"

"Yeah, that. See ya." He shrugged and continued chopping.

---

Cerrin and Trip were stood outside Trip's house, saying their goodbyes before Cerrin left on her journey.

"We finally get rid of Alex, and then you go off for months. You're so mean." Trip sighed, hugging her tightly.

"Ah, well, I will only be away for a few months. Now, let go off me, so I can leave."

"Well if I don't let go of you, you can't leave."

"As lovely as that sounds, I bet I can get you to let go of me." She said, leaning down and kissing him. Well, it took a lot of Trip's willpower not to move his arms from around her shoulders and put them elsewhere.

"Whatcha doing?" Rozy said as she skipped up the path and tapped Cerrin on the shoulder. "Oh, I see!"

"Well look, another annoying little distraction." Cerrin snorted and ruffled Trip's hair. "What do you want, Rozy?"

"I went to talk to Timmus, and he said Alex said that he wasn't coming back today. Why wouldn't Alex want to come here today?"

"Maybe he found the one girl in the world aside from you who would get off with him." Cerrin said, grabbing Trip's wrists and wrenching him off of her.

"Could you take me to Falador? I wanna surprise Alex!"

"Fine, fine. Trip, I will see you in a few months." She said, before teleporting her and Rozy to Falador. Trip sighed and teleported himself off to Falador, just to try and make sure Cerrin didn't murder Alex.

---

"Now we are here, let us find Alex quickly so I can get on my way." Cerrin sighed. Rozy skipped off up the path to the White Knights' castle, looking around for any sign of Alex. She heard him talking and laughing, and ran into the courtyard, followed by Cerrin who was going to pummel the snot out of Alex for standing Rozy up, and Trip who was just sort of tagging along, out of sight. Rozy skipped into the main courtyard, where Alex was sitting on the steps leading up to the castle, surrounded by a bunch of giggling girls.

"Tell us more about the dragon!"

"Well, it was deep within the volcano of Karamja. I had gone in, in search of the dragon that had dared to threaten my friends, and lo and behold, it was a huge, level 79 green dragon. But, it was no problem for me! I just drew my sword, and yelled; 'Yield, foul dragon'! But it did not, so I struck it with my sword until it was slain!"

"I though Cerrin and Ansela killed the dragon?" Rozy said, standing in front of Alex. "Yeah, Cerrin hit it with spells and Ansela threw knives at it until it died! You forgot that, you silly billy!" She giggled.

"Rozy! Uh, what the hell are you doing here?"

"I thought you said you'd see me today? Did you forget?"

"Alex, who's this twinkie?" One of the girls sitting around him asked indignantly.

"Yeah, who the hell is she?" Another one asked.

"I'm his girlfriend!" Rozy giggled. All the girls stared at Alex.

"She's not really. She's just the sister of my friend's girlfriend, and she's a little bit... retarded. She takes lots of medication and stuff."

"Ooh, so she's a nutcase!" The first girl giggled, and the rest of them joined in, giggling in unison. Rozy looked around at the giggling girls, puzzled.

"Alex, what's going on? Why are you being so mean to me?"

"Come on, Rozy, we both know it was never that serious between us. You're just not the sort of girl I like. Come on, you act like a five year old. The only think you got going for you is your rack, and that's kinda flat." Rozy looked down at her chest. She had wondered why Alex had kept making jokes about training bras whenever she'd worn a tight top, and now she'd figured it out.

"Not like me, huh?" The first girl giggled, pushing her arms together and emphasising her large chest. Rozy began to sniffle and cry. "Aw, look at the big blubbering baby! Ain't she just the darndest thing?"

"Uh, yeah, come back when you're out of diapers, Rozy." Alex said, and all the girls giggled in unison again.

"Now, no need to cry, I'm sure there's a boy at the local preschool who'll want to play tea parties with you!" One of the girls yelled, laughing, before a Wind Blast sent her flying into a pile of boxes. All the girls ran away screaming as Cerrin stormed into the courtyard, firing magic blasts at them and hitting each one as they tried to flee. Alex stayed sat still on the steps, paralysed with fear.

"Oh, Alex, you have just made the biggest mistake of your life. Getting off with my sister, fine as long as she is happy. But now, you have made her cry, and it is time for me to make YOU CRY! YOU CHEATING LITTLE FUCKER!"

"Don't kill him Cerrin!" Trip yelled.

"I will not kill him, I am just going to torture him until he begs for the sweet release of DEATH!" She yelled, firing spells at Alex, who ran around the courtyard trying to dodge as many as he could. Rozy ran crying over to Trip, who hugged her and patted her head, trying to calm her down. Cerrin charged at Alex, who ran off without looking and ended up trapped in a corner.

"Uh, now I think there's been a misunderstanding here, Cerrin. Let's talk it over." Alex backed away, nervously. "Uh, well, let me explain NO AGH OW OWWW OH SARADOMIN NO ARGH MY SPINE AAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

---

"Sorry to impose on you, ma'am, but I know the University has one of the best hospitals, and well I didn't have the runes to get to Varrock." Trip said. After Cerrin had finished mangling Alex, he'd teleported back to Lumbridge and taken Alex to the University of Bitchcraft and Bitchery. Due to the amount of accidents and assaults at the university, they had to have a fully equipped mini-hospital with trained doctors, nurses and healers on at all times. Looking around the room, Trip noticed that there was a girl with several fingers missing and another girl with large purple boils all over her face.

"Well, I haven't seen injuries like this on a person since Cerrin Wyver left." The head healer and matron, Nurse Nightshade sighed as she began treating Alex's wounds. "The way these bones have been twisted and snapped, Cerrin used to break people's arms that way all right, and these burn marks are distinctively Cerrin's handiwork. And his face is barely recognisable under these bruises. Look, you can see the fist marks clearly."

"How long will he have to be in here?" Trip asked.

"Well, I can call a couple of healers in here and they'll be able to fix him up for Monday, so he can return to school."

"I didn't know you could heal these kind of injuries that quickly."

"Well, it takes talent. You did a fine job yourself of stopping the bleeding, considering you've only been learning it for a week." She said, noting the healed knife wounds Cerrin had inflicted. "Too bad you're a boy, otherwise you'd be a good candidate for a healing degree."

"Uh, thanks." He said, looking at Alex.

"Now, in shift now, we have Nurse Katie, healers Cassie and Polly, they're twins, both so talented. And the student volunteer, Meryl." Trip's face turned white. It couldn't be... well, he hoped not.

"Achtung! Alexy baby, who did dis to du?" Meryl wailed, storming into the room and standing next his bed. "As soon as I heard der news dat a green-haired man had been admitted, I put meine name on der volunteer register and I svear dat I vill nurse you back to health, meine darling!" She wailed. Alex let out a sound that sounded like 'Oh, hell no'.

---

"Uwaaaaaaah! Alex is a jerk! Waaaahaaaahaaah waaaah! I hate him! Waaaaaagh!" Rozy wailed, clinging to Cerrin and hugging her so tightly, Cerrin looked like she was going blue. Cerrin wrenched Rozy's arms off her and sat Rozy down on her bed.

"Rozy, I hate to say I told you so, but I DID TELL YOU SO! How many times have I told you that Alex is a stupid, perverted jerk who only cares about your breasts?"

"Uh, 139 times, counting this one." Rozy sniffed and blew her nose loudly. She chucked the hanky in the bin and resumed crying. Cerrin rolled her eyes and handed her another hanky. "But I never really believed it! Alex is a jerk! What do I do?"

"Well, there is castration, dismemberment, burning, feeding him to sharks, throttling, lynching, stabbing, drowning, exposure to Paris Hilton... take your pick."

"I don't wanna hurt him, sis! Besides, you already put him in hospital."

"But I want to kill him. And I am going to do it for you. So, how shall I kill Alex? And pick a painful way, please."

"Uh... bunnies?" Cerrin sighed and rested her head on her desk in frustration. She pounded her fist on the wooden surface several times while Rozy stared at her and sniffled. Dejected and deflated, she got up and went into her own room, snuggling up with her toy bunnies and teddies for company. Cerrin sighed and grabbed all her bags. She'd be late to catch the boat at this rate. There was a quiet knock on the door and Trip entered.

"Are you going away?"

"Just for a while. I am sorry, Trip. I am going to travel to the remaining Rune Altars and try to find out more about this strange phenomenon."

"Ok, then take me with you." Cerrin had to laugh.

"I love you." She whispered, before kissing him and teleporting away. Trip sighed and collapsed on Cerrin's bed, groaning in exasperation. 

"I love you too." He whispered.

---

Now, it was the next day, and Cerrin had gone on a journey, Trip had gone to high school, Alex was trying to become a White Knight and Timmus was picking out china patterns with Amelia. The only member of the Misadventures gang who wasn't doing anything new with her life was Rozy. On the surface, she looked completely blithe and content with doing absolutely nothing. And under the surface... she was completely blithe and content with doing nothing. That was Rozy, after all.

There were, however, a few nagging feelings buried somewhere beneath the Ritalin and the Prozac that made her feel a little bit disappointed. She didn't know why she was feeling down today. After all, she'd taken all her special happy candy and was usually as bouncy as a ferret. She thought she was over her break up with Alex, but obviously she wasn't.

"I know, I'll go to river and set the ducks on fire! Cerrin says it makes her feel better!" Rozy giggled and skipped down the road. As she was skipping down the road, the wind blew a poster into her face. She couldn't see, stumbled over a rock, and fell flat on her butt. "Owie! Mean piece of paper!" She pulled it off her face and stared at it. In big, bold letters at the top read;

**Are you a ranger?**

"Ooh, I am, I am! How does the paper know that?" She read down the page.

**Is your aim bad?**

"Uh huh."

**How would you like to become a sharp shooter in only three months?**

"Ooh, that sounds cool! How do I do that, Mr Paper?"

**Then let the legendary ranger Angus McArrowhead be your coach. In only three months, you'll be able to hit the eye of a fly at a hundred paces! **

"Where does he live, Mr Paper?"

**Angus McArrowhead resides in his bachelor pad near Falador. Refer to the mini map. Terms and conditions apply, and you may not become a good ranger if you are inherently useless.**

"Ooh, this sounds cool! I should do it, then maybe I'll hit the side of the barn instead of all the chickens! Wheee! Thank you, Mr Paper!" She kissed the poster, rolled it up, shoved it in her pocket and ran back to her house to grab a few things. She raced upstairs, bundled the essentials (hair products, extra clothes, and her favourite stuffed bunny toy) into a small suitcase and ran out of the house, squealing happily.

"Mommy, daddy, I'm going off on an adventure like Cerrin! I'll be back in three months!"

"Take your bloody time." Mrs Wyver muttered, angrily slicing carrots in the kitchen. Mr Wyver put his newspaper down and ran to the door.

"Be careful crossing the road! Don't stay out when it's dark and don't take candy from strangers!"

"Ok, Daddy!" She giggled, and skipped down the path happily, on her way and on a new journey. Mr Wyver sighed and smiled.

"Ahh, they grow up so fast..."

---

The 'bachelor pad' looked more like a rat infested squat. It was a small, rickety old wooden house on the outskirts of Falador, with several signs painted with 'No Trespassing'. Rozy opened the creaky gate, trudged up the broken, gravely path to the door and stood on the porch, staring at the poster.

"This is where Mr Paper said it was." She knocked on the door softly, and waited. From inside the house, loud thuds, grunts and swearing could be heard as the owner got up and trudged their way to the door. The door swung open and a squat, chubby man in a flannel dressing gown glared at Rozy. He was wearing a large tartan hat that completely hid his hair (if he had any).

"Are you Angus McArrowhead, mister?"

"Aye, wheest yae carfuffle. Aye, Angus McArrowhead ah am. What dae yae want lassie? Ah ent gaet nae patience waeth th'likes o' yae, tryin' tae sell mae old crap, yae ken?"

"Um, I don't understand a word you just said but I saw this and I thought you'd help me become a better ranger!" Rozy thrust the poster in his face. He glared at it with dark, beady eyes, then snatched the paper off her, screwed it up into a ball and threw it into his overgrown garden.

"Lassie, ah ent ne'er teachin' another wee bairn tae shoot e'er again, yae hear? Nae'r again, naet after tae last time!"

"Is that English?"

"O course! I dae ken yae mother tongue, yae wee straw-haired wee Barbie!"

"Please teach me how to be a better ranger! Everyone I meet says I can't hit the side of the barn! But I can!"

"Good fer yae." He was about to step back into the house when Rozy grabbed the door and held it open. He tried to pull it closed, but Rozy kept a firm hold. He grunted, groaned and strained as he tried to close the door. "Aye, yae be a strong wee lass!" He groaned, letting go off the door and gasping for breath. "Hae yae e'er considered tossin th' cabers?"

"What's that?"

"Ne'er yae mind. Nae, yae seem a nice enough lassie, sae here's a word o' advice; dinna try an be a ranger. Naebody gae's yae any respect, th' warriors hate yae, th'mages hate yae, an' th' other rangers can bae reet dipshits. Besides, ah'm past it. Ah ent never trainin' no other e'er again, on account a hae crappy mah current life is."

"So, why are you unhappy? If I fix it, will you train me?" McArrowhead let out a roar of laughter and nearly collapsed, laughing his head off.

"Aye, lassie, if yae can do a miracle, ah'll teach yae all ah ken!" He said, removing his hat. Rozy shrank away in terror.

"Oh my Saradomin! Well, I can have a go..."

---

"Oh, Tim, Trip, I ache. I ache all over. And I barely escaped being smothered by Meryl Peemstein's ginormous boobs. What did I do to deserve this?" Alex sighed. He'd been discharged from the University hospital because Meryl had posed a serious threat to his well-being, and he was recovering in his dorm room at the White Knights' Academy. Timmus and Trip were supposed to be cheering him up, but they were more interested in giving him a hard time about Rozy.

"You deserved it. I was there and I saw what you did to Rozy." Trip said. "Gees, Alex, why don't you ever think before you do something?"

"Hey, there were seven hot girls who wanted to hang out with me! And I have it on good authority that at least two of them would have slept with me, and I wouldn't even have had to pay them! What would you guys have done?"

"Told them I had a girlfriend."

"Told 'em I had a fiac... fin... fia?" Timmus had his famous 'constipated-thinking' look on his face.

"Fiancée." Trip told him.

"Yeah, that."

"You're such boring good little Saradominist boys, aren't you?"

"That's not it, you knucklehead. If you're in a serious relationship, you have to be faithful."

"Yeah. You gotta stand by your woman." Timmus grunted.

"I wasn't in a serious relationship!"

"You told Rozy you loved her, so either you were in a serious relationship or you lied to her."

"Lyin' ain't good for couples. Ansela lied all the time and she didn't never have a proper boyfriend 'cause of it." Timmus grunted.

"Listen, girls, if you ever want to get any, you gotta take any opportunity. Who settles down for good at seventeen, anyway? We're young, we're hot- well, I'm hot, and we have years of girls to bed. C'mon, don't you agree with me?" Trip and Timmus looked at each other.

"Deluded?"

"Yep."

"Let's go, Timmus, you've got your wedding rehearsal dinner in a few hours."

"Dinner..." Timmus drooled as the two of them teleported off to Ardounge. Alex laid back and thought for a minute.

"They can't possibly be right." He thought to himself for a few minutes. "Can they?" The door opened and Alan walked in with a bunch of grapes.

"Aw man, she got you bad. How'd you get beat up by a girl anyway?" He asked, putting the grapes on Alex's bedside table and sitting down on the bed next to his.

"She was a mage." Alan nodded.

"I see."

"She put an Entangle spell on me. I couldn't even shield my face from her blows. Oh, she's a sadistic bitch, is Cerrin Wyver." Alan's face blanched.

"Cerrin Wyver? The same Cerrin Wyver who terrorised the University of Bitchcraft and Bitchery for two whole years? The Cerrin Wyver that strikes fear into the hearts of all men and their manhood?"

"Yeah, that one."

"Saradomin, you're one lucky guy, Alex. Next time I go out with some girls, I'll invite you along, ok? Got to go, I got three dates today."

"Good on you. See ya!" Alex waved Alan goodbye with his least broken arm and set to work trying to reach the grapes on his table. "Ow. Ow. Ow. Bloody casts." He groaned.

---

"So, I washed it twice with Head and Shoulders to get rid of all your nasty dandruff, I put head lice killing cream on and combed them all out, and then I used three bottles of my sister's home made nourishing conditioning potion! So, how is it?" She handed Angus the mirror. He stared at his reflection and gasped.

"Mae hair! It be soft an' shiny! An mae skin feels smooth as a wee bairn's buttock! Hae did yae do that?"

"Exfoliation and a moisturising avocado face mask!" She giggled, pleased with her work. "I told Cerrin beauty stuff would be useful one day! KAWAII!" She giggled, having recently taken some of her 'special candy'. "So, will you teach me how to be a better ranger?"

"Will ah? Will ah? Lassie, I wanna adopt yae! Baet ah'm naet allowed tae by t'local government, sae yes! Ah am gonna teach yae everything ah ken, ya ken?"

"I do ken! Kawaii!"

---

Well, considering how much Angus McArrowhead knew about ranging, teaching Rozy everything he knew about it took considerably longer than three months. Well, seven months. Rozy had told him she thought her draw weight was sixteen pounds, and they'd both been surprised when she managed to hit a bull's-eye with a heavy forty pound longbow. The bull was also surprised, before it dropped dead. They had beef stew for dinner that night. Rozy had moved onto throwing knives, and she was good with them, but Angus had decided not to teach her too much about those, considering how crazy she was when throwing them. Her aim with a bow had become so good, Angus no longer had to tell everyone in the immediate vicinity to take cover and pray when she began target practice. Small targets, moving targets, selective shooting, she mastered them all, while still remaining a giggling, blonde bundle of happiness, love and prescription drugs. He was so proud.

"Nae, wee lassie, ah think it be abaet time tae gae yae this." He picked up a long, thin box, and handed it to her.

"Wow, a box!"

"Open t'box, yae dim witted lassie." Rozy unfastened the clip and lifted the lid. She squealed happily, and pulled out the Magic Longbow. "It be mae most treasured bow, an' ah said ah'd give it tae t'one who surpassed me. Nae, are yae gonna take care a'it?"

"Yes! I am! And thank you, Mr McArrowhead!" She giggled, bouncing up and down happily.

"Nae, thank yae, lassie. Thanks tae yae, ah can talk tae women again wi'out them bein' disgusted bae mae hair an mae formerly bad complexion! Nae, get out into t'world an' shoot til yae drop!"

"I will, Mr McArrowhead, and bye bye!" She squealed and ran into Falador to look for a mage. She wanted to show her whole family how good she was. Angus sighed and leaned on his fence.

"Aye, she be an odd wee lassie t'be sure, baet she ain't half cute. If only she were ten years older."

---

A week after Rozy had finished her training, she was at home again and everyone was happy. Well, almost everyone.

"I mean it, you guys, I'm going crazy. Crazy, I tell you, crazy! I miss her like mad, whenever I stop concentrating in class I write her name surrounded by hearts on my books, and every girl I've tried to chat up in the past seven months I kept pretending they were her! What's wrong with me?" Alex wailed, hammering the castle walls. "I want my little Rozy back!"

"You're like soooo totally in love, you ninny!" Amelia giggled. "You thought you weren't, but you like so obviously are." They were all at the White Knights' Castle. Alex had been like this for the past month, and he was becoming desperate. Every time he'd gone to Lumbridge this week to see Rozy, he'd had to dodge arrows, and most recently high level spells as Cerrin had returned to normal and returned home.

"If you want her back, you're gonna have to grovel to Rozy until she says yes, and then grovel to Cerrin until she agrees not to pound you into the ground." Trip said. "You'll have to make a big gesture, something romantic and full of meaning."

"I can so be romantic!"

"Calling someone 'sweet cakes' is your idea of romance."

"You really ain't good at it." Timmus grunted.

"And you are?"

"He so totally is romantic! When we got married, he wrote his own vows! He said; 'If you're ever cold and hungry, I'll kill a bear and give to the fur to wrap around you and the meat to eat, if you're ever sick or hurt I'll take you to Trip to heal you, and if anyone ever threatens you I'll beat them into a pulp'! Isn't he romantic?"

"That's romantic... and a little weird, but I guess it's the sentiment that counts." Trip thought for a second. "Well, if I want to be romantic with Cerrin I usually tell her how nice she looks. If you make her feel good about herself, she'll be more open to taking you back, I think."

"That's great and all, you guys, but how do I **get** to Rozy without Cerrin threatening- or trying- to kill me?"

"I can get her out of the house so you can talk to Rozy, or whatever you plan to do. I mean, I've been trying to ask her on a proper date for months."

"That's settled then!" Alex thought hard for a moment. "I know! I could serenade her! _Whatever I did, whatever I said I didn't mean iiiiit! I just want you back for gooooood!_" He howled, off tempo and out of tune.

"Hell no." Timmus muttered, covering his ears.

"Uh, Alex, I think like, a present or something would be a totally better idea, and you wouldn't have to hurt anyone's ears." Amelia told him. "Like, buy her a thousand pink roses or something."

"Where the hell am I gonna get the money to buy... hey, Timmus, can you lend me the money to buy a thousand pink roses?"

"Ok."

"Done! This romantic crap is really easy!" Trip and Amelia shook their heads and sighed.

---

Operation Distract Cerrin was Trip's mission. To be honest, he'd wanted to ask her out for a long time, but hadn't had the courage. It was kind of hard not to when everyone was practically shoving you towards her, urging him to ask her out quickly. He had been overjoyed and relieved when she'd said yes. He'd packed up a tent, several thermal blankets and plenty of easy to cook camp food. He stumbled over the porch step and dropped everything, much to Cerrin's amusement.

"I really hope you can keep your balance long enough to reach the campsite. Where are we camping, anyway?" She was dressed in warm woollen winter clothes and wearing an ugly red and purple scarf and hat combo that her mother had knitted. Trip had a matching striped sweater. "We look quite a pair." She laughed.

"It's a surprise. I can't tell you, that'd ruin it."

"Why now, anyway?" Cerrin asked.

"Well, I've been trying to ask you for ages, but I wasn't brave enough."

"What, did you think I would breathe fire or something?" She said, dragging her bags down the path.

"Should I answer that?" Trip smiled. Cerrin tapped him softly on the head. "Ok, ready to teleport?"

"Of course."

---

"Oh my Guthix." Cerrin gasped. It had been a bit of a trek but they found themselves at the very lake they'd spent their first night as a proper couple at. It looked much different in winter, with the surface glazed with a thin layer of ice that was gleaming in bright pastel shades in the setting sun. "Trip, this is wonderful."

"Really?"

"Yes." She smiled. "Let us hurry and put up this tent before it gets too dark." The ground was hard and frozen, but a little fire magic here and there meant that the tent was more easily put up. Trip fell over the tent bag about seven times before Cerrin insisted he should just hold the poles for her. It didn't take her too long to put it up, despite Trip's best efforts at helping, and soon they were sat on a thick groundsheet, wrapped up in blankets and snuggled in front of a campfire, roasting marshmallows. Even Cerrin couldn't roast them wrong.

"This is nice." Trip said as they finished off all the marshmallows.

"It is." Cerrin sighed and snuggled up to him. It was completely dark now, but it probably wasn't even seven o' clock yet. "It is a little cold though." She said, noting the wind blowing off the lake.

"I think it's the wind. Should we go in the tent?"

"Go in ahead of me, I will put the fire out." Trip got up and climbed into the tent. Cerrin extinguished the fire with a Water Bolt and shoved some dirt on the still glowing embers. She picked up the blankets, threw them into the tent, ignored Trip's indignant 'hey' and rolled up the groundsheet, shoving it back into the kit bag before climbing into the tent. Trip was already tucked up in the double sleeping bag. Cerrin fastened the tent flaps and climbed into the sleeping bag. "Finally I can take off these hideous things." She sighed, throwing the hat and scarf to the side. "I cannot see anything." She said, feeling her way into the sleeping bag.

"That's because it's night." Trip laughed.

"Do not be so cheeky." She smacked him. "So, why here? I would like to hear it from you."

"You know, it was the place we had our first kiss. Well, our first proper kiss." He said, remembering his first embarrassing attempt. Cerrin laughed quietly.

"You gave me a shock back then, Trip. Before that I had never known you to be so forward." She snuggled up close to him. "You know, it is not very late. Are we just going to lie here all night?"

"Uh, I didn't really plan anything to do." He said, not able to see Cerrin's smiling face in the dark. "Uh, what do you want to do?"

"Well, we are all alone, no one to bother us, just me and you in a nice, snug tent."

"And?"

"Oh, Trip, must I always spell everything out for you?"

"Spell what out- whoa!"

---

It was dark now at eight o'clock as Rozy skipped home, shooting all the goblins who tried to attack her as she made her way back. The Wyvers' living room now resembled an overgrown rose garden, with huge wreaths, chain and bunches of roses in varying shades of pink everywhere and a large banner with 'Best girl in the world' hung up. Mr and Mrs Wyver (and baby Ryan) were being distracted by Mr and Mrs Tiptree, who had invited them round for dinner. Mrs Wyver always enjoyed not having to cook. And so, Alex was hiding behind the biggest wreath, waiting for Rozy to come home from archery practice. Timmus and Amelia peeked in the side window and gave him a thumbs up each before ducking back down. The door clicked open and Rozy came in.

"Mommy, Daddy, I'm back and I brought brownies!" She cheered, before walking into the living room and then dropping the bag of brownies in shock. "Oh my Saradomin, all these roses! Who put them here?"

"I did." Alex stepped out from behind the large wreath, trying to remember what he'd written down and memorised earlier. "I was a total jerk to you, and I'm sorry. So I bought a thousand roses to show that it love you a thousand times more than anyone else ever will. And, I promise I won't ever look at another girl ever again. Actually, I might look, but I'll never ever go off with another girl. And, uh, um, wanna make out?"

"He forgot his words!" Amelia groaned. "Now he's like, totally ruined it."

"I dunno, Rozy looks happy." Timmus said. He was right. Rozy squealed, grabbed Alex in a tight hug and kissed him.

"Alex, you're sooooo KAWAII! I will take you back, 'cause I missed you so much and Cerrin told me that all guys do stupid things because it's in their genes, even though I don't really get what trousers have to do with it! I love you!"

"I love you too. I think. Well, I'm pretty damn sure. Could you stop hugging me, I'm kinda finding it hard to breathe..." He gasped, and Rozy let go of him and skipped around the room, picking up handfuls of rose petals and tossing them in the air, cheering and squealing. Timmus and Amelia ran in.

"Ok, you've made up, but now you've gotta like, totally clean this up before Rozy's parents come home and like totally murder you for making a mess!"

"Hi Amelia!"

"Hi Rozy! OMG I haven't had the chance to tell you yet, but I totally love your new hairstyle!" Rozy had her hair loose with the fringe pulled back in a clip.

"I tried to make myself look more mature." She giggled.

"You so totally do!"

"Uh, any help would be appreciated." Alex snapped.

"Uh, we're like, girls. You're men, you do the heavy work. So, what do you think of my hair, Rozy?"

"I love it!"

"Yay!" So, the men started to clear away all the roses before Mr and Mrs Wyver came home (and before the roses began to smell funny. They'd been there for quite a while and some of them looked pretty limp) and the girls giggled and talked about hair. All the while, a figure was watching them from the shadows.

---

"Are we in position?" Bunny asked as she swung around in her chair. "We'd better be, cause if I have to program another goddamned vector map I'm going to punch someone."

"I think so..." Harry looked at the radar. "Ooh, ever so close."

"I've nearly fixed the problem, Bunny." Mishi turned the last bolt and closed the panel door. "There, normal tracking is back online, so you won't have to input anything manually."

"Good work! Harry, now are we in position?" Harry typed at manic speed for about ten seconds and then checked the radar.

"Yes, ma'am!" He looked at the radar again to confirm. "Right above them."

"Good. Beam 'em up, Harry!"

"You do know that we actually use plotholes to move them, not a beam of any sort-"

"Harry, stop fucking around and PLOTHOLE them up then! Whatever! Gees, can't a rabbit have some fun around here?"

"I was just saying. Or maybe you don't take this seriously."

"I'll give you serious, mister! This is me being serious! I am SERIOUSLY mad at you right now and if you don't beam them up or plothole them up now I will SERIOUSLY punch you in your pretty little face!" Harry quickly pressed the red button and the beam, sorry, plothole machine beamed, plotholed, oh whatever it does, it brought something up.

And then Cerrin and Trip got the shock of their lives. Harry and Mishi stared. Jumbo gawked. Demon fell off his perch and Katy covered her eyes and zoomed off up to the ceiling. Bunny just had to laugh.

"BUUUUUUUNNYYYYYYY!!!" Cerrin shrieked, pulling all the blankets over herself, leaving poor, blushing Trip with just the sleeping bag. "Beam up our clothes NOW!"

---

Mrs Wyver stormed angrily up the path, with Mr Wyver hurrying behind her with little baby Ryan in his arms.

"I just don't get why you're so mad at me!" Mrs Wyver slammed the door open and stormed in.

"If you had the brain capacity to remember something other than the football scores, you'd remember that tonight is..." She stopped still when she reached the living room, with it's wreaths of flowers neatly bundled into bunches, vases and banners. Rose petals were scattered everywhere and the huge banner of 'Best girl in the world' was still hung from the crossbeams. Mr Wyver came in and gawked.

"Uh, I can explain..."

"No need to!" Mrs Wyver wailed happily. "You finally remembered our anniversary! Oh, Andrew, I'm so sorry! You were just waiting to surprise me, weren't you?"

"Er. Yeah?" He said, more surprised than anyone. Ryan gurgled happily and batted at a bunch of roses near him. Mrs Wyver picked Ryan up off of Mr Wyver and ran out giddily.

"I'm going to ask Sarah to look after him for tonight, you wonderful husband of mine! Get upstairs!" She yelled as she ran out of the door. Mr Wyver looked up at the ceiling, got down on his knees and raised his hands in the air.

"Oh, Saradomin, thank you! At least I think it was you, so thank you, thank you THANK YOU!"

---

"Alright, I'm sorry Cerrin, I didn't realise that you two were in that... position."

"Is that supposed to be a joke?" Cerrin snarled.

"It wasn't supposed to be. Never mind, never mind, we have more important things to discuss. Like the fact that at twenty three minutes past seven this evening Lord Darkvel and his hordes attacked Lumbridge and kidnapped four of your friends. Rozy, Timmus, Alex and Amelia."

"Alex is not my friend." Cerrin snarled.

"Alright, three of your friends and one stupid pervert. I tracked Darkvel down to the HAM headquarters."

"Why the hell would Lord Darkvel, who is supposedly evil, want to go to the HAM headquarters? Sure, they are power hungry and have some influence, but also are also laughably weak, pathetic and deluded."

"Beats me. Maybe he likes pink robes."

"Considering that you are supposed to be nigh omnipotent, you do not know a lot. If you can see the future, why can you not prevent things like this from happening? One might assume that you, for all your plotholing powers, are incredibly stupid." Of course, this was the sort of comment that made Bunny wiggle her ears and growl indignantly. Because you cold insult her appearance, her brother and her team of freaks, but the one thing you did not insult was her intelligence.

"I'm not a psychic! I can't read minds or any of that crap. I could see the future and fix it if I wanted to, but foresight and time travel are banned by the Council of Plot Beings on account of the fact that they can SCREW THE FABRIC OF THE UNIVERSE THE HELL UP IF YOU DO EVEN ONE TINY WRONG. Just watch Doctor Who. And I know a hell of a lot more than you, Miss Cerridwyn Bradhadair Wyver! I have an IQ of 9273! I can tell you the exact latitude and longitude of every single thing in Runescape right now. I know every single element in the Periodic Table, even the ones scientists haven't discovered yet, and their atomic number and mass. I can recite pi to all of its decimal places!"

"Saradomin, it's like having two Cerrins. And isn't pi an infinite decimal?" Trip asked.

"Yes! And I can recite all of the decimal places." Bunny cackled. "All the way to infinity."

"Ok, my head hurts now." He sighed.

"Mine too." Cerrin muttered. "All right, I admit, you are the most intelligent being in the room."

"Hey, I'm a lot more intelligenter than you, sis!" Demon yelled, having climbed back onto his perch.

"Sure. You keep on telling yourself and your paltry 3729 IQ that." Bunny yelled up at him. "He's a dumbass."

"Ok..." Trip looked at Cerrin. "Your middle name is Bradhadair?"

"Call it my mother's inherent craziness when it comes to baby names. Daddy and I had to fight to stop her from calling Ryan 'Reginaldo Armando'."

"I see."

"Well, the scanner shows that they are all in the HAM headquarters, Darkvel included, and the best way to get in there is to disguise yourselves as HAM members. So I had Ans- an associate of mine steal some robes. I could have plotholed them up here, but I have better things to do."

"Do you really count rewinding, watching and re-rewinding the scenes in X3 where Hugh Jackman takes his shirt off as a better thing to do?" Demon yelled down from his perch. Bunny produced a paintball gun and shot at him. "Ow! That hurts! And this is my favourite t-shirt! Ow!"

"All right then, here," She tossed them the bright pink robes. "Go and get changed and I'll beam you down near the HAM headquarters."

"I'll help you get changed!" Harry trilled. "So, Trip, how about you and me go round the back, hmm?"

"No, Harry." Mishi grabbed him by his ear and dragged him away. "You have a job to do, remember? You have to help me fix the transistor console, remember?"

"Oh, you're such a dull dishcloth, Mish. Bye bye Trip, see you later!" Harry blew him a kiss before Mishi dragged him out of the room and closed the door sharply. Bunny shook her head and her whiskers.

"Ah, just ignore him. Trust me, ignoring him and my brother is one of few things that keeps me sane. The others are my- well, let's not go into that now."

---

In the ruins of an old house, quite near Lumbridge, a trap door led to a deep, subterraneous cavern, filled with the members of one of the most feared, reviled and badly dressed organisations in all of Runescape. Yes, deep underground these people lurked, plotting against all the monsters of Runescape with misguided venom. They were HAM, Humans Against Monsters, and they wanted to get rid of all monsters in Runescape. Needless to say they weren't popular, as most inhabitants of Runescape knew that monsters and the items gave up when vanquished were important, even if they didn't enjoy killing them. And in the back of the underground HAM headquarters they had cells to keep the thieves that came in to steal all the oddments they kept in their robe pockets, and today the cells were fully stocked.

"Ew, Saradomin, do you know what deodorant is, Tim?"

"Nope." Timmus grunted. "Can ya eat it?"

"No." Alex groaned. "Why they tie me up with you? I'd rather be tied up with Rozy." He looked over at Rozy and Amelia, who were tied together back to back and sitting down in the same fashion as him and Timmus. "Can either of you move?" Alex asked.

"Nuh uh." Rozy whined. "Those meanies!"

"I am like sooo totally getting rope burn on my perfect skin!" Amelia wailed. "And this underground cave air is totally ruining my complexion. And my mascara is running!" She sobbed. "Don't they know who I am? I need my makeup kit and my compact mirror, like now, dammit!"

"I'll get ya out, sweety." Timmus grunted, straining against his ropes.

"Oh, Timmus, that's why I love you!" She cheered. "Strain against those ropes, baby!"

"I feel ill." Alex muttered. The guard turned around from his post and sniggered at Timmus' futile attempts to snap the ropes.

"Good luck, muscles. Those ropes are made from spun threads of Runite, and even dragons can't break 'em."

"Meanie!" Amelia and Rozy yelled simultaneously. The guard just laughed and returned to his post. The four of them resigned themselves to just languishing in the cell and waiting for someone to come and rescue them. Hopefully, Cerrin and Trip would figure out where they'd gone, if they gotten back from their trip by tomorrow anyway.

---

Cerrin, Trip and Bunny stepped onto the moist, cold grass of the fields near Lumbridge. Cerrin groaned as her once pristine looking HAM boots sank deeper and deeper into the freezing mud.

"Ugh, these clothes are horrible. I look like I am wearing a huge, raw pork-coloured sack." She snarled as the three of them made their very slow, cold and soggy journey to the HAM headquarters. Bunny wanted to make sure they looked like they'd actually journeyed rather than been dropped off there, to avoid suspicion. "They had better be in there, and they had better be in real danger because, or Guthix so help me, I will kick their asses."

"Calm down, Cerrin." Bunny sighed, checking and re-checking that her ears were definitely hidden from view under her hood. She'd also trimmed off her whiskers, just to be sure. The rabbit nose, well luckily Mishi was good with make up as well as mechanical objects. When Cerrin and Trip had asked her why she didn't use her powers, she had replied that she liked her appearance exactly the way it was and it was difficult to make herself look exactly the same every time she transformed herself back and would they like to here her explain the long process of metamorphosing in excruciating detail seeing as they were so damn curious. They decided to just leave it at that.

"This place is kind of a dump." Trip looked at the abandoned house.

"Well, it kinda suits the HAM members. They're all weird." Bunny said. "I'll spring the trapdoor up, and go in first." She pulled a lock-pick out of her robe pocket.

"Why not just use your powers?" Cerrin asked.

"Aw, come on, I like using mortal methods of doing things. They're so cute and quaint." Bunny sniggered, picking open the lock. "Ta dah!"

"Quite." Cerrin replied icily. Bunny climbed down, followed by Trip. Cerrin had to laugh at him; his face looked so cute, the way he was concentrating so hard on not slipping on the ladder. It was to no avail though; he stumbled on the last rung and Bunny had to catch him. Cerrin came down, making sure that the trapdoor was closed securely before climbing down the ladder. A nearby female HAM member took one look at the three of them and scuttled off quietly. However the rest of the HAM members just seemed to ignore them. Some greeted them politely with 'hello, brother' or sister, in Bunny and Cerrin's cases.

"The cells are at the back of the cave, and they have few guards." Cerrin muttered. Bunny and Trip looked at her. "I know that because I used to come down here with Ansela and provide distractions while she broke out her thieving friends from jail. I am not too proud of myself, I admit." She said, though she did look slightly pleased with herself in spite of what she'd said. "Hurry, we should get to them." She said, and the three of them made their way to the back of the cave, secretly watched by the female HAM member that had ran away from them earlier.

---

The female HAM member made her way to a small alcove and tapped a man on the shoulder.

"Ok, Wally, scratch the training exercise. I just saw Cerrin and Trip here."

"Ansela, you said they wouldn't come here!" He hissed at her. "And you dragged me all the way here through the freezing mud to learn to steal! Great, now I came here for nothing."

"Relax, we aren't leaving. I know the only reason Cerrin and Trip would be here would be to rescue someone. I reckon Rozy or Alex must have got themselves into bother. Come on, to the cells!" She whispered, snatching a key swiftly from the pocket of an unsuspecting guard, who didn't even notice her take it.

---

Alex, Rozy, Amelia and Timmus, bored out of their limited collective wits, had started a rousing round of '99 Kegs of Ale' to amuse themselves. It also had the added bonus of annoying the guard. They'd gotten down to 51 when the cell door opened and a tall person wearing dark robes stepped in. The robes covered its form completely, so they had no idea if it was male or female until it spoke;

"I am Lord Darkvel. And you will help me take over this world."

"Like, no way!" Amelia yelled. "You will to use my royal status to take over my kingdom!"

"Royalty is irrelevant to my goals. The only use I have for you is your status within this story."

"This guy makes no sense." Alex muttered.

"I will use you to draw the Plot Bunny here, and I will steal her powers and use them to bend the universe to my will! Bwa ha ha!" He cackled happily. "How's my evil laugh?"

"Very clichéd. And actually, that sort of makes sense." Alex gawked. "Oh, this is some fucked up shit."

"Bad!" Rozy kicked him. "You said bad words."

"Ow! Now is not the time!" Alex groaned. "You kick like your sister." Rozy giggled proudly.

"It should not be long. I sense a strong presence nearing us..." He swept his cloak around him dramatically and hid in the shadows. Alex was reminded of someone but he couldn't quite put his finger on it.

---

Bunny's ears wiggled violently under her hood and she clamped her paws over them quickly, before looking around. Cerrin and Trip stared at her.

"I sense a strong, unnatural presence here. Sorry 'bout that, my ears wiggle whenever I sense a plot disturbance." She said. "Phew, no one else saw. Here, hold this." She handed her torch to Cerrin, and pulled out a small, bleeping device. She looked it for a second and then shoved it back into her robes.

"Do you think that this strong presence is Lord Darkvel?"

"Either that or Demon is pranking me again. But he wouldn't dare. I already threatened to take away all his games consoles for a millennium if he played another one on me." She muttered. "It's gotta be Darkvel."

"It is really cramped around here." Cerrin sighed as they made their way through the passage to the cell blocks. Trip suddenly stopped and took a step back. Cerrin turned around and glared at him. "Hurry up Trip. You are not scared, are you?"

"No, but don't either of you think this might be a trap?" He whispered. "How can we escape from this place? You said yourself Bunny that you have to restrict plothole usage to places you haven't mapped out. What if he's waiting with a trap?"

"Oh, don't be silly Trip. Of course it's a trap. If he didn't want us to find them and come after him, he'd have hid them somewhere un-traceable. This is a trap for sure, which is why..." She conjured a plothole, reached in and pulled out a small handgun. It was silver and had a gauge up one side with several levels on it. It was set to level ten, right at the end of the gauge. "I'm packing this, set to kill. Actually, it only kills none plot beings at this setting; you have to turn it up further to kill plot beings. Well done for being so perceptive, though." She said. "You got your runes in place, both of you?"

"Yes." Trip replied.

"Do not need them." Cerrin smiled, and three of them walked on, and unbeknownst to them, pursued by Ansela. (Wally had been made to wait in the central area. He was sitting on one of the chairs in the centre and was being bored to tears by the speaker.) Ansela crept along the corridor silently. She'd changed into black ninja garb, just to make sure she blended into the darkness easily. And of course, sneaking around was her speciality.

---

The guard tried his best, but unfortunately stood no chance against Cerrin. She'd knocked him out before Trip could even attempt a Bind spell.

"Hey!" Rozy cheered as Cerrin, Trip and Bunny walked towards the cell. "Sis! Trip! Bunny, KAWAII KAWAII! We're here!"

"Hey, you guys, it's a trap!" Alex yelled.

"We know, we know." Cerrin said. "But thank you for trying to warn us."

"So, you knew it was a trap." Darkvel stepped out of the shadows.

"Obvious much?" Bunny rolled her eyes. "Taking them to a traceable location that is difficult to access by plotholes and is also difficult to physically escape from is a great idea, except it's easy to figure out and-" Bunny whipped out her gun and shot Darkvel squarely in the chest. "You're a stupid douchebag. And you're coming back to the plothole dimension for reprogramming." Cerrin stepped over the unconscious Darkvel and began to melt the cell lock. Bunny walked over to Darkvel and dragged him up with one hand. "Right, no you're coming with me and- shit!"

"What?" Trip nearly dropped the torch in shock.

"It's a fake!" Bunny hissed, pointing to 'Lord Darkvel' who was actually a mechanical doll with a speaker in it. "So fucking obvious, but I never would have thought of it."

"That is because..." Darkvel swooped down from the ceiling and stuck something in Bunny's shoulder. "You think like a Plot Being." He rasped. Bunny howled in pain. The device he'd stuck in her shoulder looked like a crystal with a stone point at one end. The stone point glowed red hot. Bunny howled in pain and collapsed to the floor. "Feel your plotholing power flow out of you, foolish Bunny, and fear me- Lord Darkvel! Bwa ha ha ha! Touché!"

"Cliché!" Cerrin yelled, casting a Fire Blast at Darkvel. Darkvel reflected it with his hand and sent Cerrin flying backwards into the cell wall. Trip threw the torch at Darkvel, which set his robes on fire. Panicking, Darkvel howled and pulled his robes off, tossing them into a plothole. Trip took a step back in horror at Darkvel's twisted, warped form. Darkvel glared at Trip.

"So I can't afford plastic surgery or a visit to the Makeover Mage! But as soon as I gain all of Bunny's powers, I'll be able to reshape myself as well as they rest of this world! And you won't be able to stop me!" He roared, pouncing at Trip with an outstretched claw. A Runite throwing knife flew into his hand, and he howled in pain. Another knife flew into the crystal device, shattering it. The collected power flowed back into Bunny, and she stood up, glowing with energy. She looked pretty pissed.

"No one does that to me and gets away with it! Begone!" She turned her gun up to 11 and fired a huge pulse of energy at Darkvel. He tossed a small, black object onto the floor and dropped into it, disappearing. The pulse hit the guard who had just regained consciousness in time to be vaporised. "Oh, fuck. Ah, forget it, he was a HAM member. Dammit, I wish they'd never invented those portable plotholes. She stared down the corridor, where a familiar face winked at her before disappearing into the dark. She grinned and turned around to the cell. Cerrin had a wound on her head, and Trip was healing her with all the magic he could muster while the other four looked on in shock. "Hey, hey, let me through!" She pushed Alex out of the way and looked down at Cerrin. Her wound was bleeding badly, even though it looked shallow. Then again, Bunny knew that all head wounds bled a lot. Trip looked strained.

"It's not working." He croaked, on the verge of tears. Bunny grabbed his wrist and Trip glowed. The magic flowed into Cerrin's wound and it began to heal up quickly. Within seconds there was no trace of the wound, just sticky blood left in her hair and on the floor. Cerrin groaned.

"Is she ok?" Rozy asked.

"She was so brave!" Alex sobbed.

"Oh, look, at her hair! It's so tragic!" Amelia wailed. Timmus just shrugged.

"Issat you Trip?" She mumbled. "Ah, I wuv youuuu." She cooed at him, deliriously, tapping him on the cheek with her palm. "Wuvvy, wuvvy youuuu."

"Cerrin, are you alright?"

"I so am fine. Ooh, your hair is so blue and shiny. Bluuuue and shiiiinyyyy..."

"Eh, she's got a concussion. That was a bad knock." Bunny sighed. "Anyway, we can't walk out here, so I arranged for the ship to pick us up about-"

---

"Now." Bunny said as they warped onto the ship. "A little slow today, aren't we, Harry?"

"Hey, you already put a damper on my boner tonight. Why not give me a break?"

"You can relax when you've done your work, twit." She groaned. Alex pranced over to Harry, grabbed his hand and kissed it.

"Well, hello beautiful lady! How about you and I get a room?"

"Well, that sounds great. But I should tell you that I'm actually a man." Harry winked at Alex. "Wouldn't say no, though."

"What? Ew! Bleh! Ack!" Alex gagged, backing away. Then he noticed Mishi and collapsed in a drooling heap. Trip half fainted and had to be caught by Rozy. Timmus remained oblivious, probably due to the fact that he never noticed attraction unless it hit him in the face. Bunny sighed.

"Katy, get the anti-pheromone powder. We need them conscious for this."

---

"It was so nice of Bunny to give us these nice gifts!" Rozy giggled. "And it's not even our birthdays, hee hee!" Bunny had given each of them the following; a portable plothole, a communicator crystal and a box of chocolates. The chocolates had no plot bending powers, but Bunny figured they each deserved a treat, all things considered. Cerrin and Rozy waved goodbye to Trip as he went into his house, and Cerrin teleother-ed Alex, Timmus and Amelia away to their respective home cities (or closest, at least). Cerrin sighed and walked into the house, and into the living room. Mr Wyver was sat on the sofa in his robe, surrounded by a ton of pink roses and drinking a beer. Cerrin sighed.

"Daddy, is there something you want to tell me?"

"Oh, Cerrin, I thought you'd gone away with Trip for a while?"

"Well, our little vacation was... cut short, I should say." She sighed, slightly embarrassed. "What went on here?"

"Well, someone put all these flowers in here, I don't know why, but guess what! Today's mine and Julie's anniversary! Who'd have thunk it?"

"Daddy, I do believe everyone except you remembers yours and Mother's anniversary. So, who did put all these flowers here?"

"Alex!" Rozy giggled. "He said he wuvved me!" She giggled! Cerrin rolled her eyes. Rozy would never, ever learn. But at least everyone was happy, even her mother.

"Where is Ryan?"

"Ah, we left him with Sarah. Didn't want him to hear us... you know, thingy."

"Just say sex, daddy. It makes things a lot easier."

"Not in front of your sister, Cerrin."

"Daddy, she is seventeen. Admittedly, she is a little more immature than most teens, but I think she can handle what sex is."

"Is it a kind of candy?"

"Actually, never mind."

"Ah, well, I'd better clean up these roses before your mother nags me in the morning."

"No, Daddy, Rozy, you go to bed and I will clear them up."

"Wow! That must have been some bump on the head!" Rozy giggled as she bounced up the stairs. Mr Wyver shrugged, chucked his beer bottle in the bin and trudged up the stairs, yawning. Cerrin pulled out her portable plothole, laid it on the floor and began chucking the roses in.

---

"Hey." Trip whispered as Cerrin walked in. "Everyone's fine." Mrs Tiptree was asleep on the sofa, and Trip was sitting in an armchair, holding Ryan, who was also fast asleep. Cerrin smiled and sat on the arm of Trip's chair.

"You are quite a natural."

"He was already asleep. I just took him off my mom. I think she's really tired out from babysitting him. I mean, she's not really had to look after a baby for a long time."

"Really?"

"I don't count." He laughed quietly. "I'm not that small."

"Anyway, I am going to take Ryan back home and let Ms Tiptree take a break, hmm?"

"Sure." Trip handed Ryan to Cerrin carefully and kissed her goodbye. "See you tomorrow."

---

Salazar Slimebucket woke up in his jail cell, on his hard, plank bed, yawned and got a mouthful of rose petals. He gagged and spat them out, then looked around his room. Everywhere was covered with roses, roses, roses and more roses.

"What the fuck? Oh, Zamorak, this shit never ends!"

---

"Hey, Alex!" Alan called out as he walked out of the castle, surrounded by a bunch of giggling girls. Alex turned around and waved at him. "Wanna come with us to the club? I sure don't mind sharing!"

"Nah, I think I'm good." Alex said, polishing his sword with a cloth. He looked at the blue sheen proudly and re-sheathed it. Alan laughed.

"What can you possibly be doing that's better than hanging out in a hot tub with seven girls?"

"Hi Alex!" Rozy skipped over, waving madly and jumping into his arms. "You promised to take me out, remember?"

"Sure thing, babe! See you some other time, Alan." Alan shrugged and wandered off with his little giggling harem in tow. Alex sighed.

"Well, Alex, it seems that you have developed some kind of decency." Cerrin said, walking over and smiling. "It seems my presence is not needed here after all."

"Yep. From now on, Alex Ilidan is going to be a one woman guy."

"Well done!"

"Why thank you, my flame-haired hottie." Cerrin glared at him. "I never said I was going to be perfect, did I?"


	6. Walk Alone Ranger

Five Friends, a Blonde and The Mystic Wind Princess

SerraBradhadair: Welcome! Now we're done with Alex and Rozy it's time to continue with the main story. I'm going to put Timmus and Amelia's (very weird, quite frankly) love story elsewhere. You ok with that, Tim?

Timmus: Meat.

SerraBradhadair: Um, you didn't answer the question.

Timmus: Meat.

SerraBradhadair: Er... ok then. This starts up where Cerrin and Trip's story left off. Terrence is injured, and Lord Darkvel kidnapped Jane for no apparent reason. Well, we were going to do the Wheel of Torture with Cerrin first...

Ansela: Ya know, just for fun.

SerraBradhadair: But she incinerated the wheel. And the replacement wheel. And the replacement-replacement wheel.

Ansela: She's good. Ehehe.

SerraBradhadair: And now, thanks to Miss Pyro, our budget has been stretched so far, we're forced to advertise to get some extra money. Ok, Cerrin, now!

(Cerrin enters dressed like a giant burger with a foam castle hat on her head)

Cerrin: Eat at Burger McCastle- They serve only the best deep fried offal. Clog your arteries with their wonderful high calorie, high fat, and highly toxic takeaway food. I am not singing the song.

SerraBradhadair: Sing it, or you'll be scrubbing toilets to earn back the money we wasted on those wheels.

Cerrin: (rolls her eyes and starts to sing) _If you want delicious food and your mother is in a mood,_ _come down to the castle, come on kids move your asstle_... that is not even a word, I refuse to do this any more!

SerraBradhadair: Fetch the toilet brushes, Jumbo.

Cerrin: _Oh, they serve the best fried meat, all wrapped up in a bun, what a treat, oh come down to Burger Castle, come down to Burger McCastle today_. Fucking hell.

Alex: This is the best moment of my life.

Chapter 5: Walk Alone Ranger

"It's a good thing you started healing him when you did, Trip. Chances are if you'd tried to bring him straight here, he'd have died." Professor Holborn said as he finished healing Terrence. "He's lost a lot of blood, and I wasn't able to heal all of his broken bones. He's going to be out of commission for quite a while, but I'm sure he'll recover just fine. I'll go and arrange for him to be transferred to a proper hospital."

"Thank you, Professor."

"I'll go with you. My husband is doing some administration at the hospital today, and I need to tell him Trip won't be coming home tonight." Mrs Tiptree said. Professor Holborn nodded and they left the room.

"Well, if Terrence will be all right, I think it is time we reviewed our situation." Cerrin said. They were all sat around Terrence's bed in the ward of Varrock High Students' Hospital. Varrock High wasn't the only school to have a mini hospital; in fact many places of magic study had to have hospitals due to the volatile nature of their studies, and it also gave the healing students practical experience. The University of Bitchcraft and Bitchery also had an extensive hospital, though they had fewer patients now that Cerrin was no longer there. "What can you tell us about this Lord Darkvel person?"

"Walls of Text Warning!" Katy popped out of nowhere with a red flashing light strapped to her head. "Long, plot-heavy information paragraphs ahead! If you have a low tolerance for boring please skip ahead!"

"Be quiet!" Bunny yelled, swatting Katy away.

"Well, we know he's incredibly unimaginative." Ansela said, leaning back in her chair and keeping her feet balanced on the bedstead.

"Well, that's not surprising. Plothole workers are pretty much soulless drones. They have names and families, but they don't have a say in what they think or do. Some of us- the Council of Plot Beings- have campaigned in the past to let minor plot beings have minds of their own, but the leaders mostly think that they should be as obedient as possible in order to ensure that the system works all the time."

"So, if they don't have minds of their own, why is Lord Darkvel the way he is?"

"Well, Lord Darkvel, his real name is Bob and he was the 247th worker in the Plot Device Production Factories. They make stuff like those stones Slimebucket and Darkvel used. Now, no drone has a mind of it's own, but that was precisely what made Bob rebel."

"Eh?" Alex stared at her. "That makes less sense than Timmus trying to do the alphabet.

"A! B! C! J! F! N! B! Huh?" Timmus grunted. "Uh, no, it's A, B, H, O..."

"Actually, it does make sense. Because they don't have minds of their own, they can't stand up for themselves and they're very impressionable. Bob got kicked around- sometimes literally- by his superiors in rank. So, one day there was a terrible accident... Actually, you won't want to know the details, really, you don't. So, I brought my team here to your world, so I can keep you lot safe and find the Mystic Wind Princess."

"Ooh, a princess! Is she hot?" Alex was suddenly brought back into the conversation.

"She's ten years old, you fucktard." Bunny levitated him and dropped him on the floor, butt first.

"Owie! I think you broke my butt bone!"

"There isn't a butt bone, stupid." Trip told him. "Can you walk?"

"No, I can't. Rozy, could you kiss me better?" Rozy was about to get up, but Cerrin kicked Alex in the face before she could move over to him, and so she sat back down quickly. "Ow! All better!"

"So I'll finally explain the title to you. The Mystic Wind Princess resides in the village of the ninja, hidden in an island south of Entrana. When she takes the power of the sacred ninja scroll, she gains the power to seal plot beings." Ansela's eyes went wide, she leaned back too far and fell off her chair.

"Uhh... was that by any chance the scroll I stole? Because, uh, it sorta disappeared."

"It didn't disappear, twit. You absorbed the power. Didn't you pay any attention to the tattoo on your shoulder?"

"No, because I can't read gobbledegook!" Ansela yelled up from the floor.

"That's the ancient language of the Plot Beings, you ignorant mortal!" Bunny yelled, and then sighed heavily. "Well, whatever, you wouldn't be able to read it unless you were actually a plot being, so I'll read it for you." She pulled Ansela up and read her arm, much to Ansela's annoyance. "It says 'If lost please return to the Ninja Village on the island south of Entrana.' If someone who's not supposed to use the power gets it, we mark them."

"That sounds dumb. Why couldn't it be 'Death Fang' or 'Night Prowler' or something cool sounding?"

"At least it is informative."

"The ambulance is here!" Mrs Tiptree and Professor Holborn ran into the room, followed by a bunch of paramedics. They took Terrence away on a stretcher and carted him away to the closest proper hospital, Al Kharid General Hospital. Cerrin stared after them.

"Well, forget the scroll for one second. Now that I think about it, why would Darkvel attack Terrence and take Jane? That is the main issue here, is it not?"

"Well, I..." Bunny trailed off. "Have no fucking idea."

---

"What do you want with me?" Jane stared at her captor, a huge tall figure dressed in black robes that completely covered his figure and face. She was tied to a chair, maybe it was a throne, but she couldn't tell as she was forced to face completely forward by the ropes. She was in the middle of a very bleak looking stone walled room.

"I'm a bad guy. I need an evil queen." He growled in a low, rasping voice. Jane rolled her eyes.

"I'm not evil! Why don't you ask, I don't know, a female villain to be your queen?"

"Because that would be too easy. And all the female villains in this dimension are fugly." He rasped. "So, Jane." She glared at him. "I read your name off of your dagger." He held up her Runite Dagger. Jane sighed. None of her knives were in reach of her hands, and her dagger was now gone. "Are you going to be my evil queen or not?"

"What do you think the answer is?"

"I don't know."

"NO, IDIOT!"

"Ooh, you're really feisty! I like that! I'll give you an hour to decide, and then you'll either marry me or be turned into dust!"

"An hour? How can I make that kind of life changing decision in one hour?" Jane looked at him incredulously. Maybe she could buy some more time. Darkvel looked at his watch.

"Oh, alright. An hour and five minutes." Jane had nothing to say to that, and Darkvel, seemingly pleased with her silence, walked out of the room. He didn't open a door; he just walked straight through a wall, smashing the stones out of the way. "I need to put some doors in here." He muttered to himself. Jane groaned and smacked her head on the back of the chair.

"Well, now isn't this just brilliant?" She said, struggling to reach her throwing knives that she kept hidden inside her leg armour. _Just a teeny, tiny bit closer_._ I hope Terrence is all right_...

---

Voices and images flew around him, all becoming blurred into one big mess.

"He is waking up!"

"Really?

"Yeah!"

"Yay!"

"Meat."

"Stop poking him, Rozy!"

"But poking is fun! Poke, poke, poke, KAWAII!"

"Bwuh?" Terrence opened his eyes slowly. "Where am I?" He croaked. His voice had almost gone and he could hardly hear himself speak. His head was pounding, like he was having the mother of all hangovers. His chest ached, all his limbs ached and his vision was slightly blurry. The bright light really hurt his eyes. Someone's face was hovering in front of him. "Jane? That you?"

"Nope! Sorry to disappoint you, loverboy!" Terrence's eyes opened wider and his vision slowly adjusted to see Ansela's cheeky smiling face in front of him.

"Huh? Where the hell- ahh...?" It hurt him to talk, so he stopped.

"Al Kharid General Hospital." A familiar voice sounded. He looked over to see Cerrin sitting next to his bed. Everyone else; Trip, Alex, Rozy and Timmus, were surrounding him and looking at him with amused curiosity. He looked up at the ceiling and nearly jumped out of bed from shock (at least, he would have done if he didn't ache so much). Bunny was sitting on the ceiling. Not just that, she was actually sitting on a chair, drinking a cup of coffee and reading a magazine. She banished the coffee and magazine to the plothole dimensions before jumping down and landing next to his bed.

"Rise and shine! Now, I know you've just woken up, and your throat feels all croaky and all, but we need you to tell me all you know about the guy who beat you up and took Jane."

"Uh... Darkvel. Jane and I were sent by the guild because some lords kept having their best soldiers kidnapped. We went to the wilderness..." He coughed, clutched his chest and groaned. "Ow. That was where he took them, and we fought him... he fired some kind of magic at me, grabbed Jane, teleported away... then I tried to get to Edgeville Monastery, get healed... and that's it, I can't remember anything else."

"Well, you actually wound up in Varrock. Trip healed you and then we took you to the school hospital, where one of the magic professors healed you. Then you were transferred here and are being treated by 'proper' doctors. Magic fearing twits." Cerrin told him. The last part she muttered to herself.

"Trip healed me?"

"Uh, yeah, I learned how to heal. I just graduated from high school." Trip looked down at his feet shyly, but he was secretly pleased with himself.

"Fine then, I'm going to go and look for Jane."

"No, wai-" Cerrin tried to hold him down, but he pushed her hands away. He sat up, and screamed in absolute agony, falling back down on the bed with a groan.

"Almost all of your ribs were broken." Trip told him. "You're really lucky that none of them stuck in your organs or one of your major blood vessels. The magic that hit you also caused your carotid artery to burst, and you had major damage to your lungs and trachea. That's why you can't talk properly."

"Since when are you a medical expert, Tripper?" Alex said, tossing his hair over his shoulder. Rozy and Timmus were trying to figure out what Trip had just said, but it made their heads hurt and they gave up, returning to their game of Connect 4. Rozy was winning because Timmus didn't know how to count past three without counting on his fingers.

"Um, I do not know if this is an alien concept to you Alex, but healers need to have extensive knowledge of medicine and anatomy to perform their magic." Cerrin, finally able to relish this rare opportunity, went into lecture mode. "It is not just 'wave a magic wand and fix it', they have to know which areas to concentrate their magic on in order to repair the damage caused, reconnect severed blood vessels, regenerate the damaged tissue-" Ansela clamped her hand over Cerrin's mouth.

"Yeah, yeah, we get it, healers need to be brainy and all that crap. By Zamorak."

"Ok, that's enough talking about it, now let's go and kick some arse." Bunny jumped up. "I have comfortable transport arranged, so were going to head straight to the ninja village."

"Ah, do we have to?" Ansela asked. "They don't like me. They sent two insane ninja twins to kill me. Granted, they aren't very good assassins, but the sentiment's there."

"Don't worry about the ninja. I'll sort them out." Bunny winked at her. "Remember, I'm nigh omnipotent!"

"What about Terrence?" Trip asked. "If I keep healing him, he'll be completely better in a few days at the least."

"We can take him with us. We have beds on the train. But you can't keep healing him, Trip, you've knackered yourself already fixing his ribs." Bunny wagged her finger. "Nope, you'll have to let my nurses fix him up." Trip smiled. Terrence looked over at Trip. He hadn't noticed before, but Trip looked tired and sleepy. "So, all aboard the Plothole Express!" Cerrin stared at Bunny incredulously.

"Wait, you are not going to bring it in here are YEAAARGH!"

---

All the doctors, nurses, patients, visitors and the rest of the hospital staff were left in shock as a huge train ran through the walls, stopped and then left without disturbing so much as a dust bunny.

---

Well, Terrence had passed out with shock when he saw the train, so he'd been carted off to a bed, with the two nurses (actually just Mishi and Harry wearing nurses' uniforms) taking care of him. Harry had insisted on wearing a skirt too, much to Bunny's annoyance and embarrassment. Cerrin had suggested that the best way to ensure Terrence's wellbeing was to leave him elsewhere, and they'd taken a ten second stop to drop him and Trip off at the Mercenaries' Guild, before continuing on.

"You sure you can handle the ninjas?" Ansela asked.

"I told you not to worry, Ansela, I can take care of everything. Also, we have some special guests here!" Bunny pointed to a large glass tube. Inside it were the two ninja twins. Takutaro kept kicking the glass, trying to break it and Junko was sitting on the base cross-legged, trying to make herself go into a yogic trance because the sound of her brother yelling as he kicked the glass was really pissing her off. Ansela roared with laughter. The two of them stopped what they were doing, ran to the side of the glass and began yelling. No sound came out. Bunny grabbed a radio and her voice sounded about a hundred decibels louder than normal; "I already told you two it's soundproof from the inside and it is unbreakable glass. Are you stupid?" They shut up and glared at Bunny and Ansela. "Ok, now we're going back to the ninja village to give your scroll back. If you two agree to stop trying to kill Ansela, I'll let you pretend you caught her, 'kay?" They nodded grudgingly. Bunny snapped her fingers and the glass vanished. Junko pounced over and grabbed Ansela by the collar of her ninja outfit.

"You really humiliated me! I will pay you back some day!"

"Off the clothes, bitch." Ansela grabbed her wrist. "You can think about that later after we save the world."

"What are you talking about? That demon?" Takutaro asked.

"Delrith? Nah, he was a total pussy. We're talking about a giant, huge cosmological emergency. World at stake and all. That's why we're gonna go and sort out Lord Bob or whatever."

"Lord Bob? I have never heard of someone called Lord Bob." Takutaro said.

"She means Lord Darkvel."

"No, I like Lord Bob. It sounds funnier."

"This is not meant to be amusing, Ansela!"

"Are we not amused, your majesty?"

"Stop clowning around."

"Well, it actually it should be funny considering this fic is under 'Humour'." Bunny pondered aloud.

"What?" Everyone asked at the same time.

"Never mind! We're nearly at the Ninja Village! Form an orderly line and be ready to get out of the train!

---

As the train neared the ninja village, everyone in the village pointed up at the sky and then quickly ran indoors, screaming. The elder Masato stepped out of his house and stared up at the train that was hurtling down towards the ground. Kazemi and Miyuki came out, and screamed in shock. Masato seemed completely unperturbed. As it thundered down and landed without so much as a slight bump, he raised one eyebrow.

"Bunny really does like to go all out." He muttered. Kazemi was clinging to her mom, looking at the train, scared stiff. The doors opened with a hiss and Bunny hopped out, ears wiggling.

"Aw, c'mon, don't tell me you lot haven't seen a giant plotholing train before." Kazemi and Miyuki stared at her, puzzled. "You haven't lived, let me tell you." Junko and Takutaro stepped out of the train, with Ansela in tow, looking slight bored.

"We have caught her, honourable elder! Of course, it was mostly my doing." Junko rolled her eyes and kicked him swiftly on the shin. Takutaro howled in pain and hopped around while his sister scolded him.

"Honourable brother, you have done nothing for the past two years but whine and complain while I did all the work!"

"Well you are my sister, so I should get to be in charge. And you dishonour me by kicking me."

"Shut up! I'm older than you by five minutes, so **I** should get to boss **you** around! And if you really want to be dishonoured, I'll do a lot more than kick you!"

"AHEM!" Masato cleared his throat very loudly and obviously, and the quarrelling ninjas shut up. "Well done, you two. You have brought back the thief." They bowed and took a few steps back, glaring at each other. Masato looked pleased, and then took another look at Ansela and her glaring tattoo. His smile waned. "Don't tell me she's absorbed the power!"

"Grandfather, does that mean I won't be the Mystic Wind Princess anymore?" Kazemi sobbed, wiping her eyes with her sleeve.

"Don't worry, kid, I'll fix it all up for you." Bunny grinned. Kazemi stopped crying and looked up at Bunny. "All you have to do is do the ceremony with Ansela- the thief- taking the place of the scroll, and I'll transfer it to Kazemi."

"That sounds fishy. And trust me, I know fishy when I hear it."

"Um, Ansela, the only other alternative is to kill you." Bunny told her.

"Eh, I'll take the first option."

---

"Oog." Terrence woke up again. He'd fallen asleep when they'd first got him on the train, and he'd been lying in bed for about an hour. "Cerrin? Ansela? Uh... Bunny? Huh, my throat feels better."

"Dude, nice to see you joining us in the real world again." A grinning figure stood next to him. He was tall, muscled, had brown hair and eyes and was dressed ion full Guthix armour. "Who were those nutballs that dropped you off?" Terrence stared at him, bleary-eyed.

"Uh, that you Jack? And am I at the guild? It's been a long, bad day and I am really fucking confused."

"Yep. Some crazy chick with red hair and a blue haired kid dragged you in here. The crazy girl set Pervy Mick on fire, and she gave me a right evil look, too. Eh, whatever."

"Oh." On closer inspection he was indeed in the hospital of the Mercenaries' Guild. He had become very familiar with this room over his many years of taking on dangerous missions. "So, why are you here anyway? Don't you have a job?"

"Nope. I just came here because I'm bored. Shame about Jane, huh?"

"She's not dead, you know."

"She's MIA, and that's never good."

"Boy, you really know how to cheer a guy up, don't you?" Terrence sighed and laid back on the bed. "Pssh..." He sighed, blowing an errant strand of hair away from his face. He couldn't be bothered to move his hand. Jack yawned. "Bored of my company already?"

"You aren't the most scintillating conversation partner ever."

"Maybe you should hang out with Ansela, she's fun. And she probably can't spell 'scintillating' either."

"Ha ha." Jack grinned and waved Terrence goodbye. "Cheerio then. I'm going to go and trounce the lads at table tennis again."

"Have fun." Terrence muttered, figuring Jack would get bored of the game as soon as he picked up the bat. He groaned and pulled a pillow over his face. It was really frustrating, knowing that one of your best friends was in danger and you were absolutely helpless. On the bright side, he didn't feel quite as shitty as he had done earlier. He wondered why that was. An hour of sleep couldn't do that much good, surely. A loud clatter on the other side of the ward made him jump up with a start. He looked over and saw Trip picking up a load of wooden cups and measuring jugs. "Trip?"

"Uh, hey Terrence. Sorry, did I wake you up or something?"

"Nah, I was awake, but uh, what the hell are you doing here?"

"Oh, the resident healer's off today and there were a few casualties brought in earlier, so I've been helping out. Oh, snap." He dropped a pile of cups he'd just stacked. "Working in a hospital's harder than I thought it would be." Trip placed the tray, neatly stacked, back on the trolley and walked towards Terrence's bed. He then promptly tripped over his own feet. Terrence sighed. Well, some things had hardly changed at all.

"You ok?"

"Yep!" Trip got up, dusted his robes down and looked at Terrence's chart. "Uh, well, you don't need any pain medication, since you're all patched up with no lasting injuries, but you need at least a day longer in bed."

"Nah. I've had worse and walked away." Terrence sat up and ran his hands through his hair. Trip stared at him in disbelief. "Trust me, in my line of work you learn to accept that having the shit kicked out of you is an everyday occurrence."

"I'm never becoming a mercenary." Trip muttered to himself as he clipped Terrence's chart back on the end of the bed and went to look at the chart of Pervy Mick, who was almost completely wrapped up in bandages and currently being treated for third degree burns. "Ok, I've done the first stage of healing today which has greatly reduced the severity of the burns and restored some lost tissue. I recommend not moving too much as this will cause friction which is uncomfortable for burns. I also recommend that you try and keep your hands off my girlfriend's butt, for your own safety." Pervy Mick glared at him from underneath his mask of bandages. "Ok, I may not be very strong but I do control your medication. Shall I put you down for ten daily doses of very strong laxatives?"

"No." Mick shook his head very slowly and carefully.

"Good." Trip pencilled in the required doses of painkillers and healing salve before replacing the chart and stumbling off to check on the next patient, a guy who had several very large gashes and bite wounds from trying to wrestle a dragon barehanded. "Uh, well, we'll bathe, heal and bandage your wounds and give you painkillers, and well, don't try to do it again." The guy nodded. "Yeah, that's everyone today." Trip sighed. "And the hospital needs more antiseptic wash bringing in, they're nearly out." He said, scribbling it down on some order forms.

"Yeah, this is a pretty crappy hospital. Qualified nurses and doctors won't work here because most of the guys are so rowdy." Terrence said. "You seem to be settling in."

"Really?" Trip said, sitting down on a chair and picking up an apple from the bowl of fruit on the table next to Terrence. (Gifts from well wishing mates.)

"Uh huh." Terrence was sat on the end of his bed, swinging his legs to try and get them to wake up. He'd been lying down so long they'd gone stiff. "And, well, it's a slow day. You wouldn't want to have been here on the day of the Falador Massacre. Blood everywhere, lumps of flesh, severed limbs, and guts strewn across the beams like streamers."

"And there goes my lunch." Trip sighed and placed the apple back in the bowl, untouched. "Well, I'll take my break now anyway." As he got up, there was a huge commotion from the entrance. A few yells and the sound of arrows being released and thudding into the walls (the lack of yells of pain suggested they were warning shots or the shooter had a bad aim). A blonde woman stormed into the hospital. She was tall, wore a white dress and some custom looking Black Dragonskin armour. She carried a willow longbow and several Rune tipped arrows in a quiver slung on her back. She turned to Terrence and glared at him.

"Alright you! What did you do with her?"

"Ok, I assure you that I didn't do anything with anyone. I don't even know who you are."

"A kidnapper and a liar? What she sees in you, I have no idea." Trip stared at the woman. She bore a very close resemblance to...

"Jane?" Trip looked at her. She turned towards him, her look of fury gone and replaced by one of concern.

"You know my daughter? Do you know where she is?"

---

And so all the ninja were gathered in the central square of the village as the ceremony was prepared. Several wooden platforms were brought into place and put up with efficient speed and accuracy and steps were locked into place. The rest of the gang watched as Ansela stepped up one side of the platform, while Kazemi skipped up the other side gleefully. Masato clambered up, holding a very small wooden box in his hand. His daughter Miyuki stood next to him. He tapped his cane on the platform and cleared his throat.

"Now, to begin the sacred ceremony." Masato brought forth a second scroll. "Luckily, the proper incantation was not on the scroll you stole, so this transfer will be much easier to perform."

"Well woo-hoo. Why am I wearing this stupid dress?" Ansela looked at the large, multi-layered white robe-thing she was wearing.

"It's a traditional ceremonial outfit!" Kazemi giggled. She was wearing the same sort of outfit, except it was smaller (obviously) and green.

"Does it aid the magic thingy in any way? Any way at all?" Ansela asked, folding her arms.

"No." Masato answered quickly, before unfurling the second scroll. "But you need to be quiet and stop complaining." Ansela rolled her eyes and shut up. Bunny sighed and tapped the side of her ridiculously large gun agitatedly.

"What's that for?" Rozy asked.

"Killing shit. Or more specifically, in case Darkvel shows up and the transfer isn't complete." Bunny sighed. "If Darkvel senses the power and comes here, this whole thing might be screwed up."

"Why do you only tell us these things **right before **bad shit might go down?" Alex asked.

"Because I can. Now be quiet, the ceremony is beginning." Masato fully unfurled the scroll and began to recite the incantation. As he got to about the middle of the scroll, Ansela began to glow with green light.

"This feels a helluva lot funkier than it looks. Woah." Ansela said, wobbling around. "I think I feel another weird hangover coming on." Masato ignored her and continued chanting. Everyone watched in awe as the green light began to move from surrounding Ansela and moved towards Mikaze. So intently watching the spectacle, they missed the huge, growing plothole above the platform. Well, Bunny didn't. With a huge leap, she bounded up to the platform and shot into the plothole. But it was a little too late for that. Several hundred of Darkvel's dark robed minions poured out of the plothole. Masato stopped chanting and the light floated back into Ansela, who fell over, moaning groggily. Kazemi screamed as several dark robed minions grabbed her and tried to drag her away. They were unsuccessful, as Suzume leapt at them and dispatched them all quickly with a few well placed punches and kicks before commanding the whole of her squadron to guard Kazemi as she began to fight the rest of the minions. Jumping into action, Masato twirled his cane and began fighting the minions, knocking each one out in turn with a good, strong strike with his cane. Miyuki ran over to the ninja protecting Kazemi, and they let her through. The ninja twins also sprung into action, pulling out several throwing stars and taking out as many minions as they could hit before drawing their daggers and joining the growing melee. Ansela got up, over her sudden bout of grogginess, and began fighting.

"Nice moves, grandpa!" Ansela yelled, punching a minion while watching Masato kick two and knock them out with his cane.

"Thank you. And don't call me grandpa." He knocked another on the head with his cane. At this moment, all the other members of the gang had joined in the fight, helping the ninja even though they were seriously outnumbered. Cerrin was blasting spells left right and centre, aiming more for mass destruction than precision. On the opposite side, Rozy was utilising her now pinpoint accurate archery skills to fell each minion with one or two shots. Finding her quiver empty, she skipped out into the fray to pull some of her arrows out of the minions' corpses before gleefully continuing her killing spree. Alex was fighting some of the weaker looking minions with as much bravery and skill as he could muster (which was closing his eyes, swinging his sword randomly and hoping he hit something). Timmus just swung his huge axe around and jumped into the fray screaming madly, like a particularly stupid berserker. Bunny shot a few minions, and then hopped up into the air, into the plothole. A few lightning bolts shot out of the plothole, bringing the undivided attentions of everyone fighting. There were few minions left at this point, and so the survivors ran away into the dense forests surrounding the village.

A huge thunderous roar sounded from the plothole and Bunny came flying out, landing on her feet on the wooden platform, her fur ruffled and her whiskers askew. She shook her head and groaned.

"He's coming. I can't seal that plothole, it's too big! Everyone who isn't Ansela, clear out of here!"

"Why me?" Ansela glared at her. "What the hell kind of chance do I have that a whole squad of kickass ninja don't?"

"You still have the power of the Mystic Wind Princess. The ceremony wasn't completed."

"By Zamorak, this sucks ass." Ansela muttered as everyone ran away from the plothole. Cerrin, Timmus and Rozy however, remained. Cerrin grabbed Alex by his hair and dragged him back to the main event, yelling 'If we stay, you sure as hell stay' at him as he whined about danger and messing up his hair. Suzume picked up Kazemi and carried her away, followed by Masato and Miyuki. Everyone else had ran into the woods and were watching tentatively from behind (and in the case of the ninja, up in) the trees.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Darkvel descended from inside the plothole, his laughter echoing at several times his normal volume as he shouted through a megaphone. "I AM LORD DARKVEL, AND I HAVE COME FOR THE MYSTIC WIND PRINCESS! WHERE IS SHE?"

"Hey assface!" Ansela yelled. "Over here!" He turned to look at Ansela.

"AHA! NOW I HAVE YOU... WAIT, AREN'T YOU AAAAGH!" He didn't get another word out before Bunny shot him squarely in the chest. He doubled over in pain and squirmed, howling and screaming. Bunny rested her gun on the ground and grinned.

"Surrender!"

"No! You got me! Your shot was so powerful!" He fell onto the wooden platform, collapsing in pain. Then he jumped up, twirled around and pulled a silly pose. "PSYCH!" He roared through the megaphone, before falling over, this time with laughter. Bunny checked the gauge on her gun.

"No way! You're just a wimpy plot drone with a cape! How the hell did you survive a shot up to 11?"

"WELL I..." he coughed and put away his megaphone. "I have something no other plot being has, and from that I can triumph over all other plot beings! I have...

IMAGINATION!"

"I have plenty of imagination!" Bunny snapped.

"Really? Then why are you still using standard issue guns?" Darkvel snorted. "Reeeeaal imagination there, fluff face."

"Fluff face? That does it! Ansela, clear off the platform!" Ansela decided to do as she was told, and jumped off the platform, running over to the rest of the gang. She'd never witnessed a fight between two plot beings before, but she knew that bad shit would almost certainly go down. "Plot Duel, one on one!"

"And the winner gets possession of the Mystic Wind Princess!"

"Bring it on, asshole!" Bunny yelled. Darkvel tossed his megaphone away and the two of them squared off, each staring intently at each other waiting for the other to make the first move. Eventually, Darkvel made the first move.

"Time to get wet!" He yelled, conjuring up a giant watering can. "It's full of super strong bleach, to get rid of pesky little germs like you!" He roared, before tipping the can and pouring bleach over Bunny, who dived into a plothole before any of it hit her. Luckily she got out in time, as the bleach started to burn holes in the platform. Bunny jumped out of a plothole behind Darkvel and began to conjure. "Let me guess! You're going to try and neutralise me with acid?"

"Oh, no, that would be terribly unimaginative!" She giggled. Beneath the falling current of bleach, the ground rumbled and a huge object began to burst up from the ground. "Here's my Royal Flush!" Bunny yelled as a giant toilet came up from the ground, and all the bleach poured into the bowl. She kicked Darkvel into the bowl and pulled the handle. He coughed and spluttered as he was swirled around, helpless to resist.

"Not over yet!" He croaked, and something began to rise out of the bowl, stopping the swirling currents. Darkvel flew out and dried himself off as a giant creature came out of the depths, thrashing around, the toilet cracking into pieces and sending water everywhere.. "Meet my friend the giant Kraken!" He laughed as it lashed it's huge tentacles at Bunny, who dodged each one. She dodged two more before one of them swung around and grabbed her.

"Eyargh!"

"Lunch time!" Darkvel laughed, clutching his stomach. Bunny glared at him. "Ok, it wasn't that funny, but you know what, you're gonna get eaten and I ain't! Ha ha ha!" Bunny looked down at the huge gaping maw of the squid, and racked her brains.

"Takoyaki Tornado!" She yelled, and a flurry of knives flew around and sliced the Kraken into bite-sized pieces, which were then fried in a giant pan Bunny had produced. Bunny tossed them in the air, conjured up a large plate and caught them. She waved what remained of his former pet in the air, grinning. "Would you like soy sauce with that?"

"That's not funny! Huh?" A huge torrent of soy sauce was dumped on him from a huge bottle that had suddenly appeared in the sky. "Blargh! I hate this stuff! Glub!" He howled, wiping it out of his eyes and sliding around. He tried to step forward and promptly slipped, landing on his face. "Oof! Grr! Take this! Myxomatosis!" He yelled, and conjured up a huge, swollen virus, which he launched at Bunny with gleeful abandon.

"Shit!" She jumped into the air, pursued by the giant virus. "I gotta do something or I'm dead!" She raised her arms into the air and launched a huge flurry at the virus. "Antibodies!" She yelled as a stream of giant white blood cells and antibodies flew into the virus and began to destroy it. "Good, now- hey!" Having successfully distracted Bunny, Darkvel had make quick work of the ninja and was dragging Kazemi away, who was screaming and struggling, to little avail. Bunny launched herself at Darkvel, who grinned, jumping into a plothole leaving Bunny flying straight into a giant pile of carrots. She clambered out, cursing and seething. A note fluttered down. 'I have the power of the Mystic Wind Princess, ha ha. I hope you enjoy your lunch, bwa ha ha!' Bunny snarled and clambered out of the pile, kicking a stray carrot about five hundred miles away.

---

"What a mess." Cerrin said. Understatement of the century. The platform was completely collapsed, and partly dissolved. Several houses had holes burned in the roof from stray bleach, water was everywhere and octopus dumplings and carrots were scattered all over the village. The villagers, several injured but luckily none dead, looked around at the carnage that had befallen their little village in despair.

"Oh, this'll take ages to clean up." Bunny sighed. And so, she ran around fixing things with plotholes, making sure everything was put back in it's proper place. To the eyes of regular people, she was just a blur. Within a minute, everything had been fixed and all the buildings gleamed with cleanliness. "Sorry it took so long." 

"If you say so." Ansela said with a snort.

"This is terrible, Bunny. How are you going to rescue my granddaughter?"

"My daughter." Miyuki said with a quiet sob.

"Darkvel will need her alive to get her powers, so she'll be safe. The only thing we can do is search for Darkvel."

"Where do we even start?" Cerrin rolled her eyes and sighed. "You know better than any of us that he could be anywhere!"

"Shut up and let me think!" Bunny snapped. She stood for a second, her ears wiggling fifteen to the dozen. "What about where Terrence first encountered Darkvel? Maybe there's a better lead there."

"Then we need to hurry, for Jane's sake and that little girl." Cerrin said. "Everyone, Plothole Train, now!" The rest of the gang grabbed their stuff and followed her to the train. Bunny turned to Masato and Miyuki.

"I'm really sorry about Kazemi, and I'll make sure to get her back safely. She's as important to me as she is to you and nor just because of her powers." Masato nodded understandingly.

"I know. Travel safely, Bunny."

---

"Where the hell did they go?" Cerrin yelled, practically throttling the nearest mercenary. Most of the others had sensibly decided to back off. Trip and Terrence had gone, everyone told them, but seemed unsure of exactly where or why they'd gone.

"Look, I don't know. Hey, aren't you the chick who burned Pervy Mick?"

"Yes I am, whatever your name is."

"Jack."

"Whatever." She muttered.

"Just the general direction they went in would be great, ya know." Ansela said, folding her arms. She'd changed back into her green ninja outfit. Robes weren't exactly ideal fighting wear for her (though admittedly, you could hide more stolen goods in a baggy robe). Cerrin let go of Jack's collar and he shrugged, sighing.

"Well, they said they were going north. And there was this woman with them too. Pretty, but a bit old for me."

"What woman?" Cerrin glared at him.

"Some blonde woman. Had a bow. Nearly shot me, too." He said, looking up at the ceiling and thinking. "Come to think of it, she reminded me of Jane. Same sort of manners and style, you know?"

"Thanks anyway." Ansela said. "Come on Cerrin, let's walk." Cerrin sighed exasperatedly and they left the guild to return to the train. Jack shrugged and decided not to bother asking any questions. Some peoples' businesses were best left alone.

---

"Oof!" Trip got up after falling over for the fifth time. They'd managed about two miles of solid walking, so five times wasn't too bad, all things considered. He dusted off his clothes. There was three of them; him, Terrence and the woman who'd later announced herself as Violet Fletcher, Jane's mom. She came to the guild because she was concerned for her daughter and pissed off at Terrence for letting her get kidnapped. They continued their journey north to the wilderness. Terrence still felt a little achy, but shrugged it off as a necessary evil. "Sorry, Ms Fletcher." Trip said, feeling bad for making them wait for him.

"Hmm. So you really are under a clumsy curse?"

"I know it sounds weird but it's true." Trip said.

"Well, I once knew of a man who was cursed to break-dance every time he heard the word 'cheese', so I think I can believe you. Come on, let's hurry." She said, walking on at a slightly quicker pace.

"I wonder if Bunny can track us." Trip walked over to Terrence and muttered in his ear, making sure Violet was out of earshot.

"I hope not." Terrence whispered back. "She'd make us stay behind or something."

"Stop muttering and stop lollygagging. We have to get the wilderness northeast of Varrock as quickly as possible." Violet turned around and urged them on. They stopped their conversation abruptly and quickened their own paces to catch up with her.

---

There was a loud cacophony of several voices yelling at the same time. All the plot workers peered into the main control room as Bunny tried to hush the gang down. Eventually, they stopped yelling in unison for long enough to get their individual complaints out.

"Why are we not going to look for Trip and Terrence? Darkvel could target them!" Cerrin snapped at Bunny.

"And he might do mean stuff to them like he did to us!" Rozy pouted.

"Yeah! And I want to see who this woman is..." Alex grinned. "An older woman, hmm... I hope she's as sexy as Ansela."

"Timmus." At his sister's command, Timmus bopped Alex on the head.

"Ow! Idiot." Timmus bopped him on the head three more times for calling him an idiot.

"Shut up, all of you, especially you, Alex. Darkvel will be busier plotting how to find **us** because we have the power of the Mystic Wind Princess. Trip and Terrence, they're negligible to his agenda, and the only dangers they'll face are monsters and the like."

"What could Trip be thinking?" Cerrin sat down on a sofa. "He knows as well as any of us that he cannot fight well."

"Trip can take care of a few dumb monsters, and Terrence too. What I really want to know, is what exactly des this 'power of the Mystic Wind Princess' mean? Yeah, sure I can jump higher, ran faster and throw better, but that can't be all of it." Ansela looked over at Bunny. "Can it?"

"No. Well, sort of. You're just an ordinary human so you get some added bonuses from the power. But only someone who is destined to use the power can use it."

"So we're going into destiny and crap now?" Ansela rolled her eyes. "You Plot idiots are confusing."

"Never mind this! Bunny!" Cerrin yelled. "Drop us off near Varrock, now."

"I don't think so."

"You said you cannot directly interfere with a story but you have been doing that for several chapters now. You have to let us go down there and sort our own messes out while you take care of Darkvel."

"Hey, I have been busting my ass, breaking the rules to ensure your safety around here!" Bunny snapped. "I'm not supposed to try and stop Darkvel at all. Plot Beings aren't even meant to have contact with characters, but here I am, helping you."

"Maybe you shouldn't?" Rozy piped up. "My mom says that rule breakers always get into trouble.

"I know, I'm, surprised I haven't been caught yet." Bunny looked around at the room full of characters, all of them wanting to get back down to Runescape and find their friends. She sighed. "Fine. I guess it would be better for all of us if I put you back where you're supposed to be. Harry, ready the beam device and don't give me any attitude."

"Right you are, Bunny." Harry smiled and tapped a few buttons on the control panel. The gang looked around, confused, and then they vanished in bursts of light. "They're in Varrock, centre square. I made it look like a teleport."

"Good job." Bunny said, before sighing and sitting down. Her whiskers twitched violently and she wiggled her ears. "Ah, I sense plot beings heading here. How long do you think I have 'til they get here? Enough time for a margherita?" Bunny conjured up a glass and a full jug. Harry nodded sadly.

"I'll miss you, you stupid old hag."

"I'm not going anywhere, you stupid poof." Bunny grinned, sipping her drink. "They can try their hardest, but they aren't going to catch me. Her whiskers wiggled faster. "Ah, it looks like they're here already. See you!" She grinned at her collective of plotholers and jumped into a plothole, just before another opened and three freaks jumped out. The oldest looking was a white rabbit with slightly ragged looking fur, dressed in a sharp suit and a monocle. The other two were an old man in a grey robe holding a large hourglass, and a woman wearing a green toga and covered in leaves and flowers.

"I told you she'd vanish, but you two never listen!" The woman scowled, shaking blossom out of her hair. Harry, Mishi, Katy, Jumbo and Demon stepped forward, lined up.

"So, any of you have any idea where she's gone?" The rabbit eyed them all suspiciously. They all shrugged and shook their heads. The three newly arrived plot beings looked around the room, noting the half finished drink on the table.

"So, it appears she is more powerful than we all thought." The old man with the hourglass spoke. The rabbit snorted.

"Of course she is. I wouldn't expect any less from my own daughter."

---

"We go north!" Cerrin yelled, as they all half ran, half jogged their way through Varrock. They sped off from the centre, following Ansela and Cerrin up the long path east of the castle.

"Why? That's the direction of the wilderness!" Alex whined. "And how do you know which way to go?"

"Terrence came down this path when he fled from wherever he encountered Darkvel! And grow a spine, will you, you pathetic whiny girl! You give the human race a bad name!"

"Rozy she's being mean to me again. Hold my hand." Alex fake sobbed. Rozy giggled happily and grabbed his hand. Timmus grunted nonchalantly, watching Ansela as she jumped from building to building for a better view of the surrounding area. She jumped down from the wall, much to the shock of every guard at the gate, and rejoined the group on their run to the wilderness.

"I had a good view, but I didn't see anyone around here. Which is funny, because usually there's at least a few random PKers around here."

"This place is too quiet." Timmus grunted. "I don't like it." He looked around as they enterd the murky brown environment of the wilderness, with it's dead and twisted trees and deadly looking crags filled with ugly, stunted vegetation.

"There's no monsters, either." Ansela noted.

"Good, I don't like monsters." Alex muttered. Cerrin stopped in her tracks.

"Stop, all of you!" she yelled. Everyone stopped dead in their tracks and turned to look at her. "Monsters respawn. That is an established fact that even the stupidest of PKers have come to learn." Everyone slowly walked back to where she was and stood around, looking across the vast, empty plains. The walls off Varrock seemed far off, faded into the distance. "And they are not migratory. Timmus is right, it is too quiet around here and it is unsettling to say the least."

"Let's just keep moving. If we go back now, it'll still be weird later." Ansela said.

"Yes, but we shall keep close together. Pick a partner and stick with them. Alex, you cannot pick Rozy."

"Aw."

"I'll go with Tim." Ansela said. "You three should go together. We need one strong person in each."

"Fine. Alex, Rozy, you must be serious." The two of them nodded and they all started making their way up north, slowly and carefully walking between the small hills. Ansela hopped from one to the other, looking across the land before re-joining the group to report. Nothing was mostly on the report, with one sighting of something which had turned out to be a dead sapling with a bloodstained Mithril helmet balanced precariously on it. The group decided to stay even tighter.

---

"Aw, dammit. Stupid brat hasn't got her powers. More work for me." Darkvel muttered a few other curses as he walked through the hole in the wall and into the room. "I suppose a hole in the wall shall suffice for now. Have you decided?"

"Yeah." Jane sighed. Her hands had managed to reach her knife, but the ropes couldn't be cut. She supposed they were made of twisted metal. They chafed a bit more than normal rope. So her only option was to use her guile and wit to get out. "I'll marry you, just as long as I set the conditions."

"Who says you get to set them?"

"Well, do you know how to plan a wedding?" Jane asked, trying to remember everything she'd mentally noted.

"Yes, of course I know how- actually, no, I don't." Darkvel paused. "I suppose I should have thought about that before I brought a woman here." He didn't seem to be talking to her any more, more to himself.

"I get to set the date and plan it." Jane said. Hopefully, she could drag out the preparations long enough to formulate a plan, or maybe for someone to come and find her.

"Very well, I have other business than sorting out flower arrangements." He clicked his fingers and the ropes slipped off Jane. She stood up, stiff from sitting down for so long. "Hmm, you need to look more like a queen." He snapped his fingers again and Jane was dressed in a long, elegantly detailed dark-green gown. She glared at him.

"I know how to dress myself, you know." She folded her arms and glared at him. "Fine, get me a hundred wedding planning magazines."

"It is done." And the room was filled with magazines. "You're not going to read all of them, are you?"

"Of course, how else am I going to figure out the best wedding? And uh, you said you have other things to do."

"Oh, yes, of course, I'll be going now." Jane sighed and decided to get started. She sat on the floor, picked up the nearest magazine and began to look through it veeeeerrry slowly. Darkvel walked out of the room, unsure of exactly what he was doing. Jane watched him go, hiding her face behind the magazine. Now, she'd have to think of the most ludicrous and expensive things ever to try and get him to exhaust his budget and magic. He seemed to be some sort of wizard, obviously one of the crazy world-domination types. She turned the page and scoffed at the selection of dresses.

"Ew, Saradomin, they all look like meringues. Big, huge, lacy, silk covered meringues. Oh, crap, I'm going to end up looking like that." She groaned, trying not to wail in anguish.

---

"We're lost." Trip said.

"No, we're just a little out of our way..." Terrence started, but Violet glared at him. "Yeah, we're so lost. I remember there being skeletons around where I first encountered Darkvel."

"There's no monsters here." Violet looked around. "In fact, there's no people at all. I can spot a hiding PKer as easily as breathing, but no, there's not a soul here." Trip looked around.

"That's funny. We've only been waling for an hour, and it was midday. Why is it getting dark so quickly?"

"It is the wilderness, but yeah, it's not usually this dark this early." Terrence muttered. "There's something weird going on."

"We need to keep going. We'll go straight east and keep closer to the border." When she stopped talking the silence was absolute. No sounds at all. Trip shivered and the three of them carried on walking.

---

As the dark came closer, so did fog. It seemed to roll in out of nowhere, and Trip had to hold hands with and walk in between Terrence and Violet to avoid being separated. He could barely see a foot in front of his face. Violet tapped the ground with her longbow to make sure they wouldn't step on something or fall off a hill, and Terrence kept his hand resting on the hilt of his sword.

"This isn't normal fog." Terrence muttered, squinting. "Is it me, or does it look green?"

"It looks green." Violet muttered. "The wilderness is full of strange occurrences." She stopped suddenly. "Stay still and don't talk." She whispered. Terrence and Trip stood still and readied their weapons. The sound of voices, angry voices at that, and a faint orange glow pervaded the fog. It grew brighter, and Violet notched an arrow in her bow and drew it, aiming for the glow. Before she shot, an unearthly roaring noise came from the glow and panicking, she loosed the arrow.


	7. Announcement

Announcement to all who read this story. I won't be continuing with it any more. In fact, I may just take all my work off the site. I've already deleted everything I have on the computer.

The thing is, I have a job now. I'm studying to become a nursery nurse, and if I want to succeed I have to grow up. I don't want to be the girl I am now, who gets up at 1 in the afternoon and spends all day lazing around the house on the computer and eating junk food. So I'm not writing fanfiction or playing video games any more. I'll be 18 this year and I don't want to be like I am now in a few months time. I'm sorry.


End file.
